Miss Me While I’m Gone…

By this time tomorrow, I’ll be in a different country…and when I say different, I mean different in every possible way. As different as heaven and hell, if you ask me. And the funniest part – that is supposedly my homeplace! I know this (leaving) is completely my decision and nobody else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling sad. Nothing will, in fact.

I know I haven’t posted anything during the past few days. Well, I’ve been shopping, trying to spend time with Ann, packing, blah blah. I must have opened up the ‘add new post’ page atleast twice each day…but never felt like writing anything. And, even if I had, I’m positive it wouldn’t have been worth publishing. I hate lamenting in public (all those depressing, emo status updates in Facebook? I HATE THEM!). I didn’t want to end up doing something I hate.

Time to leave, I suppose…

So, I’m leaving tonight…will reach God’s Own Country by early morning. I don’t know how long I’ll have before I leave to Bangalore. But I have a lot of travelling to do before that. I’ll probably have to meet Merlin on Wednesday, go to college to get some certificates and stuff, meet up some friends, so on. I’m glad I’ll have enough to keep me distracted. I wouldn’t want too much time by myself, I know I’ll be reminded of the fact that I’m away from home.

I have no clue when I’ll be posting next. It will take some time. So, while I’m away trying to settle down into a new phase in life, do bear with my silences and occasional laments. I’m going to miss this space, just as much as I’ll miss home. I’ll try my best to be back soon. Wish me good luck. And, most importantly…Miss me! 🙂

Sometimes Parents Choose NOT To Talk…

When I opened up this page to type out a new post, I had a completely different topic in mind. I was dying to write about it. But then, there were some random blogs I had stumbled upon and thought I’d read them before writing the post. And while reading one such post, I was moved so much that I wanted to write about it right away!

The post I read – When A Mommy and Daddy Love Each Other Very Much – is by a journalism major, which is why I was drawn to the blog, in the first place (I have a thing for journalism, you see!). And when I read this post, I realized that I could relate to what she was talking about…they were so similar to what I felt regarding the issue. And the issue I’m talking about is sex/sex-education.

I DO NOT understand why sex is a taboo topic even now! Particularly, in a family (with special reference to Indian families)! When a kid enters teen/adolescent years or attains puberty, it is natural to be curious about sex. All of us have gone through the same phase. So, why do parents reproach kids for raising sex-related questions? Why are kids forbidden from talking out loud about it?

Frankly, I think parents and teachers are responsible for educating their children/students on sex. Because how much ever they try to deny or ignore it, sex is a part of our lives, part of our basic instincts. And kids, as part of growing up, can have a lot of wrong concepts about it…not to mention, a hell lot of curiosity! I knew a grown-up girl who actually believed kissing could get her pregnant…and trust me when I say I’ve heard worse! I don’t get it. Who else should be telling them the right concepts…their friends? Well, not that friends can’t do it right! Because it wasn’t from my parents or teachers or any elder that I learnt about it! Even though I’m no parent or authority on the subject, I’m doing what I can so that others don’t end up in the same situation. For instance, since I know my mom won’t be having this talk with my little sister, I do it. And she has complete freedom to ask me anything she wants to know. I might not know it all in entirety but atleast, I’m able to tell her what she needs to know!

It’s high time that parents and teachers tried to impart the necessary knowledge related to sex, particularly the need for safe sex, to teenagers. Because they need it. And it is, after all, your responsibility to guide them on the right path. And, NO, just sending them to school doesn’t ensure they are on the right path. The subjects they study at school aren’t helpful enough to prevent one of them from ending up with an unintentional pregnancy! Instead of letting them get all the wrong ideas and end up in trouble, take it on yourself to  give them the right kind of information. If you find it difficult to talk about, you could try asking someone else to talk to them, preferably someone the child is comfortable with. Or you could even try providing them with some useful books. Do what you can, in your own way. Don’t give yourself any opportunities to regret, later in life. I’m sure your child will thank you for it…maybe not right now, but, someday eventually, for sure! 🙂

Moving On Can Be Super-Scary!

I just have two more weeks left! I don’t believe this. I can’t believe almost two months have gone by so fast! I’m already going crazy, thinking of the hell lot of stuff I’ll have to do once I get back. And apart from the tension, one emotion that’s been disturbing me is the sorrow of leaving. Once I start working, I have no idea when I’ll be able to come here on a vacation like this. For now, I’m just pushing aside that thought. For later.

