In the Wake of the Void…

People keep coming into your life. It’s all part of the ride. But then, meetings inevitably lead to partings. And, you know what’s the worst part (atleast, for me) when a person leaves, be it for the time being or for good? The void they leave behind…that inescapable hollow feeling when you sense the empty space in your life that they once occupied. As much as I love being with dear ones, I hate having to confront this void.

As mentioned in the previous post, my sister was here for a few days. She left on Saturday. And I was left face-to-face with a gaping hole that was the remnant of her presence here with me. Coming back to the room, knowing I was going to be by myself all over again…it was hell! Next day, I couldn’t bring myself to go out because I knew I would be reminded of all the times we had passed by those paths in the past few days. So, I stayed in.

Later, sometime at night, I had a talk with Kiran. I was surprised when she mentioned something along the same lines. She said that the worst part about people stepping out of your life was the memories they left behind. All you have to remember them by are those memories. My youngest sister, Ann, also said something similar – “The pain will be there as long as you are surrounded by stuff that reminds you of them.”

I might get over this situation in a couple of days. But it led me to think of all the friends I miss or have lost contact with…friends who have left a void and faded off, the intensity of it diminishing with each passing day yet refusing to disappear completely. And I felt a little lost. Disoriented would be a better word, I suppose. Take a moment and think of every single person who has moved out of your life, whom you miss in your own ways…and you might understandMemories what I’m talking about. Isn’t it disconcerting when you ponder over how much everything has changed, right from the person you are to the people in your life? That’s precisely what I felt when I had this train of thought yesterday.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I miss my sister. I miss some of the people who had been with me at different points in life. Nevertheless, I guess I’ve learnt to live with this emotion and all that it entails (writing helps immensely!).

Considering it’s the end of the year, I thought it would be the right time to put out this post. For everyone who has been/is part of my life, thank you for leaving me with a treasure trove of memories. I miss you in my own way. 🙂

 

[ P.S: For all the assholes who were in my life, the above message isn’t applicable to you. But yeah, thank you..for all the lessons I learnt, the hard way…for being the reason I could recognize your kind, later in life. You’re lucky I’m stopping at that. ]

This and That… – Basically, Thoughts

It was Onam yesterday, and I got two days off from work. Since I’m away from home, it was mostly like any other day, nothing special. When I spoke to dad, he asked

English: Pookalam during Onam days in Irinjala...

me what was happening for Onam and I had nothing to tell him. Because there’s nothing happening over here. And that made me think. All these religious or cultural festivals mean nothing to me. I get a holiday, which is great. And…well, that’s it. I haven’t felt an attachment to any of them that would make it special for me. And why? Because it was always the presence of my family that made any day significant for me.

Christmas is my favourite festival and time of the year. Now, when I try to understand why, I don’t have an answer. I’m not religious, I don’t attach any significance to the beliefs or practices behind Christmas. But it is special, nevertheless. Very much so. Because it was always special for my family. They made it different for me. Their enthusiasm, interest and spirited approach to the festival is my most vivid memory connected to it. Which is probably why it has always been so exceptional for me.

Over here, so far away from my family, all these special days have lost their charm, for me. They don’t mean anything to me, except a lot of dear memories. There are so many other aspects or elements in life that have significance for you only (or mostly) because of what it means to your loved ones.

Tuesday was an awesome day! For the first time ever, I went clothes-shopping by myself. I’m not a fan of shopping. I don’t enjoy shopping, especially by myself, and especially for clothes (none of this is applicable when it comes to books). It was an impulsive decision. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. When I got back, there was nobody at home. I can’t tell you how super-happy I was. I got some quality time for myself, after so long. I didn’t know how much I had missed spending time by myself, with absolutely no one around. I used to get enough and more of it, while at home. But over here, getting some time all for yourself is like a treasure. So, I made most of the two hours or so I had. I shouted (shouting has a liberating effect, for me), sang out loud, danced around, talked to myself, spent sometime looking outside, sipping coffee… And, had 2 delightful hours by myself. 2 hours that gave me an enlightening thought – I’m at a most beautiful point in life, a phase that I had longed for. And I’m truly enjoying it. The past 2 days have proved, with all the more emphasis, that life does give you what you want/ask for.

Strangers Breed Homesickness

Most of my friends were really happy after reading the previous post. Maybe I should write more of those – happy, chirpy posts.

