When the going gets tough…



After a lot of typing and hitting the backspace, this is my third attempt at coming up with something that is not depressing. No, today was not depressing. But I’m getting bothered by certain minor issues, which would not have happened if I had found a good friend out here. I miss sitting down and talking to someone (like a specific someone), just letting out my emotions, frustrations and everything…so that I can get it all off my mind and have new experiences. Right now, I’m trying to create the void, the empty space which I could fill up with new memories and experiences. I seem to be failing very badly. Loneliness is a bitch, I tell you. Yesterday, while walking back from my workplace, I was so intensely reminded that I have nowhere else to go (except work and home)…more than that, I was painfully reminded that I have no one I can be with. I mean, I don’t have a close friend with whom I can make after-work plans, spend time with, talk to, laugh with; a person I can always turn to.

Do you see what I meant by the first line? I don’t want to sound helplessly depressed. So, moving on…last night, I had an awesome experience. I was up whole night, talking to one of myย house-mates. She is leaving in a couple of days. So, we were just having some coffee and talking. After a while, when it began raining, both of us sneaked out of the house, went up onto the terrace and stood there for some time. We talked, watched the sky, thought about our lives, got lost in our own worlds and shared the same awe and fascination as we looked up at the moon, the clouds, the stars. At that moment, I felt an inexplicable connection with her. Connection, and a pain when I realized she wouldn’t be with me, after a couple of days.

Everyone’s busy with their lives, caught up in their own joys, sorrows and problems. But experiences like this literally pull you out of your little bubble. And you open your eyes to what you’re missing.

We (my housemate and I) were up until almost 4:30 am, talking, spending time. I loved being with her. And wished she didn’t have to go. But, sometimes, letting go is the only way you can get something for yourself, only way to realize how much it means to you. Doesn’t make sense? I think I should go back to my nonsense and crap. Atleast that way, you’d know there is no point in trying to make sense of it. ๐Ÿ™‚



Moo-ing Realizations

Today has been a day of realizations. A lot has happened and I’m almost bursting with all that I want to tell.

So, for the past few days, I’ve been kinda disturbed by certain issues. On Thursday, after work, I went to this book store that had a book fair going on. That was my way of dealing with the pain and depression. And, I’m so glad I did that. I’ve found my sure-fire way of beating depression – being around books. It makes me feel so giddy with happiness, so high…and I have to try my best to stop myself from jumping around! Which is exactly what happened the other day.

I had some emotionally wringing moments last night. And that was the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up today. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I had it all fixed in my head. At work, I had a completely unproductive time. I was disturbed and moody, in no mood to do anything and, well, ended up doing nothing! After work, I wanted to do something, anything…crazy, impulsive, reckless. Just something. And I began walking. By tiring out my legs and mind, I thought I would distract my mind from the distressing thoughts.ย I just kept walking. ย Not aimless, because there was this place ahead where I knew I would find something like a book fair. So, I kept walking, knowing I would reach there eventually. And I did.

The place is huge (bigger than what I had in mind) and very much disorganized. I found a few books I really liked, the remaining were boring, mushy romance novels or something in those lines. I spent a long time there, just taking in everything; I knew I had found a spot of happiness for myself. After spending some time there, I decided to go home since it was getting late. On the way back, I felt like having coffee and got into this coffee shop near my place. Apart from an old lady, I was the only person there. So, I was just sitting there, by myself, thinking about life, my situation and all that. I tried to have a conversation with the guy who came to serve me (because I badly needed someone to talk to, right then). When the old lady got up to leave, I smiled at her. But she didn’t respond. And I was wondering what had happened to people. They no longer had the courtesy to smile back at someone, no time to talk, no… Before I went any further with my thoughts, she came upto me and spoke to me, started by suggesting some dishes I could try.

I was surprised. She asked me what I was doing, where I stayed and other typical questions. She spoke a lot about herself. After 10-15 minutes of conversation, I knew all about her family and quite a lot about her life. She said she lives in the same building and comes down to the coffee shop when she needs peace, silence and time by herself. I felt she was kinda lonely (so was I) and that she was glad to get someone to talk to (which was mutual). We had a good conversation…about how her daughter and family had left the previous day and she wanted some time by herself to deal with the sudden loneliness. She asked me to drop by whenever I wanted to, since she was alone at home. I really liked her a lot. A very intelligent, friendly and awesome person. And I loved the way she went on talking. ๐Ÿ™‚

When I stepped out of there, I had this great feeling within, sort of like a light shining. I could not stop smiling. I felt this sense of exhilaration, just happy about being alive. Height of happiness (*sheepish grin*) – I even mooed back at a cow that was mooing when I passed by (just didn’t want it to feel lonely, mooing by itself…and guess what? It replied to my moo!!). This is embarrassing, but I thought I’d tell you anyway (like you don’t already know I’m crazy).

