And I would run away…

Have you ever felt the need to just run away? Run away from the place you’re in right now, the situation… Actually, not run away from anything. Just run away. Take a break, a deep breath, just not let anyone know…go away to some random place. You get the idea (don’t you?)! So, have you ever felt an urge to do it? It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. No, nothing bad happening. Just that I’m not very happy with some situations and am kinda fed up. The thought of running away to some far-off place with nobody bothering me, nothing to worry about is extremely tempting.

To be honest, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of running away. When I have nothing else to think about, I sit and think up possible plans for survival if (and when) I run away. My family’s never given me a reason to do it yet (luckily!). So, I decided that a reason wasn’t necessary. Today morning, I was seriously considering the idea. And that led me to think why I want to do it, in the first place. Well, you know what? I think it must be the sheer sense of freedom that it gives me. The knowledge that I can just let go of everything and go off somewhere, that I can just disappear one day. Knowing that I can be completely free.

Wondering why it’s necessary to run away to be completely free? Because, right now, I can’t really do what I want. Not always. I might have to keep my mouth shut so that I don’t lose my job, I might have to hold back something so that I don’t hurt some people… Doing what I want isn’t as easy as it sounds. So, loving the idea of running away should come as no surprise! I might not take off today, probably not tomorrow or the day after…but, hopefully, soon (Am I glad my parents aren’t reading this!).

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What I’m Upto…

Right from the time I could remember, I have been into Hindi music. I used to listen to most of the new songs, pick my favourites, suggest others to listen to them, have long talks with friends about the new movies & songs. Music has always been one inseparable part of my life, right from school time. And I’ve always been more into Bollywood music as compared to English, Malayalam or Tamil. So, imagine my dismay and frustration when I end up doing college in a place where Hindi movies hardly get released (hardly=limited to big banner movies). And don’t even ask about the music! I was almost equal to an illiterate when it came to Bollywood music, while there. Once in a while, some friend would tell me about this new hit song from so-and-so movie and that was like the only way I had to keep myself updated. And, of course, I had the internet. But there’s only so much you can  find out by sitting in the lab and googling. 🙂

What I used to do was: while I come home (read: RAK) for the hols, I used to check out the movies/music that I had missed during the past few months and catch up. I’d  google for the reviews and pick out those that seem good; sometimes, go by my own judgement, from the sound of the movie title, music director, singers, so on. And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now. 🙂 I’ve been going through some movie reviews, a hell lot of music reviews… And I’ve rerealized how crazy I still am about music. Not just anything or everything, though. Basically, I’m crazy about good movies & music. And what’s good? I’d say any music that can connect to me (my inner being) can be declared good.

I have found some really good songs, some awesome movies to watch… and it’s surprising how some movies that weren’t exactly box-office hits can have such beautiful music! Even though some songs didn’t exactly turn out to be as good as the reviews promised, I’ve come across a handful that I’m sure are going to be played a hell of a lot! 🙂 To name a few (very very few), I’m in love with Hona Tha Pyaar from Bol, Tere Dil Mein from Let’s Party (Ganesh Hegde [I’m crazy about him!!!]), Tera Noor from Teri Rehmatein (Javed Ali), songs from Jhootha Hi Sahi…

So, I’ll be getting back to my songs, for now. Let me know what you’ve been upto! 🙂 

I’m BAD!

To everyone who read the previous post, thank you so much for bearing with the nonsense I wrote. 🙂 I spoke to Saba today and she (very rightly) pointed out to me that I’ve been posting a lot of shit since I got back. I admit she is not far from the truth. 🙂 Personally, I’m appalled at the state of my writing. I guess it’s probably because I’m happy…and there is nothing much to talk about. So, why not stop blogging instead of blabbering nonsense? Well, I can’t do that. Because I’m too addicted to my blog! 😀

Anyway, I have been racking my brains for something interesting to blog about. And struck upon this idea. It had occurred to me a long time ago, but I had far better stuff to talk about then. So, now, I thought I would take up that once-ignored thought.