Just now, while chatting with Ann, she asked me why I wasn’t posting anything. I told her I didn’t know what to write and I didn’t want to post nonsense. She, being far cleverer than me, pointed out that our mind is never devoid of thoughts, that all I had to do was pick one, write about it. And then, it struck me – she is right! There are such a lot of thoughts in my head. Now, when I sat down to blog, all the thoughts came rushing into my mind. And I don’t know what to write about.

Ann was telling me about how I used to post everyday, once upon a time…and how she used to love it. Well, I miss those times, too. Those were times when I used to stay back at the college lab until 8pm just so that I could blog in peace. Times when I couldn’t go a single day without blogging (which was kinda bad on you readers, since you had to read all the bullshit I came up with).

I think I’ve gone down a notch in terms of confidence, because you need a hell lot of confidence to write shit and publish it for the whole world to see. And now, when I think of doing that, I hear this voice in my head pulling me back, telling me I should not do anything that could make my readers hate me. You know what? I’m done listening to the stupid voice. Because, more than pleasing readers, I’m here to write, find happiness in it and just be myself. So, I took a decision. I’m not going to try too hard to please anyone, I’m just going to write/blog and be happy. Makes sense, right?  🙂

There are times when I miss college very badly. More than the place, I miss the experience of having familiar faces all around. I knew people, they knew me. There’s a certain sense of comfort when you’re surrounded by people you know, finding some familiar faces everywhere. Like there’s always someone or the other you can go to, you are not alone (unless you want to be). That’s something I miss about college.

Over here, I see so many strangers while walking to and from work. I meet so many strangers at work. Strangers I’m getting closer to. But strangers, nonetheless. And it gets really distressing, sometimes. You don’t know if you can open up, trust or be yourself with someone. After a certain point, you get tired of being careful, and wish you could let your guard down. You long to see a face you know, a face that would beam with recognition on seeing you. I’m going through that phase right now. The initial excitement of being at a new place, meeting new people and all that has subsided (begun to, actually), giving way to the homesickness that I had been ignoring all this while.

I miss people, being around people I know. I miss my family. I miss places, knowing where to go, seeing familiar places & spots. I know it will pass. Until then, I just have to deal with it. 🙂

Have you ever experienced anything of this sort? If yes, how did you get over it? 

And I would run away…

Have you ever felt the need to just run away? Run away from the place you’re in right now, the situation… Actually, not run away from anything. Just run away. Take a break, a deep breath, just not let anyone know…go away to some random place. You get the idea (don’t you?)! So, have you ever felt an urge to do it? It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. No, nothing bad happening. Just that I’m not very happy with some situations and am kinda fed up. The thought of running away to some far-off place with nobody bothering me, nothing to worry about is extremely tempting.

To be honest, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of running away. When I have nothing else to think about, I sit and think up possible plans for survival if (and when) I run away. My family’s never given me a reason to do it yet (luckily!). So, I decided that a reason wasn’t necessary. Today morning, I was seriously considering the idea. And that led me to think why I want to do it, in the first place. Well, you know what? I think it must be the sheer sense of freedom that it gives me. The knowledge that I can just let go of everything and go off somewhere, that I can just disappear one day. Knowing that I can be completely free.

Wondering why it’s necessary to run away to be completely free? Because, right now, I can’t really do what I want. Not always. I might have to keep my mouth shut so that I don’t lose my job, I might have to hold back something so that I don’t hurt some people… Doing what I want isn’t as easy as it sounds. So, loving the idea of running away should come as no surprise! I might not take off today, probably not tomorrow or the day after…but, hopefully, soon (Am I glad my parents aren’t reading this!).

Wish I Had Nothing To Do :P

I think I’ve caught a cold. Even though I don’t mind it much, I hope it goes off very soon.

Yesterday was kinda weird. I was confused, sad, disturbed but happy in some ways. Last night, while chatting with Ann, I was feeling so low and wasn’t saying anything much. And then, she wrote out this quote: “Stand tall, smile bright, and let them wonder what secret’s making you laugh!” Surprisingly, it’s from Angels & Demons (one of my top favourite books) and I didn’t know it. She made my day and I tried to go to sleep with a lighter heart. And well, today was a better day. Although I did get bored at work!

Janet is coming over tomorrow. 🙂 I’m really excited. Initially, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so happy. But then, today I understood. During the past one week or so, I’ve been amidst a lot of strangers. I did become good friends with some but, at the end of the day, you can’t deny the fact that they are strangers (who are 1 week old, for me). And after being with strangers for so long, tomorrow I’m going to see someone I know, someone I’m very much familiar with. The mere thought is so exciting! 🙂 So, I guess I have a great weekend coming up.