It might sound stupid to some and crazy to some others. Even I’m amazed at what I’m about to embark on. I have absolutely no idea about what to do or how to go about with things, once I get back to India. I’m planning to move to a city that’s completely new and strange to me. I don’t even have close friends there! And I have no plan, not even a rough idea of how I intend to make this happen. Am I scared? Hell, yes, I am. Am I tensed? Yes, very much, even though I’m keeping a large part of it for later.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to find a place to stay, live by myself, manage everything by myself in a completely new city… I did NOT tell my parents about how scared I’m. I don’t think I ever will. They are already pretty freaked out and tensed. They tried tempting me with the idea of working over here. But I stayed firm on my decision. Anyway, I don’t want them to know I’m super-clueless, too. All that worry could be injurious to their health. 🙂

I did talk about this with some friends. Some of them said they believed I could do it, that I’d be able to pull through these situations. But a couple of my closest friends (one of them being Saba) were really concerned and asked me to think well before deciding. Saba, in particular, was super-worried. She tried her best to talk me into staying here. And, to be frank, she made me think about a lot of aspects that hadn’t occurred to me. Anyhow, eventually, she supported me in my decision. Not because I convinced her or anything (I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that!). But because she knows me.

For one thing, I’m firm (read: stubborn) when it comes to my decisions. Another thing, as she rightly pointed out, is that if I fall for my parents’ suggestion and stay back, I’ll never be able to feel fully happy. I will always wonder how things would have turned out had I gone forward with my plan. And it will keep gnawing at my happiness. So, she told me that it’s better that I go ahead with my decision. Otherwise I’ll never be happy. 🙂 I love her for saying that!

I’m aware of the risk I’m taking. I know things can go wrong. Very wrong. But, let’s just be positive. And, even if something goes wrong, I know I’ll deal with it somehow. That’s what life is about, after all. That’s how you learn to live! Exactly why I want to take this risk. I want to get out of the comfort zone that I’ve been in all these years, know what it is like to live by myself, deal with problems on my own…experience life. 🙂

Lot of hopes, dreams…and yes, a tiny bit of worries. Let’s wait and see how things turn out to be! 🙂

Painting Happiness

It’s amazing how small things can help us realize great lessons. Lessons that can sometimes turn your day around! 🙂 Read on, and you will understand what I’m talking about.

Well, yesterday morning, I met up with Saba. We spent almost over 5 hours or so at her place. All we did was talk, eat and watch TV for a (very very) short while. Anyway, it did a hell lot of good to me! I felt so much better, just being with her. I admit there were times when I kinda fell back into my distracted, moody phase but never for long. We spoke about a lot of random stuff – movies, songs, friends, her life, my stuff, Osama bin Laden (yeah,  you read it right!), so on. 😀 Just wish I could have stayed longer. But she had work and we had no other option. I was in a perceptibly good mood once I got back home.

When Ann came back from school, she showed me a painting she had done. She

From the Windows Of Jupiter – Gerardo Gomez (click to know more)

isn’t really into painting, doesn’t do it so well or anything but likes to dabble at everything. And, so, she tries to paint out her thoughts in her own weird ways. Only she can make sense of her paintings. I love trying to interpret her paintings with crazy thoughts. [Note: The painting on the right looked like a really happy one probably because of the vibrant colours, which is why I chose it.]

Anyway, this particular painting had a yellow dome-like structure in the middle with some black lines outlining it. Thanks to her help, I understood that it was supposed to be a gate. Underneath the gate, there were thick streaks of yellow, blue and black (horizontally). Ok, like all of you, I was clueless when she showed it to me. And I asked her what it means (she loves explaining her paintings!).

Firstly, it depicts a kind of fantasy world. According to her, the layers/streaks of colours show the different layers separating the ‘world’ from the ‘gate to happiness’. Black stands for sadness & negative emotions while blue is a more positive layer and yellow, of course, denotes happiness. I LOVED the whole idea (I always love her ideas, they are so novel and different).

But, when I looked closely at the painting, I noticed another possible interpretation. It could have been a painting of how our mind is… The layers represent different emotions, starting from the depressive, negative thoughts (black), the slightly positive ones (blue) and then the happy ones (yellow)…finally leading to the gate of happiness, which lies deep within all of our minds. Only when we navigate through these different, deep layers and go deep into our minds will we find happiness. Happiness is found within, after all.

This is what I meant by the very first sentence…how small things can teach us great lessons. How the seemingly silly painting by my little sister could make me see something so profound and immense! I know I’m sad, and now, I’m trying to overcome it…by going deeper into myself…because that’s the only way out. 🙂 I already knew it, but I guess I had to be reminded. I won’t find joy (that lasts) anywhere else, for it lies within.

