In the Wake of the Void…

People keep coming into your life. It’s all part of the ride. But then, meetings inevitably lead to partings. And, you know what’s the worst part (atleast, for me) when a person leaves, be it for the time being or for good? The void they leave behind…that inescapable hollow feeling when you sense the empty space in your life that they once occupied. As much as I love being with dear ones, I hate having to confront this void.

As mentioned in the previous post, my sister was here for a few days. She left on Saturday. And I was left face-to-face with a gaping hole that was the remnant of her presence here with me. Coming back to the room, knowing I was going to be by myself all over again…it was hell! Next day, I couldn’t bring myself to go out because I knew I would be reminded of all the times we had passed by those paths in the past few days. So, I stayed in.

Later, sometime at night, I had a talk with Kiran. I was surprised when she mentioned something along the same lines. She said that the worst part about people stepping out of your life was the memories they left behind. All you have to remember them by are those memories. My youngest sister, Ann, also said something similar – “The pain will be there as long as you are surrounded by stuff that reminds you of them.”

I might get over this situation in a couple of days. But it led me to think of all the friends I miss or have lost contact with…friends who have left a void and faded off, the intensity of it diminishing with each passing day yet refusing to disappear completely. And I felt a little lost. Disoriented would be a better word, I suppose. Take a moment and think of every single person who has moved out of your life, whom you miss in your own ways…and you might understandMemories what I’m talking about. Isn’t it disconcerting when you ponder over how much everything has changed, right from the person you are to the people in your life? That’s precisely what I felt when I had this train of thought yesterday.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I miss my sister. I miss some of the people who had been with me at different points in life. Nevertheless, I guess I’ve learnt to live with this emotion and all that it entails (writing helps immensely!).

Considering it’s the end of the year, I thought it would be the right time to put out this post. For everyone who has been/is part of my life, thank you for leaving me with a treasure trove of memories. I miss you in my own way. 🙂

 

[ P.S: For all the assholes who were in my life, the above message isn’t applicable to you. But yeah, thank you..for all the lessons I learnt, the hard way…for being the reason I could recognize your kind, later in life. You’re lucky I’m stopping at that. ]

This and That… – Basically, Thoughts

It was Onam yesterday, and I got two days off from work. Since I’m away from home, it was mostly like any other day, nothing special. When I spoke to dad, he asked

English: Pookalam during Onam days in Irinjala...

me what was happening for Onam and I had nothing to tell him. Because there’s nothing happening over here. And that made me think. All these religious or cultural festivals mean nothing to me. I get a holiday, which is great. And…well, that’s it. I haven’t felt an attachment to any of them that would make it special for me. And why? Because it was always the presence of my family that made any day significant for me.

Christmas is my favourite festival and time of the year. Now, when I try to understand why, I don’t have an answer. I’m not religious, I don’t attach any significance to the beliefs or practices behind Christmas. But it is special, nevertheless. Very much so. Because it was always special for my family. They made it different for me. Their enthusiasm, interest and spirited approach to the festival is my most vivid memory connected to it. Which is probably why it has always been so exceptional for me.

Over here, so far away from my family, all these special days have lost their charm, for me. They don’t mean anything to me, except a lot of dear memories. There are so many other aspects or elements in life that have significance for you only (or mostly) because of what it means to your loved ones.

Tuesday was an awesome day! For the first time ever, I went clothes-shopping by myself. I’m not a fan of shopping. I don’t enjoy shopping, especially by myself, and especially for clothes (none of this is applicable when it comes to books). It was an impulsive decision. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. When I got back, there was nobody at home. I can’t tell you how super-happy I was. I got some quality time for myself, after so long. I didn’t know how much I had missed spending time by myself, with absolutely no one around. I used to get enough and more of it, while at home. But over here, getting some time all for yourself is like a treasure. So, I made most of the two hours or so I had. I shouted (shouting has a liberating effect, for me), sang out loud, danced around, talked to myself, spent sometime looking outside, sipping coffee… And, had 2 delightful hours by myself. 2 hours that gave me an enlightening thought – I’m at a most beautiful point in life, a phase that I had longed for. And I’m truly enjoying it. The past 2 days have proved, with all the more emphasis, that life does give you what you want/ask for.

