The Secret to my Fear

Last day, I was reading a post (The Truth About Bees) in Tinkerbelle’s blog (it’s my top fav blog; do check it out when you can, you’ll love it!). It reminded me of how all our inexplicable or unnatural fears might have their roots in our childhood. You may never realize it, never even think about a possibility like that. Or maybe you have thought about it but can’t remember any childhood experiences that could be responsible for your fears.

Last week, at Goa, I got to encounter one such fear of mine. I had mentioned it in my blog post about the trip but it never struck me as unnatural, for some reason. While at the beach, the few friends who were with me were trying to go as deeper into the sea as they could. They enjoyed being dragged back to the shore by the huge waves, at times. All of them seemed completely comfortable and were, evidently, having a great time. Except me. I did enjoy it, I must admit. But whenever a wave took me off my feet, I felt this sudden panic, a kind of clutching fear at my chest and one thought running in my head – I’m going to drown. I was holding onto the hand of a friend but that did nothing to reduce the intensity of my ‘terror attacks’. He kept assuring me I wouldn’t get carried off or drown or anything of that sort. I would nod my head and smile at him. And then, the next wave would come along, bringing back the horror, all over again. Everyone tried to convince me I would be safe. I just didn’t know why it was impossible for me to accept it and have fun like them. After we got ashore, I never bothered to think about it. Until a couple of days ago.I have finally unearthed the possible root to my fear.

When I was 4 years or so, my family and I had gone to this beach (I don’t remember the details clearly, it’s all a vague memory right now). I was completely fascinated by the sea and couldn’t wait to get into the water. I was holding my dad’s hand and going into the water, slowly. At some point, I think I got toppled over by the waves or something. The next thing I knew, I had fallen down and my head was under water. I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know what to do. My dad did pull me up right then. It might have lasted for hardly 2-3 seconds but during those couple of seconds, I felt a fear so terrifying that I couldn’t possibly put it into words. If you have read Deep Water by William Douglas, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. Anyway, I can also remember another similar experience from my childhood (during the same time period, I think) when I fell into the water and went through a crushing terror. So there, I have solved the mystery of my fear of the sea (or any water body, for that matter).

When I read Tinkerbelle’s blog post about a similar topic, I was surprised. I had just recently figured out the reason for my own fear. And I felt inspired to write about it. I have been asking my friends, too, if they have any unexplained, mysterious fears. And I have asked them to try thinking back, try to find out if some event in their childhood could be connected to it. Almost all such fears that we experience now can be connected to some such situation we went through as a child. So, in case you have wondered why you’re so scared of something, try to think back into your childhood. The answer might lie there! Now, that reminds me…what could possibly be the reason for my unnatural fear of cockroaches/spiders/creepy-crawly creatures??? 🙂

Photography by Martin Vincent

So, do you have any such unexplained fears? And have you realized what could be the reason for it?

The Outset of the New Year – an Extraordinary Experience :)

1st January, 2012 was one of the best and most memorable days of my life. I was with my cousin…and we had this New Year party (we meaning: me, my sister, 2 of my cousins, a common friend, my cousin’s friend and a friend of that friend). I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I did. But… damn! It was mind-blowing. I loved it!

I have never experienced something so out of my senses. But I totally enjoyed it. It was past 4am when all of us hit the bed. Even then, I wasn’t sleepy. And so…I had one of the best, most beautiful mornings EVER! Since I wasn’t sleepy, my cousin’s friend and I went to sit outside on the terrace area. Even though I had heard a lot about him from my cousin and we had been introduced briefly once before, that night was the first

Dawning of a New Year...

time we were meeting each other properly. I did not know anything much about him. But there I was, during the early hours of the morning, just as dawn began lighting up, sitting with him and talking incessantly. I loved the calm silence around us, as we spoke. We talked about completely inconsequential stuff like our favourite colours as well as serious stuff like love and friendship. What I loved most about the conversation we had was the ease with which we were moving from one topic to the other. And to be honest, I have never felt so comfortable with a person who is practically a stranger. But with this guy, I was not just comfortable…I felt I could connect to him, in some ways. We talked so easily, joked, laughed… Even the occasional silences felt good.

