Rain, Rain, Come Again :)

It’s night-time. Dark, silent (almost) and a tiny bit eerie. I don’t remember the last time I stayed up to blog. Since afternoon, there have been so many thoughts in my mind that I can’t help but sit down and let them out. Considering how lazy I can be, it surprises me that I’m staying up to write about some random thoughts I had earlier during the day. Maybe the fact that I could not go to sleep without doing this shows how much of an impact these thoughts have had on me.

I had been feeling quite low for the past couple of days.

Today afternoon, while walking back home with a friend, it started drizzling. It wasn’t unusual (it has been raining on and off during the past few weeks) or sudden (it has been cloudy for a couple of days). But it changed something within me. It felt good. I felt an urge to stay out in the rain for a while longer. It evoked a kind of happiness in me that I can’t seem to explain. It was not an overwhelming emotion…just plain happiness. A good feeling within, just a sense of being content and happy with wherever I was at that particular point in life. I went up to the terrace and sat there for a while. The rain had stopped by then but I knew it wouldn’t be long before it returned. At that moment, sitting there, watching the sky and lost in thoughts, I felt a deep sense of contentment with life. Almost like I was living solely in that moment. Even though I believe in the concept of living one’s life fully and in the moment, I have to admit that I hardly ever come across moments like this. And when I do, they touch me far deeper than ever; they leave me filled with thoughts that demand to be let out! (Right now, I feel flooded by so many thoughts, I don’t know which ones to let out!)

Since it was the rain that led to this “outpour” of thoughts, I suppose I’ll let rain take the limelight here. Today, while it was raining, I had so many thoughts going through my mind…and when I paid attention to these passing thoughts, I realized that they were mostly vivid memories, all related to rain. Some of them were almost long-forgotten. I thought I’d list out a few, to pore over on some other rainy day.

Rain reminds me of:

1) How I used to long for rainy days during childhood. I loved floating paper boats in the puddles, getting drenched in the rain (although that rarely happened) or just listening to the rain falling outside. Since rain wasn’t very common, I used to love whenever it rained, even if it meant mess and mud and dampness.

2) Schooldays! I loved going to school on rainy days. Inspite of the fact that I hated getting my feet wet, I enjoyed rainy school days. I used to love the small puddles on the school ground. Not the messy corridors, though. We used to make excuses or happily carry out errands for the teachers, just to get out of class and go out in the rain.

3) Quite contrary to school time, I hated rain during college. Perhaps because there was an excess of it! I dreaded going to class on rainy days. I hated the muddy paths, the drenched uniforms, the cold, everything! One distinct memory is of an instance when one moment, we  (classmates) were all walking slowly, ‘navigating’ around muddy puddles and talking, and the next moment, it started raining cats and dogs, and we ran to find shelter, splashing mud all around (need I add we ended up looking very much pitiable).

4) Songs. Experiences – Every time it rains, the first song to come to mind is Unnai Kandane (Parijatham). It has become almost synonymous to rain. Apart from all the memories of travelling on rainy days or of curling up in the bed, listening to the rain outside, another rainy experience I’ll always remember is the one I had while I was at Kochi – going up to the terrace with a PGmate/friend and enjoying the rain.  Evidently, it was good enough to make me blog about it. The memory and the post, in particular, have immense significance for me!

5) And now, rain will always remind me of today and the happiness it brought forth in me. Because it happened at a point when I badly needed it. Or perhaps, because it made me see things I had been overlooking, like the need to be happy by oneself.

So, what does rain remind you of? 



The Secret to my Fear

Last day, I was reading a post (The Truth About Bees) in Tinkerbelle’s blog (it’s my top fav blog; do check it out when you can, you’ll love it!). It reminded me of how all our inexplicable or unnatural fears might have their roots in our childhood. You may never realize it, never even think about a possibility like that. Or maybe you have thought about it but can’t remember any childhood experiences that could be responsible for your fears.

Last week, at Goa, I got to encounter one such fear of mine. I had mentioned it in my blog post about the trip but it never struck me as unnatural, for some reason. While at the beach, the few friends who were with me were trying to go as deeper into the sea as they could. They enjoyed being dragged back to the shore by the huge waves, at times. All of them seemed completely comfortable and were, evidently, having a great time. Except me. I did enjoy it, I must admit. But whenever a wave took me off my feet, I felt this sudden panic, a kind of clutching fear at my chest and one thought running in my head – I’m going to drown. I was holding onto the hand of a friend but that did nothing to reduce the intensity of my ‘terror attacks’. He kept assuring me I wouldn’t get carried off or drown or anything of that sort. I would nod my head and smile at him. And then, the next wave would come along, bringing back the horror, all over again. Everyone tried to convince me I would be safe. I just didn’t know why it was impossible for me to accept it and have fun like them. After we got ashore, I never bothered to think about it. Until a couple of days ago.I have finally unearthed the possible root to my fear.

When I was 4 years or so, my family and I had gone to this beach (I don’t remember the details clearly, it’s all a vague memory right now). I was completely fascinated by the sea and couldn’t wait to get into the water. I was holding my dad’s hand and going into the water, slowly. At some point, I think I got toppled over by the waves or something. The next thing I knew, I had fallen down and my head was under water. I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know what to do. My dad did pull me up right then. It might have lasted for hardly 2-3 seconds but during those couple of seconds, I felt a fear so terrifying that I couldn’t possibly put it into words. If you have read Deep Water by William Douglas, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. Anyway, I can also remember another similar experience from my childhood (during the same time period, I think) when I fell into the water and went through a crushing terror. So there, I have solved the mystery of my fear of the sea (or any water body, for that matter).

When I read Tinkerbelle’s blog post about a similar topic, I was surprised. I had just recently figured out the reason for my own fear. And I felt inspired to write about it. I have been asking my friends, too, if they have any unexplained, mysterious fears. And I have asked them to try thinking back, try to find out if some event in their childhood could be connected to it. Almost all such fears that we experience now can be connected to some such situation we went through as a child. So, in case you have wondered why you’re so scared of something, try to think back into your childhood. The answer might lie there! Now, that reminds me…what could possibly be the reason for my unnatural fear of cockroaches/spiders/creepy-crawly creatures??? 🙂

Photography by Martin Vincent

So, do you have any such unexplained fears? And have you realized what could be the reason for it?