I had decided the day would turn out to be bad. I was wrong. Even though it started off bad, it ended on a very happy note. Lot of awesome moments and realizations. I’ve always believed that life is about having new experiences. That’s how you live. And today, I had a handful of them – taking impulsive decisions, going off to an unknown place by myself, talking to a stranger I met in a coffee shop (should I include the mooing?). I loved it. While walking back home, I had some striking realizations.

  • When we have problems, it kind of feels like there’s a void within, and lot of pain, and you don’t know how to deal with it. Well, I realized something. A void is the best way to have new experiences in life. When there’s an emptiness, you are open to new experiences. When you are in pain, the small joys in life take on a whole new meaning, and that lets you experience life better. So, like Paulo Coelho said in ‘The Zahir’, fill up that void with new experiences. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • You cannot figure outย everythingย in life. Sometimes, you feel certain things, unusual emotions for people, places, things, anything. And you don’t know why. But we, human beings, for some reasonย have toย make sense of it all (after all, we are supposed to be far more superior than any other creature on Earth, or so we think). And we spend a hell lot of time, bent over figuring out what we feel, why we feel…and finally, screw up whatever happiness we had. What I’m trying to say is: Don’t try to figure out everything in life. It’s ok to have emotions that cannot be explained. Don’t be adamant about getting an explanation for everything in life. It doesn’t work that way, not if you want to live life.
  • (This one’s a re-realization) Do what you want, be with people you love, make sure you don’t lose the ones who mean the most to you. Life happens only once.

Happy weekend! ๐Ÿ™‚

Made My Day! :)

A friend of mine came upto me, while I was sitting, bored in class. He made my day! He told me that he read my blog and appreciated me a lot over the work I had done over here. He isn’t the kind I expected to actually sit and read my crazy posts but, well…he did! And guess what? He liked it so much that he read a bunch of my older posts!He actually read them!And he loved them! ๐Ÿ™‚ I was, literally, beaming with happiness when he told me he liked it. He said it was far better than what he had expected (I can imagine what he must have expected!!!). And (there’s more!), I was super-surprised when he told me that he was so inspired by my blog and writing style that he felt like he wanted to start blogging, too. Because, like he said, there are a lot of thoughts running through our mind, which we can’t really express through words or in a few conversations. Moreover, it’s not necessary that others should listen to you (which is the problem for me; people can’t stand my overactive thoughts :D). Blogging is one medium where you can just keep talking out all that’s going through your mind. I’m so glad I was able to inspire him! ๐Ÿ™‚ So, Jefry (that’s him), THANK YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH! You made my day! Love you, buddy! ๐Ÿ™‚

Well, my mood did get spoiled sometime after that. I guess it still is…sort of, atleast. I hope some sound sleep and good food will do the trick. And maybe a fun movie. ๐Ÿ˜€ And coffee. And chocolates. And… See? This is what I meant when I said you could go on saying bullshit in your blog! ๐Ÿ™‚ So, what’s cooking (literally and otherwise) for weekend at your place?

I Don’t Know What This is About…’Coz it’s about A LOT :)

Written yesterday evening, in an attempt to empty my mind.

The day was dull, if I had to describe it in one word. All around me, people are facing major problems in their friendships. Everyone’s hurt due to some reason or the other…almost all revolving around their friends. Some have realized that they were painfully wrong about the ones they called ‘friends’…some have been accused of having changed too much when all they have done is be themselves. So, it’s problems all around me…and I do what I can to help. And me? Well, I’m not hurt. Nor am I facing a major dilemma. But I have to admit, this isn’t really a clear-minded time for me. There are a couple of issues kinda bothering me. But thankfully, nothing major. Not yet, atleast. Something that REALLY makes me feel weird, lately, is seeing a lot of couples around. I seem to be running into them wherever I turn to…and it feels awkward, probably because I’m single and can’t really stand too much of the mushy stuff.

