Today, when I read what I posted last time, I was like “OMG! What crap did I post?” I don’t know if it made sense to you. And in case you’re still trying to make sense of it, don’t worry, it won’t be often that I go so crazy as to write total insensible bullshit! Mostly, I stick to writing plainly stupid bullshit! 😀 Well, my weekend was great! I had one day of fun and another of pure lazing around. I would have loved one more day, though. But the prospect of going another day without blogging made me change my mind and look forward to the next day. 🙂 I definitely know a couple of readers who missed me. 😉
Since the very first day I joined college, I have missed home so intensely. During the first few weeks, I cried it out. There were many a nights on which I would curl up under my blanket and cry silently into the pillow, wishing I could somehow go back home and not have to come back to this hell. I used to feel instantly homesick when I listened to ‘Someone’s Watching Over Me’ by Hilary Duff because that’s a song that reminds me very intensely of home and the good ol’ times. Eventually, I got used to the homesickness. I still missed home but I slowly learnt to live with it. I found a handful of great friends, who helped a lot. It felt really comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in my sorrow. And who wouldn’t wish for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of all this misery? I did…and I will always be grateful for the friends I found here.
The first year was hard for me. Being uprooted from the place I call home, I found it difficult to cope with the atmosphere at college and especially with the ‘traditions’ and way of thinking prevalent in Kerala. I could not stand the stifling customs and norms according to which I was expected to behave. Apart from my family and friends, what I missed most terribly was the freedom I enjoyed back at home. I was born and brought up in Ras-Al-Khaimah (UAE). Even now, when I fill in my details, I cannot think of any place other than RAK which can fill the blank against Homeplace/Hometown. I know it may not be home forever…but that is where I belong.
Over the past 3 years, I have realized and come to understand a lot about myself. For instance, I never knew I could withstand so much of pain. Every time I came back after a vacation (inevitably to RAK), it would take me weeks to get over the fervent longing to be back at my home, with my family. Somehow, I managed to live through the struggle of those weeks with a strength that still surprises me.
If you ask me whether I’m fine with it now, I would say, to be very honest, I AM NOT! I still miss home so badly…my dad, mom, sisters…the evenings my sisters and I used to sit and talk…mom pestering me to have food…the boring Fridays…the heat during the summers…the slight fog during the winter mornings…Christmas time (!!! :()… I miss the way we used to listen to music 24*7 in the room (that’s something I MISS with a super-capital M)…hanging out with friends, checking out guys and once in a while, getting into trouble…the way I used to talk to friends over the phone for hours…the awesome food… Most of all, I miss the freedom I enjoyed there. I felt so damn free… I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was never so bothered about what others would say or think; not as much as I have to be bothered now, anyway. I could stay out with friends for as
long as I wanted (provided dad didn’t know :D), I could sit up late into the night reading or watching movies or listening to music or talking or doing WHATEVER I wanted! I miss that so damn badly!
This place has a way of getting to your nerves, suppressing you…suffocating you so terribly that you can’t stay in your senses for a moment longer. Here, I have had to ‘smother’ myself to a certain extent or quieten myself in a situation where I would have liked to speak out. All because of the conservative people and their rules…because they can’t live and let live. I had never felt so demotivated and depressed as I felt then. I’m glad I finally sorted it out and came out of that phase. And the most important thing, I never let myself be changed by the rules, customs or anything. I’m so glad I always remained true to myself, never giving in to the pressure of this place and its people. I can’t say the same for some of my friends, though.
Wherever you go, whatever you do, just don’t let anything force you to change. If you are happy with yourself, then you have no reason to change. Nothing or nobody is worth that much effort. And anyway, people who truly love you will accept you for who you are and not demand you to change. When you go through hard times in life, try to be strong and be true to yourself. I still miss home, especially right now, since it’s Christmas time (which is family time, for me) and because all my best friends are there right now…without me! 😦 But I know it will pass, like always. Maybe not completely. In fact, never completely. But I will be able to survive, live through it all with a smile…because eventually, I know I will get home…reach that place where I belong, where I’m truly happy, where I’m free to be myself.