Just Out of The Coma

*treads lightly*

*trying to find my footing*

*stumbles, gets up*

*starts over again*

Clearly, I’m feeling a little lost. Like I’m trying to relearn something that was familiar but feels so strange now. Which isn’t far from the truth, of course. Anyway, here goes.

Sometime when I was in high school, I read about Alex Garland’s The Coma in a magazine.  And, immediately added it to my mental to-read list. The basic plot goes something like this: it starts with the protagonist being attacked by a group of men, one night, following which he falls into a coma. The rest of the book is just him and his consciousness talking, trying to make sense of reality and dreams. I’m sure the magazine must have put it in a much more interesting way, but, well, you get the idea.

It took almost ten years for me to get hold of that book but I finally read it a few days ago. And absolutely loved it, by the way. But then, I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. I can’t seem to take up another book because I’m still sort of stuck in The Coma. And I felt compelled to write about it, atleast as a way of closure if nothing else (I love books that do that to me!).

When I started off with the book, I remember wondering why it wasn’t made into a movie, considering it deals with a gripping subject. You know, with all the talk about conscious and subconscious, it could neatly fit into the same category as Stay, for instance. However, as I read on, I realized why it couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be a movie.

From the start till the end, all you know about the character is his name (Carl). You don’t know where he is from, what his profession is, what he looks like or even what the other people in the book look like! Much like in a dream, the places and situations just keep shifting constantly, leaving you feeling disoriented. And intrigued. This vague, hazy plot definitely couldn’t be a movie. And, even if it were made into one, it would make absolutely no sense (I’m still trying to understand the ending, in fact).

And. yet, I loved the book. Why? I really don’t know. The first thing that struck me as interesting was that the pages weren’t numbered. It may not seem like a big deal but then, it takes off the sense of order that page numbers could give (and that works perfectly for the dream-like sequences), adding to the confusion. Maybe I loved it because it’s so unconventional. Or, perhaps, because it makes sense and yet doesn’t. Because there’s no right or wrong by which you can judge what Carl goes through. And, because, in a lot of ways, it made me question my own perceptions of reality, consciousness and life. So much so that, at a certain point, I looked up from the book, glanced around and wondered if the place and situation I was in were real or a dream (not kidding!).

If I had to pick out a favourite part (like I always do at the end of a book-rant), it would be this one, where Carl sums up how we’re all basically consciousnesses in a void:

“..if I were to lose an arm in an accident, I’d still be me. They wouldn’t say, he used to be Carl, then he lost an arm, now he’s John.

And, if, in another accident, I lost the other arm, the same would be true. Likewise with my legs, my sight, my hearing, my speech, my sense of touch. You could keep going, keep stripping me down, until I was only a consciousness, suspended in a void.

But, take away the consciousness, and suddenly I’m gone. Carl is no more. And take away the consciousness but leave the body, leave the full complement of arms and legs, and I’m still gone.”

PS: I found this interestingly similar review online – Consciousness in the void – Business Standard

How’s Life ?

Last day, while chatting with Merlin, she asked me how I was feeling. And  I told her, without a second thought, that I was feeling great! She asked me if there was a specific reason and I didn’t have any. I mean, I’m just happy. I’m not exactly doing much over here. In fact, all I do is catch up with the movies/music I missed, read, loaf around, talk to Ann, so on. If I were back at Kerala, I’d probably be telling you about how bored and fed up I’m with the same situation.

There’s something about this place that really connects to me…brings back the happiness that I don’t feel elsewhere! I feel more myself, happier …and the best part is I don’t feel the need to search for happiness. Back there, I used to feel like something is missing, that I need to search for that ‘something’ to make myself feel better. Over here, I can sense a kind of completeness from within. 🙂 Which is exactly why I love this place!