So, what’s the one great lesson that you have learnt from a quite small/trivial incident? 

 

This is another picture Ann drew. I LOVE it. Maybe because it’s from a different angle and perspective. 🙂

 

The Stranger in My Life

I’m in a live-in relationship. With a stranger. No, don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s a boyfriend. Nor is it a girlfriend. Just a stranger. Someone I live with, someone slightly beyond a roommate. Which is why I call it a live-in relationship and not sharing the same room.

We don’t talk much, just casual comments once in a while or if I get lucky, we might have a quarrel, yell at each other. That’s the maximum level of conversation between us. Not even a decent talk. We don’t know much about each other, what’s happening with the other, each other’s friends, lives, worlds… In fact, we are not a part of each other’s worlds.

Kinda like how it is now…

We stay under the same roof, sleep in the same room…yet, we are strangers to each other. I am not trying to exaggerate when I use the word ‘strangers’. I mean it. There is no other word to describe what we are. Because we aren’t even close enough to be called friends or acquaintances.

She was someone I used to know, though that feels like long ago. Someone who knew me inside out; someone whom I knew so well, too. We used to have endless talks about everything, literally everything… So many evenings of senseless prattling, late-night movies, going out together… She knew everything that was going on with me, and I was  the one person she confided in. Like BFFs – best friends forever. Hah! Only, forever didn’t last for long!

I don’t know when that bond started fading off. But fade off it definitely did. I’d put most of the blame on the distance and the fact that she had new people in her life to replace me. Anyway, by the time I noticed the changes, it was too late. I did try, in whatever way I could, to regain the bond we once had. But just when I think things are getting better, she would prove me wrong. As if trying to tell me, indirectly, that we’ll never be the same. And so, now, I’m living with a stranger. Who used to be a hell lot more for me. Whom I miss like hell!

 

5 Reasons Why Being The Eldest Is Difficult

I’ve heard a lot about how life is generally kinda difficult for the middle child. She (I’m basically talking about girls, but I guess this is applicable to boys too) has to outdo or atleast match the achievements of the eldest child and, at the same time, set an example for the youngest. And then, there are (jealousy) issues about lack of attention, importance and…most significantly – lack of love (according to the middle child: apparently, parents exhaust all of this on their first child and don’t have enough for the other kids). And as if this weren’t enough, she also has to deal with the normal teenage & adolescent problems that are part of growing up!

OK, now, don’t assume I’m a middle child. I’m not. But I can very well imagine what they have to live through. Anyway, what I intend to emphasize here is: it’s super-hard being the eldest child as well!  I’m the eldest of three girls. And as much as I enjoy it, there are so many instances when I wish I didn’t have to go through some stuff just because I’m the eldest. Trust me, it is definitely hard being the eldest. I love my sisters. Hell, yes! They mean the world to me. I suppose having them is what makes this a little easier for me.

So, why do I say being the first-born has its problems? We’re getting to that.

1) Since I’m the eldest, parents/relatives/elders expect a lot from me – responsibility and maturity while taking decisions, living life, doing anything; doing things right (so that my sisters can learn from me, yeah right!!), so on. To be frank, I think it’s too much burden on me and, sometimes, it’s hard to live upto their expectations.

2) I’m supposed to know everything. I’m supposed to lead my sisters on the right path and I’d have to know everything if I’m supposed to guide them properly. Nobody seems to care about what I know; all they can do is point out what I don’t know!

3) I know that every decision I take will have a direct impact on my family. And I can’t let it be a negative impact. That’s enough reason to worry about what I’m doing, whether it’s the right thing or not, blah blah. Frankly speaking, I HATE IT! As if I don’t have enough to worry about already! I can’t take a single decision without thinking more than twice about it. Yes, I don’t want to hurt my parents. But I wish they wouldn’t expect so much from me, that they would just let me explore life and live it, even if it means falling down or failing once in a while. With all these expectations, there’s too much on my mind. And there are times when I wish I could just do something to take it all off my head! I’m going through a similar phase right now. And it sucks!

4) This particular point is what triggered me to write this post right now – my siblings think I’m the only one important to dad and mom. OK, I understand why they feel this way. I’m the first child and I happened to be bright at school; so, my parents always had a kind of pride in me and some special affection. And now that I’ve been (mostly) away for the past 3 years, they tend to show a little extra love. So, you see, I know why my sisters feel the way they do. But they don’t try to see that dad and mom love them, too… All they see is the extra affection I get. I’ve tried to make them understand but in vain. I don’t blame them. Just hope that, someday, they will see what I was trying to tell them.

