Figuring Out

Everyday, I open up the ‘Add New Post’ page, thinking the sight of it might inspire me or push me to write out something. But it has been nearly two weeks now. Ann told me that I must blog something today. And then, I found this Freshly Pressed post today, in which the blogger experiences a similar lack of  inspiration to write (due to different reasons, though). In my case, I just don’t find that spark, that inner need to write, to let out my thoughts. I do have stuff to say, but I just can’t seem to find the will to do it.

I’m trying to figure out what I should do next, in terms of a course/further studies. I want to let myself take time and come up with it, but meanwhile, it kind of depresses me to think that I’m in the middle of nowhere, right now…with no idea of where to turn to, what to do next. I’m sure it’s normal, but I’m still trying to come to terms with it. So, I suppose all that inner turmoil is the actual culprit behind my lack of motivation.

Someone once told me that we don’t really need to be taught anything; all that we need to know or learn is within us. It might be true, because sometimes when a person tells me something, I get this feeling that I had already known it, and just needed someone to remind me of it.

I had been unable to understand why I was so moody and disturbed. And then, while reading ‘Like the Flowing River’ by Paulo Coelho, I came across this situation (a comparison to life) in it, and it struck me: “This is my problem! I knew it all along but I needed to be reminded, be told about it (in this case, read it).” So, this was what enlightened me –

“The Persian poet Rumi once said that life is like being sent by a king to another country in order to carry out a particular task. The person sent may do a hundred other things in that other country, but if he or she fails to fulfill the particular task he or she was charged with, it is as if nothing had been done.”

The age-old problem of finding one’s purpose in life. I realized that I’m plagued disturbed. Because I couldn’t figure out what exactly I was supposed to do. That constant feeling of ‘something missing’ or

Found this online. LOVED it! 🙂 Made me smile!

‘something not right’ – that’s what is disturbing me. And I also realize that it is upto me to put it right. And that it can’t be forced. So, while that goes on, I’m trying to enjoy this phase. Trying to get over the sense of loneliness and purpose-less-ness.

I’m sure all of you must have gone through this. So, tell me, how did you get over it or sort it out? 

Down. And I Don’t Know Why!

Yesterday, I was almost about to blog about this. But then, I thought it would be too emotional, too personal. After all, this is a blog, not my personal diary. I know this will be read by so many others and I wouldn’t want them to get bored with TMI about my emotions. So, I stopped myself from it. But today, I was checking out other blogs using the WordPress Reader, in an attempt to find some thread to blog about. While deciding which one to pick first, I saw the first few lines of a blog post. It sounded SO much (read: SO SO SO SO much) like what I was going through and I immediately knew I’d connect to it.

I read it. I loved it! I can’t tell you how much. I know it will seem negative and depressing to most of you, but I loved it because I know what the blogger is going through; because I echo everything she has said in the post. I don’t know if it’s mean to say this (I already told this to the blogger, anyway) but it felt comforting, in a lot of ways, to know that I’m not alone in my weird situation, that there is someone else going through the very same. Reading that post did quite a lot to lift my spirits a tiny bit higher. 🙂 I’m so glad she (the blogger) decided to post it, even though it was way too personal. Thank you so much, hastywords. This is the post I’ve been talking about, the post that inspired me to write the one I’m writing now – Mess In A Dress.

So, after reading that post, I’ve decided that I can blog about what I’m going through. The fact that someone else has already done it gave me courage. But apart from that, I also realized that there may be others out there who are feeling the same as me and I might be able to reach out to them, give them a little comfort, and let them know they aren’t alone. I know some of you will get bored…it’s going to be depressing for some. I suggest you turn back now, if you think you don’t want to deal with this (like you don’t have enough of your own, right?). Now (assuming there’s no one crazy enough to continue reading), I guess I’m free to ramble on to myself (love talking to myself!).

Well, I’ve been feeling so weirdly down, disturbed, confused and irritated for the past few days. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my usual spat of down-time. Whatever it is, I hate it! There’s this good friend of mine who has been asking me what the reason is, trying to help me as much as he can… How can he possibly help me when I don’t know the reason myself? It is frustrating when you know that you’re hurting your loved ones, and you can’t seem to do anything to stop it. I want to try to open up, but can’t seem to get the words out. It’s all there in my head, just can’t seem to bring it out (though it seems to be working over here!). How do I tell someone that I’m disturbed but don’t know why?

I don’t feel like doing anything, talking to anyone; nothing seems to make sense right now. I know I have so many loving souls around me, yet I can’t feel happy. I’ve tried figuring out why but haven’t got an answer yet. It’s surprising, though, how I can’t talk about this to any of my close friends but can tell it out so publicly here on a freaking blog!

Exactly, baby! You’re so right!

Well, so…that’s my problem. I’m disturbed, feeling so low and frustrated but I don’t know why. I feel almost suffocated by the overload of distress in me. I feign a happiness I don’t feel, I smile and talk pleasantly while inside, there’s this immense heaviness pulling me down, tearing me apart from within.

I’m not expecting any of you to flood me with comforting comments or anything. Hell, I don’t even expect you to read this! I suppose this was just an attempt to let out what’s in my head, what’s been there for quite a few days now. And if anyone reading this is experiencing the same down-time: “Hey there, I know how you feel. But I guess it’s ok. They say there’s a brighter side to everything. Maybe we should just stick together (all of us depressed souls) until we get to that side.”

 

P.S: I’m already feeling kinda better. 🙂