Every time I come here on vacation, I rediscover the zeal for life…then, I go back and lose it… only to come here and find it again. It’s incredible how places can have so much of influence on you, right? 🙂 I’m in love with RAK for the sheer joy it always gives me…for the way it awakens all my dreams and hopes! How’s life going with you? 🙂 


Dreams Come True…

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, everyone! Hope you had a great day!! Last Friday, in class, a guy I know came to me and asked me to help him. He said he wanted me to write a poem which he wanted to give to a girl he likes, on Valentine’s Day. He had an idea in mind and wanted me to develop it into a complete poem. To be frank, I was touched. He is a really easy-going guy…so much like a kid…naive, adorable, one of the sweetest guys in my class. Something so expressive as an idea for a poem was completely unexpected of him! Especially since the girl in question isn’t someone he is seriously into. I wrote the poem, anyway, based on the outline he gave me. He was delighted with it! I could see the joy in his face. He said he really liked it. After this incident, even I wished someone would write me a poem, or atleast a simple letter or something. I have never dated a guy who was into writing or spontaneous surprises. So, I guess I have always missed getting something of that sort. And this V-Day has proved to be nothing different. It’s been a boring day, until now, atleast.

Anyway, there’s something I have wanted to write about for the past few days. In school, one of my teachers used to tell me about this ‘technique’/way of making some dreams come true. It was a really simple, easy thing…and if it could assure my dream’s realization, then why not give it a try? So, I tried it. It’s something that has to be kind of woven into your routine. I continued doing it for almost 3-4 months…until it came true! Yes, my dream did come true. After that, I used this ‘technique’ 3 more times, to fulfill some seemingly impossible dreams. And guess what? They have all happened! 🙂 It might seem too good to be true. But, I’m serious. If it worked for me, it can work for you, too. So, I thought I’d reveal the secret here.

You will need a notebook and a pen. All you have to do is: Fix a particular time, preferably a time when you will be free, everyday. At this decided time, each day, write out your dream around 10 or 15 times. I usually go for 10. It is important to do this at the exact same time everyday. When you write, be as specific as possible. If there’s a deadline involved, mention it. Like, for instance, it could be something like this: ‘I want to successfully complete my novel within one month/before 1st March’. It can be anything, literally, anything you want to happen. OK, maybe not something too crazy or impossible…like turning your house upside down (in the literal sense, that is; but who would want that, anyway?).

Important ==> When you write, try to concentrate on it, see it in your mind and put your heart into it. Those 5 minutes of genuine effort, each day, can work miracles in your life. Sincerely believe that it will happen; be positive. If you write something and believe something else, there is no congruity between your actions and thoughts. So, you can’t blame me if this doesn’t work! 🙂

Since it has been effective for me (more than once!), I felt I should share it with others. When I want something to happen and it seems kinda improbable, or when there’s nothing I can do to make it happen, I try this. Do try it out, maybe as an experiment, just to test if it works for you. I truly hope it does. Hope your dreams come true! Whether they do happen or not, please let me know! I’d love to hear from you.

DISCLAIMER: The method was told to me by a teacher. I don’t know how he got to know about it. It could have been from a book, a movie, another person or any other medium. I do not claim this to be my idea or the teacher’s. Also, I cannot be held responsible if it doesn’t work/if something unfavourable happens.

Off to the Land of Dreams… :)

I have always been fascinated by dreams, be it the ones we see in sleep or the ones we think up and want to fulfill. Maybe because the whole phenomenon of dreaming is uniquely characteristic of human beings. I’m a person who loves dreaming. Give me 5 minutes and I will be lost in my own Neverland. Being someone who dreams such a hell lot, I was really disturbed when I came here (to college) and found that I was losing touch with my dreams. I just could not dream like I used to. I had no idea why. Anyhow, I did get through that phase…and now, I’m beginning to dream again.

Have you ever taken the effort to write down your dreams? I’m not referring to the dreams you see while you’re asleep (although writing those down can be pretty insightful, too). I’m talking about the dreams that drive you, that you want to see fulfilled. If you haven’t tried writing them down, then you should. I read in a book, long back, that it is good to keep aside a notebook to write down all your dreams in. I loved the idea and began writing my most ardent dreams in a book (which I named my ‘Dreambook’). Last day, I was going through it. I noticed that, initially, I used to write quite often. But the gap between each time I write in it went on increasing. Yesterday, I wrote in it after almost over a year.And I wrote out around 4 pages filled with dreams. I urge you to try writing out your dreams or goals, too. It is an extremely uplifting experience. It makes you think a lot, especially about the life ahead. It pushes you to ponder over where you want to be in life, a few years ahead. And it’s a great way to get your priorities sorted out.