I’m bad. And I shamelessly admit it. I don’t know why people have this weird idea that they should portray themselves as good, even if they know they aren’t. Being good isn’t really so important. I think it’s a grossly overrated concept. What matters is what you do. Show what you are through your deeds, not just your words. Come on, even bad people can do good, although that may not necessarily earn them an entry into the good category. But a supposedly good person has to go wrong just once and they are labelled as ‘gone bad’ ! Crazy world, I say!

Bad Bad Bad!

Moreover, good and bad are concepts that differ from one person to another. My right could be your wrong. So, my idea of good may very well be your bad. And you know what? Nobody  can be completely good or bad. In fact, each one of us have two faces –  the good and the bad. We cannot be black or white, not entirely. Because we are in the grey region, always.

You might think you will never be able to do wrong, lie to or cheat someone. But when you f ind yourself in a trying situation, you’ll be surprised to find that you start bending the rules…just a tiny bit, perhaps. That’s when the little devil in you raises its head. And then, you make up some excuse so that you can justify it to yourself. Clever devil!

Are you looking at me with wide, innocent eyes…saying “She can’t be talking about me. I’m good!” ?? Who are you fooling? Don’t tell me you have never hated anyone. Don’t even try convincing me that you have never been jealous of that rich friend you have. Haven’t you, atleast once in your life, spoken bad about someone, with or without reason? Haven’t you been selfish, self-centered and possessive?  Haven’t you lied? Wasn’t there atleast one instance when you knowingly went against your parents/authorities? Haven’t you rebelled? And don’t give me that shit about all this being excused by the circumstances!

After all this, you call yourself good? Hah! See what I mean? We are all bad, bad people..all of us!  It’s ok. You don’t have to worry about being bad! It does not make you Evil Incarnate or anything. See it this way – you are just being humane. You are no saint. Like you didn’t already know that! 😀

Actually, I’m not trying to make everyone seem bad or guilty. Not at all. I’m not saying mankind is evil. It’s just that I want people to understand it’s ok to admit that you’re bad. I want people to get over the idea that saying (just saying) you are good is important . Because we are not entirely good. Saying you are good will never be fully true. In fact, you are lying when you say that (see, you’re already bad!). 😀 But, atleast, when you tell you are bad, it’s the truth, because all of us have bad streaks of our own. It’s fun being bad. So, just accept the fact that being bad is ok. And join the club! I’m super-bad!!! 😀

Where I Disappeared To… ;)

It has been a whirlwind week. Literally. I just got back to college after a week full of fun, activities and travelling. During the past 7 days, I went through parts of 4 different districts of the state, met a handful of amazing people and had some awesome time! And thought a great lot of stuff. Along with the crazy fun, there were so many instances when I was struck by profound thoughts. Every time I got a thought like that, I jotted it down so that I would remember it all to be posted here later, when I get back. 🙂

 

Well…to start from the beginning. On 22nd, all of my classmates from the hostel went out on a day out. It was more like trekking and I get easily tired by that. But we had a great time. We took a hell lot of photos (which isn’t really my thing, to be honest), chattered a lot, laughed so much and, basically, had a lot of fun! I’ll try putting up some pics in another post, coming up soon. Anyway, I loved the time we had. We checked out the stuff in the shops. I found this shop selling second-hand books and there were a handful of books that I have been longing to read. I bought ‘The Romanov Prophecy’ by Steve Berry. That was enough to make the rest of my day super-awesome! 🙂 I should mention that the lunch wasn’t satisfying enough but the fun parts outshine the disappointment. So, never mind!

 

Thekkady Boating Ticket Counter and Tourist In...

One spot we went to, if my memory is right!

 

The day passed so fast, hours passing by in a blur of laughter, photos and the happiness of being with your friends. 🙂 We got to meet this cute guy who came to talk to us and even clicked some photos for us! I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again, but I really liked him. He was…ummm…fun in a mischievous way! 😉 We did meet a couple of other guys, too. Anyway, all of us were exhausted but super-happy by the time we got back to hostel. Next day, all of us went home. It kinda felt like we were leaving forever, but I was glad to know I’d be coming back! 🙂 I never thought I would actually feel that!!