Today, while going through a magazine, I read this line – ‘Do nothing planned this weekend… Read, listen to music, stay quiet, watch

Miss this so badly… 😦

the rain…‘ It was such a tempting idea…sounds exactly like the kind of thing I want to do! It’s been a while since I got time to do something like that – do nothing. Maybe it’s just because the whole situation is new to me, and I need to get used to it, find time for other stuff. As much as I enjoy work, I do miss lazing around and being able to do nothing. Hah! Knowing me, before long, I’ll be talking about how I’m bored of having nothing to do! 😀

Blah Blah from the Whirlwind Zone

The past few days have been something like a whirlwind. Now, when I look back, all of it seems to have blended together and I’ve lost track of what happened when. I don’t seem to have time for anything, but ask me what I’m busy with and I have no answer to that! This place (the whole locality, not just my home) does not have life, especially not when you’re away from people you love. So, being busy helps me take my mind off other (read: depressing) thoughts.

Over the past few days, I’ve had some experiences revolving around friendship. A recent friend of mine – someone whom I know through chats and mails for the past two months or so – chose to be completely honest with me. It was unexpected because he is a stranger and I’d never have found out the truth. And, to be frank, it wouldn’t have mattered much even if he hadn’t told me. But he did. And I loved him for that. That shows how much he respected our friendship.

Another person who was supposedly something akin to a best friend did something that I wouldn’t even dream of doing to a best

BFFs 🙂

friend. Again showing the person’s respect for our friendship. And the third incident…I got a new friend, through another awesome friend of mine. From what I’ve felt so far, we seem to be connecting very well. I was feeling kinda low when we spoke today (I didn’t tell him that, though). Anyway, talking to him distracted me enough to make me laugh and feel better. 🙂 It takes time to identify good friends…and don’t even ask about true friends. Those are rare species!

I was chatting with Ann today. I miss her so much, I miss our stupidities, crazy times, silly fights, everything. As if to add to my despair, almost everything around me reminds me of home. Right when I’m trying to forget. In the past one week, today was the first time I truly & seriously wished that I hadn’t come back, that I hadn’t left home. Not just because I miss Ann. There’s a lot more to it. But then, how would I get to experience something new if I stayed in the comfort zone of my home sweet home? How else would I know what it feels like to be part of a whirlwind (job-hunting, home-hunting, blah blah)? Atleast, that’s what I tell to console myself. 🙂

[While thinking of a suitable title, I connected my habit of rambling and the whirlwind I’m in…and TADAAA! I got a crazy, stupid title! Please excuse the absurdity for now, this was the best I could come up with!]

Malum consilium quod mutari non potest ;)

Hey! 🙂 Well, I hadn’t expected to be back so soon. But I am! 🙂 With lots to talk about. Obviously!

So, I’m back in Kerala. It’s been around 5 days since I got here yet it feels like I’ve been here for a long time now. I’m staying with my cousin and sister. It’s a relief having them here…helps me get over the occasional bouts of loneliness  that hit me. We went out on a couple of nights. I had my first experience of shopping for foodstuff by myself (with the cousin). We had to think of what all we would need for the week, stay within the budget and make sensible buys. It was interesting…and fun, in some ways. 🙂 After the first couple of days of eating out, we have been trying to cook stuff at home. And, even though it may not be as good as what mom used to make back at home, we seem to be doing fine for now. 🙂

There has been a huge change in my plans. Yes, I’m still planning to work…no change there. But in a different place. A city nearer to home but far away (way better, that is) in terms of lifestyle. And during the past couple of days, I’ve been busy job-hunting. I’m supposed to be disturbed by the sudden twist…but to be honest, I’m excited. The new plan, if everything goes fine, would mean double the experiences I’d have had with the previous plan. The idea is this: my cousins suggested that instead of moving off to a completely new place in a completely different state, I could work in a place over here (in Kerala) for a few months. That way, I’d get a taste of how it is to live by myself and will be better able to handle things when I go to a new place. Makes sense. And since it involves more places, more opportunities and more of everything, I thought I would give it a try. When else would I get to do this? So, I’m surprisingly very happy about the change in plans… 🙂 Looking forward to it.

And, that’s about what I’ve been upto. I’ve missed blogging…I’ve missed putting my thoughts into words and letting it out over here. Yesterday, when I opened up the WordPress homepage, it felt so awesome and I couldn’t stop smiling. It felt like I was back in a space where I belong…after a very long time (even though I keep reminding myself it’s just been 5 days or so!). I have a lot of catching up to do, I’ll get to that, eventually. 🙂