I wrote out my dreams under two heads – for the near future (next 2-3 years) and for the distant future (next 20-30 years). It’s a wonderful way to think about what you want in life. It doesn’t always have to revolve around serious issues like job, family, security and the like. When you sit down to write your dreams, you are actually thinking of all that you want to achieve in the near or distant future. It can be major or minor. It can be something as simple as a dream to, say, learn a new instrument or a language. Or something as crazy as wanting to go bungee jumping. Whatever it maybe, writing it out is almost symbolic to taking the first step to achieve it (not my words, I read that somewhere). You are actually taking some effort towards the realization of that dream, setting into motion the whole process of fulfilling it. And like I said, it’s an awesome, enlightening experience. Because you think about what matters to you in life, you list out all that you want in life… You begin to think of many other aspects you might never have thought of earlier. It kind of makes you see life differently.

Once you know what you want in life, you feel a kind of peace within. And writing out one’s most ardent dreams is one ‘practice’ that can bring you an abundance of happiness. So, take some time off from your busy schedule. Sit down in some silent, peaceful place. And write down all your dreams, every serious or silly dream that you want to fulfill in life. If possible, try dreaming more, too. Come on, how hard can that be? 🙂 Whenever you can, go back to doing this, adding more dreams, and sometimes, ticking off the ones that have come true. Don’t consider it as an exercise, though. Do it only if you find happiness in it. I did. And that’s exactly why I wanted to share this with you.

Whether you write it down or not, try to never let go of your dreams. For they are what adds a sparkle to life. Hold onto them! And while you are at it, dream BIG!!!

Seeing Through Mr. Perfect…

My best friend, Kiran, once said, “It’s a good thing that we became friends. I help in keeping you rooted to reality and you remind me not to stop dreaming.” I loved what she said. Because it was wonderfully phrased and very true. I’m a person who is half-lost in my own world of dreams while she is more rational and sensible. One subject on which our opinions are poles apart is true love. She does not believe in anything of that sort; I do.

For her, true love exists in books and movies alone. It does not happen in real life. It’s just not sensible enough to be possible. True. But I love the idea because of this very lack of sense. I know it’s a really teenag-ish thought…something adolescents choose to dream about, But I have always been a firm believer in the concept of true love. It does exist. Some time in life, you will encounter your version of it. Just keep your eyes and heart open to its magic. 🙂

Anyhow, one valuable lesson I have learnt, the hard way, is that even though true love may happen, there is no such thing as a Mr./Ms. Perfect. Everyone has a certain picture of the person they want in life…the person’s qualities, appearance, behaviour…their own portrayal of Mr./Ms. Perfect. Being the super-dreamy person I am, I had a picture of my Mr. Perfect, too. Not physical attributes, just a kind of checklist listing out the qualities and traits I would want in my guy.

I always held this ‘guy’ close to heart, unknowingly or subconsciously seeking him in every guy I liked. But there would always be something missing, something wrong. I held onto the belief that I would meet him someday in life…someone who is a living embodiment of my concept of Mr. Perfect. I never lost hope. I kept waiting…thinking I would find happiness, love and eternal bliss once I met him.

Did I meet him? Well, I think I did. I met a guy who matched my concept perfectly (only exception being: he wasn’t an avid reader). I was on cloud nine (of course)!!! We connected so well, so amazingly well. We knew each other to a very surprising extent; we could even predict the other’s response to certain comments or situations. He made me laugh like hell, which is something really important for me. He was my definition of happiness. Everything was great, perfect. After all, I had met ‘my guy’.