At home, I spent time with Janet (that’s my sister). We spoke a lot, caught up with each other’s lives, laughed a lot, talked about childhood memories and fought a tiny little bit. 🙂 As usual. We also went out, one evening. Just to the town, roamed around a bit, chattering all the while. 🙂 There were some issues she was caught up in. So, that kinda dampened our moods, in between. I had a fight with dad and some other issues, too. Both of us were really depressed when we left home but since I was going to my friend’s place, I pushed everything out of my head. I could deal with it later, anyway…

At my friend’s place (Betsy is her name), we just spent some time, lazing around, watching some movies, sleeping, talking and loafing around. On 28th, I went to meet Kiran at her hometown. 🙂 It felt so good to see her after so long (more than a year). I was introduced to her friends from college. I found them to be a pack of really sweet, friendly, crazy and super-awesome girls who were absolute fun to be with. There were 6 of them. Yes, I did feel kinda weird, initially, since I was meeting them for the first time. But I slowly got over it. That night, we wanted to do something fun or mischievous. But most of them were sleepy and wanted some proper sleep. So, there were just 3 of us (plus me and Betsy) – Pranavi, Meghna and Disha – sitting on the bed, talking. We shared some ghost stories (with the lights off)! It was fun because all three were kinda scared yet wanted to listen to all the horror stuff. Pranavi was so scared and used to scream at the slightest of noises and stuff. She got super-scared and yelled when Meghna touched her by mistake! We spent the whole night talking! We were babbling till almost 4:45am!

After the horror story session, we spoke about random stuff like science, religion, God, so on. Then, we had a game of Truth (& Dare, but since we were not in a situation to do Dares, we stuck to playing just Truth!). It was SUPER-AWESOME! I loved it! We asked each other a lot of wayward questions, some insane, some perverted, some just stupid! We laughed so much at the bullshit we were saying, shared so many experiences and made most of those few hours we had with us! I know I might not be personally close to any of them, but I had enough fun that night to form a sort of bond with them. 🙂 Next day, we had to get up at 7 or so. We got ready and went for the wedding.

It was the first time I was attending a Hindu marriage. I was fascinated by their rituals and customs. Since the minute it began, I was paying close attention to what was happening and was so lost in it that I didn’t see anyone/anything else. I really loved it! Apart from the fact that it was short, sweet and simple, there was a lot of meaning in their rituals. And I should admit, I would love to have a Hindu marriage! 🙂 Seriously! After the marriage, we had lunch, spoke to Kiran for a while and then, had to leave. Betsy and I bid our farewells and went on our way home, after two great days with some really wonderful people! 🙂 I got back to hostel the next day (ie, yesterday). So, that’s what I’ve been upto during the past one week. It has been hectic, I admit. But I would do it all over again, any day! Without a doubt, or a moment’s hesitation! 🙂 I loved the experience…and all that came with it – the people, the good times, thoughts, everything. Yes, I know I haven’t mentioned the thoughts…more of that coming up. And I’ll try getting some pics for the upcoming posts! 🙂

One for now... 🙂 that's us, hostelers from my class, at Thekkady

:)

It’s amusing how I seem to be able to get so many ideas to write about when I’m feeling down. And when I’m happy, I’m too ecstatic to think of anything to write about. It’s no different this time. Don’t ask me why I’m feeling low. Because I can’t put a finger on it, myself! I know that sounds weird but, well, that’s the truth! 🙂 But making most of this down-time, I’ve been getting a lot of thoughts that I want to blog about. And I also heard of this hilarious experience that a friend had recently. When I heard it, I knew, right away, that I wanted to write about it. So, I guess that means an awesome lot for you to read, coming soon.:D

I’ve been kinda quiet, lately. I don’t blabber too much in class and spend most of the day doing what I want, silently. Unlike before, when I used to go around saying crazy nonsense to others and just chattering like an insane idiot! A classmate remarked about my sudden change and he thinks I’ve become better because I stopped the blabbering and the nonsense. OK, so wasn’t I good all this while? How can I be labeled good/better, all of a sudden, just because I became quiet? I mean, what exactly is the connection between being quiet and being good? Well, this thought process may not apply to everyone out there. But over here, I’ve noticed that this is the general idea – that all those quiet, gentle, ones are good and all those hyper, crazy ones are not-so-good. I have no clue about how this misconception came about but it’s been there from the time I remember. And I’ve always been puzzled by the logic behind this reasoning. Well, not like it matters much to me. I’m not here to please anyone or pretend to be goody-two-shoes! It amuses me to know people make such weird connections, though.