5) Sometimes, dad tells me certain decisions and asks for my suggestions or just wants to know what I think. Because, I guess, he thinks I’m old enough to be included in the serious decisions of the family. But I go blank when he does that. Half of the time, I don’t know why exactly he is doing what he’s doing and I don’t know what to tell him as suggestion/thought. I go blank, totally! When that is the last thing expected of me. Ah, expectations again!! Sigh!

So, you see…it isn’t all that easy being the eldest child. There should be an Elder Child Syndrome too. Or maybe there is (already googling). I admit it has its ups…but the downs are inevitably hard! Anyway, I bet the little brat (aka my little sis) will soon be coming up with 5 reasons why it’s hard being the youngest! 😛 Inspite of all this, if I’m given a choice to decide who I want to be in my next lifetime (assuming I’ll have one), I’d still want to be born as the person I’m right now (eldest and everything included), without a second thought!

Home is Here! :D

Tadaaa…I know it’s been an awful long time since I posted last! Really sorry. What happened is this: 17th was my last exam. 18th was just spent with friends at hostel. 19th was the class Farewell. And  on 20th, I vacated from hostel. That’s in short. I haven’t mentioned anything about how it pained me to think of leaving my friends, knowing that I might not be seeing half of them ever again. I haven’t told you anything about the teary farewell we had, how I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up when I had to leave Maria and Merlin (my best friends at college). I also didn’t tell anything about how I still don’t seem to be able to accept the fact that college is over, that I can’t go back there at the end of a vacation, or sit in those boring classes or talk shit about it! Most of my classmates aren’t readers…and reading would be the last thing I’ll expect them to do when they are online. So, I know they won’t really be reading my blog (with the exception of a few). Still, if they did, they will be able to read between the lines and feel all these unsaid emotions, I’m sure. Because they went through the same. I’m going to miss them a lot! 😦

Anyway, Merlin put up a surprise for my birthday. It was quite unexpected because she had always (almost) been with me during the day; I hadn’t exactly given her time to sneak away and arrange a surprise, you see. Inspite of that, she did come up with something. And I loved it! Apart from Merlin, some of my dearest friends and juniors were part of it, which made it all the more special for me! It was my first, last and best birthday at college/hostel! My previous two birthdays (while in college) were spent at home, getting bored!!

After going home on 20th, I didn’t do anything much. Since there was a cousin’s marriage on 23rd, all of us were busy with stuff. I had some awesome new experiences during those couple of days. 🙂 After the marriage, I was so damn tired. Couldn’t pull myself up from the bed!  Yet, when my cousin put up this plan of going for a movie that night, I was all geared up to go,   keeping aside the ‘body-ache’ that was killing me! So, we went for a movie that night…It was a first time experience for me  – going for a movie at night (it’s kinda unusual in this part of the country). And it was fun!!

Next day was spent in packing and blah blah…nothing interesting. And on 25th,  Tadaaa… I flew down to RAK! I’m coming home after around a year and half. And my first glimpse of the desert was awesome! 🙂 I couldn’t stop looking down at the view – the stretch of ‘unadulterated’, untouched desert…truly spellbinding! For me, atleast! It made me feel so damn happy! 🙂  I landed at Sharjah Airport by 12 30pm and, within an hour, I was on my way home, with mom, Ann  (youngest sister), a cousin, her kid and mom. I loved seeing the vast expanse of desert all around…the feel of the heat, the buildings on the way, familiar landmarks, the usual chatter in the car… Aaahhh…I can’t tell you how great it felt to be back home! 🙂 I know you’ll perfectly understand, anyway!

Back here, almost every tree you see looks barren… They have bare branches, look absolutely devoid of moisture, kinda lifeless… That’s how nature looks like out here (unless you spend time and tend to the plants/trees). But, seeing those trees, I felt a sense of joy that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’d prefer seeing these bare-branched trees any day,  rather than the lush greenery of Kerala! I know that sounds weird and crazy. But I mean it. And I said so to my mom! I guess it’s probably because I was born and brought up here…and everything about this place connects to me, to my core being.

Well, so…I don’t want to get you yawning with too much details about home,   blah blah. It feels liberating to be here, because I know this is where I belong. I can kinda sense my soul rejoicing…because it knows it’s home. 🙂 So, I have arrived!  You can expect many happier, ‘awesomer’ & more regular posts coming up… 🙂 Have fun!!! 🙂