It took me some time to realize that I was very drastically wrong. He might have been exactly like the guy I had in mind and all that. But I understood that he wasn’t really what he showed himself to be. In a lot of ways, he was not genuine. As in, he did have all that I was looking for, but was wrong in so many other ways. My friends, particularly Kiran (being ever so sensible), did see through his pretenses but I was never ready to believe any of it. Until I understood it myself. Yes, it was painful but I could not ruin my own life, being with a guy like that, however perfect he maybe. So then… I saw light! 🙂

You might have a checklist (virtual or real) of attributes your Mr./Ms. Perfect will possess. It is certainly good that you know what you want. But the ugly truth is: he/she, most probably, does not exist (barring unnatural exceptions)! You can make yourself believe that someone is perfect for you, but that does not necessarily have to be true. Another possible problem is: while you are so eagerly busy searching for this perfect person, you could pass by your soulmate (someone who is meant for you, even if he/she maybe different from your idea of ‘perfect’) without even noticing him/her. Personally, I think that would be far worse than not finding someone adhering to my concept of Mr. Perfect.

Since I dream a lot, too, I know so many out there will disagree with me. They will choose to hold onto their fantasy of meeting their Mr./Ms. Perfect. If it were earlier, I would have done that, too. But, in the long run, a relationship acquires meaning when you are able to accept the person’s flaws and love him/her in spite of it all. However perfect the person maybe, if his flaws outbalance the perfectness, how can it possibly work?

So, I had to go through this very painful, awful ‘relationship’ to learn this very valuable lesson. Like they say, everything happens for good. Maybe my enlightenment was the good intended to come out of the said relationship. 😀

Have I Dreamt of You before?

Today, early morning (sometime around 3am or so, I believe) I saw this very intriguing dream. The first half seemed new to me, as in, I knew (quite certainly) that I was seeing it for the first time. There was someone with me, I can’t recollect who it was, though. She (I’m sure it was a ‘she’) was saying something about patterns we can make on the sand (the location was a beach, at night) and then, moved onto say something about her artwork. Next thing I see is something weirdly familiar. And then, it struck me that I had seen this dream before. I saw this child (I think it was me, though I don’t remember for sure) holding a kind of painting and without anything being explained, I knew that it was a painting her father had given her before dying. I could remember ‘scenes’ from the first version of the dream and that’s how I understood this detail of the dream. I woke up just then, because the thought was so surprising that it pulled me out of sleep.

I could not remember seeing this dream before but I was absolutely certain that I had. I found that very weird. I keep seeing such dreams – completely like a story or a movie, with a proper plot, ending and everything – and another weird thing is, I see the same dream or the same story very often, like every now and then. I have this habit of writing down my most vivid dreams in as much detail as I can. And I have written accounts of a few dreams like this…a story completely made up by my overactive, sleepless mind. Today, when I woke up in the middle of the night (early morning, to be precise), I lay awake for a while, wondering what my mind was trying to convey with dreams like the one I had just seen. Maybe it’s giving me ideas for a story (I keep complaining I don’t have ideas for a proper story), maybe it’s just a random work of imagination. I really have no idea but I sure want to find out.

Coming back to today’s experience, after some thinking, I went back to sleep. Right at the moment I closed my eyes, half-asleep already, I saw this image of a guy and I somehow instinctively knew he was a ‘bad guy’. I pushed away the image and tried to sleep. And again, I saw another image, a different guy. But this time, my instincts told me he was someone special, someone important for me. Again, it intrigued me so much that I gave up trying to sleep (atleast for a while) and went back to thinking. I don’t know either of the guys I saw, and I don’t know if I ever will get to know them or see them. But I began wondering: I see so many strangers, unknown faces, in my dreams. Could there really be a person like that, somewhere in this world? Will I, some day, happen to meet them? How would it be like – meeting someone you have dreamt of? And what if they have dreamt of me, as well?