Anyway, since morning, I was craving for a cup of coffee. For some reason, I never seemed to get enough time to go and have one. So, I thought I’d go out and have it, after class. I mentioned coffee in my post, even…and that just intensified my longing. I felt like I could already smell it. After everything, I ran out with my friend, Merlin, to grab my cup of coffee. But, again, we couldn’t get it because of some reasons (which, amazingly, pops up right when I’m craving for it). You might wonder how hard it can be to get some coffee. Well, it seemed to be unnaturally hard, this particular day. Finally, when I reached hostel, the first thing I did was have a cup of coffee. Damn! That felt heavenly! The blessed aroma, the colour, the taste…and the rush I feel when it gets into my system! Coffee rocks! Anytime, any day! It felt super-good, especially since I had been craving for it so badly.

Another major craving I had today was for chocolates – lots of it! I didn’t get to have lots. But I did have enough to satiate my longing for the day. That’s one miracle that can always make me feel better. I can’t stop gushing about the pleasure it gives me. Truly heaven! And today (ie,

Love them, love them, love them!

yesterday), very aptly, is Chocolate Day (my friend said so)! I saw some pictures of delicious-looking chocolates…and I can’t stop thinking about them! Sometimes, all I need to turn my day around are chocolates. And maybe some coffee. ๐Ÿ™‚ And a book…And a friend… OK, I think I’ll stop at that. No, wait, add some music to it, too… Guess that should be it… And perhaps…Ahh, never mind!! ๐Ÿ˜€

So, like I said, it’s wonderful to give in to your cravings…indulge in some guilty pleasures. Especially when things around you are going bad. These are ways to bring some spot of joy into your day, after all.

You know, it feels really odd to have almost all your friends in a relationship and busy with their (respective) guys. There’s no more girls’ days out, no more together-time. It’s mostly just couples’ time (with just 2 more months of college left, everyone wants to spend as much time together, ie. with their guy, as they can) and single souls like me and Merlin are left to have fun on our own. Not that I’m complaining. We (single souls) have plenty of fun when we can! ๐Ÿ˜‰ But it’s just that I miss those group stuff…

By the way, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I have never liked the idea of keeping aside a day for expressing one’s love. Honestly speaking, I have never had a proper Valentine’s Day. Yeah, I have given and received cards & gifts. But nothing like a proper Valentine’s Day. I find it weird that we keep aside a particular day for love. Isn’t it supposed to happen everyday? Anyhow, I have to admit there’s a certain happiness when you get a card on V-Day, you kinda feel good with all the ‘love in the air’, seeing people (read : couples) around you so happy. Of course, it’s a different case altogether if you are single, or worse, recently single. But, I guess, V-Day is about love, any kind of love. So, you don’t necessarily need a guy/girl to make it perfect. A day out with your best friend or group of friends can be fun, too. Another element of V-Day is gifts!! I love getting them. Who doesn’t? But I prefer getting something a little personalized rather than the usual stuff (stuffed toys, perfumes, so on). I mean, the person should have given a little bit of thought to it, while selecting the gift. If you think about it, you can deduce how much a person has understood you from the gifts they give. Even if you choose something as usual as accessories, you could try to find something of a certain style the receiver might like, or maybe stuff of their favourite colour(s). That would show you have spent some genuine effort in the gift-selecting. I’d love a thoughtful gift…something that plainly calls out the person’s love and affection.

Gifts I’d love to get are:

  • Books, diaries, pens – I love reading and writing. So, these are the first options anyone who knows me would think about. Anything to do with books works perfectly fine with me. ๐Ÿ™‚ I should warn you, anyhow…You’d probably be hugged to death!
  • Chocolates – Ahhhh! I don’t think I can ever stop talking about it! Gift me chocolates, any day! And I will be super-happy! Like super-super-happy! ๐Ÿ™‚

    What I'd like for this V-Day ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Anklets – Part of my new craze. I love these funky, crazy anklets, especially ones with lots of colours. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Nose rings – Another one of my new-found crazes. I’m seriously in love with them. Get me ones with different colours and I’ll be jumping with delight!
  • T-shirts with crazy writings… Basically, anything that defines me. And anything that a person chooses with me in mind.
  • Or just surprise me! I’d LOVE that, too!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Basically, I select gifts for my friends by going around from shop to shop, looking for something that will remind me of them. Mostly, I find some stuff that will kinda leap out at me (when I think of the person), something that calls out their name, their identity. It’s fun!! What gifts would you love to get? And do you enjoy picking out gifts for your loved ones?