Well, I’m looking forward to putting into words all that’s running through my mind. And I’m seriously super-happy to know there are some sweet souls out there who consider their day (almost) incomplete without reading my blog post. Thank you so much, all of you…especially my awesome friends out there! 🙂 You make my day!

…… !!!????!!!

I don’t know if anyone else out there has experienced this. But I certainly have. I have noticed that life seriously is a lot like a rollercoaster. It has so many ups and downs, sometimes really abrupt ones. And after every up, there’s this downward plunge, too. What I mean to say is, after every happy time, there will be an unhappy time. Almost always. After a month or so of some great ‘up-time’, I think life has taken its journey along the downward curve, for me, that is. I’m going through a down-time right now. 🙂 It’s really weird. I try to explain it to people. But I find that I can’t. I am not sad or unhappy. I’m just not happy. How do you explain an emotional state like that? A kind of no-emotion-state. While something good happens, I might feel some happiness, but that evaporates right when the moment is gone. Nothing seems to be touching me enough to make me truly happy. I wouldn’t say there’s nothing happening. There is, definitely, a lot happening around me. But somehow, none of it seems to be ‘happening’ enough. I’m so bored and feeling so dead. I guess that’s part of life, part of having an amazing up-time. 🙂 Well, I hope this weird phase passes off soon.

Right now, as I sit down to write something, I find myself at a loss of words. I can’t think of anything. And I am not happy with whatever I do manage to write about. See…this is what comes out of my down-time. I have been indulging in a lot of thoughts, as always. And I did want to blog about some of them. But now, I don’t feel inspired enough to write about any of them. Maybe some other day. Hopefully. 🙂

Well, so…it’s yet another weekend. Time seems to be flying, like, literally. All I can remember are weekends, one after the other. All the days in between seem to have blended together to form one big, boring day. Wow! I can be so positive! Anyway, all my friends have gone home, except one sweet soul (thank god for her)! So, it’s going to be a peaceful, lazy weekend with lots of time for myself. That also means lots of time for writing out, listening to lots of music, reading, dreaming, thinking…and doing all the nonsense I want to. 😛 And of course, I hope it helps me get over this weird episode of writer’s block I’m facing. 🙂

Just another boring day… :)

It has been such a boring, unremarkable day. Nothing of significance has happened. During the last hour of class, we had a test. Of course, I knew nothing and so, my paper was filled with a lot of unintelligible bullshit. 😀 I must have taken a maximum of 15 minutes for that! I spent the remaining time thinking of what I would post about today. I was truly blank! What could I possibly write about on days like this – dull, boring and devoid of any remarkable thought? So, I decided I would just let my mind wander and come up with something.

You know, there are instances when I suddenly become aware of where I am and what I am doing. And then, I find myself wondering why I am here and doing this. Sometimes, when I sit in class, I get this sudden thought: “I’m actually sitting in this class, pursuing this useless degree.” And I try to figure out why I’m taking this degree when I don’t want it, in the first place. Beats me. But what I wanted to bring to attention is the sudden revelation of those moments. You go on from one day to the next without really thinking what you are doing or why you doing it. Some people might find it absurd to be asked the question (why they are doing something, ie). A normal reply would be: “Why? Because we have to do it, we are meant to do it.” And why are you meant to do it? The final answer would, most probably, be “I don’t know”. Life just goes on; you do what you have been doing all this while, or what everyone around you has been doing. Without giving a thought to why you are actually doing it.

It must be weird to feel like you just got hit on your head and then, out of the blue, you think: “Wow! I’m So-and-So…and I’m doing this. OK, so what am I doing here? Why am I here?” I don’t know how many out there must have felt this way. But a few of my friends have experienced this sudden bolt of self-realization (or whatever you call it). If you have felt something of this sort, then WELCOME to the club! You are officially crazy! 😛

So, another weekend…I’m hoping to have a good time lazing around (as always) and reading the book that I started with long back…and of course, I need to spend some quality time with friends. 🙂 So, that’s the plan of action! And I really hope next week arrives, bright and cheerful, with lots of crazy thoughts for me to blog about. 😀

Perfect way to spend a day 🙂