Sometimes, you cannot explain or describe certain experiences. They should just be cherished and lovingly tucked away into a special place in your mind. The experience I had was of that kind. I cannot explain it…I felt a kind of connection with this stranger, I felt completely at ease. Sometimes, you connect to people in really strange ways. With him, I felt like he has something of me in him. Does it make sense? I have no clue! But not everything in life makes sense, does it? The time I spent with him will always be one of the fondest memories in my life. I wanted it to go on forever, but like always, it had to end. Now, when I think about it, I find myself wondering if it actually happened. It seems almost magical. I don’t expect another experience of that sort, with anyone. And I don’t know if I will see that guy again, let alone if he will ever be someone of significance for me (although I would like that :)). Maybe yes, maybe no. But he will always be part of a most beautiful experience I had. I don’t know if it makes sense to everyone out there. Not that I expect it to, you know. But sitting with a stranger on New Year (early) morning and talking to him like I have known him for ages is the kind of thing I would call a true experience.

If you ask me how my New Year was, I would say it was awesome! It started off with this very wonderful experience…and a kind of enlightenment. I came out of 2011, strengthened and rejuvenated. Something has changed in me…not in an evident way, outwardly…I may not be behaving differently or anything but my perceptions have changed. And it has also led me to take some firm decisions. I can feel it so distinctly…that something has changed within, something that might seem imperceptible but is very much significant, for me, at least. In fact, I feel like something has fallen into place, like a missing piece has been found or something (Finally!). I feel like I’m starting anew, as a new person, in many ways. I guess 2012 will surely be a pretty remarkable year, since it has started off on a good note! 🙂 HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you!!!! So, how was the outset of New Year for you?

Crazy Times + Happiness = Blissful Hangover :D

This was written on 21st December, 2011 (yesterday) at around 11:15pm, to be posted the next day (ie, today).

I have just had a wonderful, awesome ending to a tiring day! During Lunch break and after class (at college), I had been running from class to the Lab, then to the Library, then to the Lab, so on and so forth, climbing up and down god-knows-how-many staircases. It was 8pm when I got to leave from college. I had stayed back so that I could sit and mail my friends (or chat with them) in peace (since very few students stay back after 6).

I was dreading the thought of getting back to hostel because tonight (yesternight, that is) was our Christmas celebration at hostel and I was in no mood for any kind of celebration except perhaps that of deep slumber! 🙂 So, I dragged myself back to hostel, took a quick shower, had a very filling dinner and went to watch the stuff others had put together as part of the programme.  There were a couple of games, which were hilarious and I found myself enjoying it more than I had expected to. Halfway through it, I felt I was being infused with more and more enthusiasm. After all the programmes, we had a blast! We went outside and played with crackers, watched fireworks… I was more into the ‘jumping around and having fun with friends’ part rather than the ‘show’. And then, we got back in. It was dance time!! Dance time at our hostel means the warden lets us have songs played at high volume while we dance or just have fun (I know that sounds cool, but it happens only once in a blue moon and so, we take advantage of it whenever it happens). I usually don’t feel energetic enough to join the dance since I mostly get drained by then. Yeah, I can get really tired and worn out, especially if I’m in no mood for what’s happening. But today was, well…different, although I think that’s more of an understatement.

Whoever handled the music section did a really good job. They played all my fav songs, exactly the ones we wanted…and with each song, I seemed to go crazier and wilder. My friends noted it, too. I haven’t danced so madly since a long time… It’s not always that I do this – dance like I don’t care about anything else, not about what crap I’m doing, not about how many are staring… Man! Did I dance! We were, all of us, jumping around, yelling and screaming like hell. It was so damn crazy, but seriously fun! I did get tired, I won’t lie…but somehow, I did NOT want to stop. I just didn’t have the heart to stop… I didn’t want to waste a single second of this precious night. But like all good things, it did come to an end…and much too soon, at that. One thing I loved was that even Anju, who mostly stays away from stuff like this, danced with us crazy girls. When I got back to the room, I was worn out to the bone and so out of breath…but very happy. In fact, bursting with it. I had enjoyed tonight, dancing and screaming and laughing like there was no tomorrow (all this when I had ‘issues’). And I’m still hungover…so much like drunk on the fun. Once I got back my breath and calmed down, I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that I knew I wanted to write about this. Yeah, I know it might not seem like much, but considering the place, the people and the college (not to mention the rules) I believe it’s incredible that I got a night like this. Craziest Christmas celebration ever!

Whew!!! Tomorrow, I will be sleeping in class, in preparation for the Christmas celebration at college in the evening. I’m so not looking forward to going home!

Now: I’m in the Library, bunking the third hour of class… I didn’t sleep in class. I was surprisingly refreshed and so rejuvenated when I woke up today morning…which isn’t a favourable condition for sleeping in class. But since I was longing to write this out, I bunked the third hour. 🙂 Looking forward to the celebration today evening, though I hear it’s not going to be all that great (not as much as I expect it to be, that is!). 😀 How are your celebrations and preparations going on?? 🙂