I don’t know how my mind conjures up all those unknown people for my dreams. Guess I’ve got a cool, imaginative mind, after all. Anyway, so, I finally went back to sleep. And guess what? I saw another ‘serial’ dream, one I have seen so many times; more than twice, definitely. In fact, I know the dream so well that after the first couple of times, I began ‘altering’ (more like bringing on) the end myself! Let me explain. The dream basically features my family – dad, mom, sister and me. But the ‘mom’ character in the dream isn’t my mom in real life. The ‘dad’ in the dream is a bad guy and the ‘mom’ dies somehow because of him (but through some weird way of thoughts or something, she does illustrate a certain method to kill the ‘dad’ guy –  something like locking him up in a room and setting it on fire from outside). I have seen the original version of the dream atleast twice, maybe even more – versions with the ‘dad’ guy still living in the end. When I saw it for the third time (assuming I had seen it only twice earlier), I remembered how the ‘mom’ had shown a way to kill the ‘dad’ guy and I used the idea, killing him myself. I followed the same steps that I remembered from the previous dream and TADAAA…happy ending! When I start seeing this dream, after a while, I think “I have seen this before…and I can use this plan to kill this guy because I saw it in the same dream last time”. What I’m trying to say is, the whole thing (remembering I have seen it before, borrowing the idea from the previous dream, carrying it out) happens within a dream!! I don’t know if you understood anything, but I was dumbstruck when I finished thinking about this.

I saw this very same dream for ‘God-knows-how-many-th’ time today… This time, my mind improvised it (to eliminate the element of repetition and boredom, perhaps). There was a neighbour visiting on the night I was supposed to kill the ‘dad’… I was supposed to lock him in a room; there was a cloth wedged in between (new addition), which I pulled out right at the last moment and this time, I had to take some effort to lock the door. But anyway, I got a happy ending again! This dream is one I have seen very often (as already said) but I NEVER remembered it when I woke up…until today!!!

I don’t know why I see such dreams so repetitively. It’s weird and I want to know why it happens. If anyone out there has an answer, do let me know. Anyhow, today was a relatively boring, unremarkable day (apart from the singularity of the dreams :D). Today, I had thought I would write something that comes into my mind at random. But when I woke up, I knew I wanted to blog about the dreams I saw. I can’t wait to laze around the whole weekend, reading or sleeping or just doing nothing! 🙂 Happy weekend to you all!! Dream away!!! 🙂

Regaining Myself…

It has been ages since I wrote something other than journal entries. I guess I have always known it. But I never did anything about it. Yesterday, I saw a movie that made me realize something I would love to do in life, as part of my work. It has rekindled the writer in me and is driving me to write out my thoughts and theories as I used to.

I write this after a break of almost 2 years. Reading through some of what I wrote earlier has made me realize that the quality of my writing has deteriorated to a great extent. When I went through some of those past poems and articles, I couldn’t even believe that I had written them! If you ask me why I couldn’t find time to write for so long, the only answer I can give is that I have been busy with life. I have entered a new phase of life. I had to go through a new beginning. It is when I am back home that I realize how I have changed and to what extent.

My homeland has drained me of so much that I held dear to heart. I used to believe that life should be lived, that we should strive to make a difference in each day in order to make life worth living. But presently, I am so caught up in a routine, monotonous life that I have lost much of the zest I had for life.

I have a lot of dreams in life. I’m sure about what I want from life. I have always been motivated and inspired by my dreams and goals. But once I got caught up in this routine, I seem to be losing touch with my dreams. This realization has caused a lot of depression and I have been trying my best to hold onto these goals which form the meaning of my existence.

Apart from causing me to lose my zest for life and my drive or motivation, this new stage in life has also caused havoc in the relationship I share with some of my best friends. It has rendered me lonely and very much unhappy.

I know I cannot change anything by complaining or lamenting. I know I cannot change my life back to how it was. But that does not mean I can sit back and watch while I lose what matters most in my life. All that I can do, at this point, is probably try to regain what I have lost. Inspiration, zeal and happiness are never hard or scarce to obtain as long as you learn to look deeply into yourself or learn from others’ lives. Reading some of what I wrote in the past has helped me learn so much from my own writings. I have regained so much of the inspiration I needed. And I intend to look ahead and keep hoping for the best, while I ensure that I am not daunted by those around me, that I do not lose the will and zeal to live each moment.

For all those out there who might face, be facing or have faced similar situations, I hope this experience of mine proves to you that you are not alone. Hope it helps you derive the requisite courage to go on, knowing that you are not alone in your suffering. Apart from being a helping hand to those like me out there, I just intended to draw some motivation from myself; for writing always serves to provide me with an insight into myself and helps me think clearer.

Live life to the fullest… Be positive and keep going ahead, hoping for the best! 🙂