And I would run away…

Have you ever felt the need to just run away? Run away from the place you’re in right now, the situation… Actually, not run away from anything. Just run away. Take a break, a deep breath, just not let anyone know…go away to some random place. You get the idea (don’t you?)! So, have you ever felt an urge to do it? It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. No, nothing bad happening. Just that I’m not very happy with some situations and am kinda fed up. The thought of running away to some far-off place with nobody bothering me, nothing to worry about is extremely tempting.

To be honest, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of running away. When I have nothing else to think about, I sit and think up possible plans for survival if (and when) I run away. My family’s never given me a reason to do it yet (luckily!). So, I decided that a reason wasn’t necessary. Today morning, I was seriously considering the idea. And that led me to think why I want to do it, in the first place. Well, you know what? I think it must be the sheer sense of freedom that it gives me. The knowledge that I can just let go of everything and go off somewhere, that I can just disappear one day. Knowing that I can be completely free.

Wondering why it’s necessary to run away to be completely free? Because, right now, I can’t really do what I want. Not always. I might have to keep my mouth shut so that I don’t lose my job, I might have to hold back something so that I don’t hurt some people… Doing what I want isn’t as easy as it sounds. So, loving the idea of running away should come as no surprise! I might not take off today, probably not tomorrow or the day after…but, hopefully, soon (Am I glad my parents aren’t reading this!).

Day One…

So, so, so… I never thought I’d actually be saying this so soon. But I’m working/employed. 🙂 Today was my first day at work. I moved to my new ‘home’ last night. It was fun! I had to come here all by myself, finding the way somehow. Apart from me, there are 5 other girls staying here, all of them elder to me but just by a couple of years or so. And I found someone who matches my wavelength to a great extent. Her name’s Nancy. All the girls are friendly but it’s going to take some time for me to feel ‘at home’ over here.

Anyway, today was my first day at my first work. The workplace is within walking distance from my PG (Paying Guest) home. Nancy works in the same area; so, I had company to walk to work. It wasn’t as pleasant as I wanted it to be. Because it started raining and I got kinda wet. Anyway, that definitely didn’t dampen my spirits. 🙂 I reached the office well ahead of time. After the initial intro-talk, I was assigned to a senior. She turned out to be a super-sweet person and made me feel so much at ease. I was introduced to everyone in the office; a couple of them spoke to me.

I liked my first day, even though it was kinda tiring and a tiny bit boring. Everyone around me ran around, busy with stuff to do, while I sat there with absolutely no idea of what to do! 🙂 And even they didn’t know what work to give me ,since I didn’t know anything in depth. For today, I just got some basic, boring work to do…just stuff to help me get an idea of what lies ahead. 🙂 In short, I liked it. Let’s see what Day 2 holds in store!

It gets a little intimidating, at times, since I’m the youngest over here. I’m trying my best to grasp what I’m supposed to do. I guess it will take some time. Right now, I feel like I’m in some other world. So away from family…basically, away from anyone I know, leading a completely different life from the one I’ve had till now. And trying to be happy with it! 🙂

Blah Blah from the Whirlwind Zone

The past few days have been something like a whirlwind. Now, when I look back, all of it seems to have blended together and I’ve lost track of what happened when. I don’t seem to have time for anything, but ask me what I’m busy with and I have no answer to that! This place (the whole locality, not just my home) does not have life, especially not when you’re away from people you love. So, being busy helps me take my mind off other (read: depressing) thoughts.

Over the past few days, I’ve had some experiences revolving around friendship. A recent friend of mine – someone whom I know through chats and mails for the past two months or so – chose to be completely honest with me. It was unexpected because he is a stranger and I’d never have found out the truth. And, to be frank, it wouldn’t have mattered much even if he hadn’t told me. But he did. And I loved him for that. That shows how much he respected our friendship.

Another person who was supposedly something akin to a best friend did something that I wouldn’t even dream of doing to a best

BFFs 🙂

friend. Again showing the person’s respect for our friendship. And the third incident…I got a new friend, through another awesome friend of mine. From what I’ve felt so far, we seem to be connecting very well. I was feeling kinda low when we spoke today (I didn’t tell him that, though). Anyway, talking to him distracted me enough to make me laugh and feel better. 🙂 It takes time to identify good friends…and don’t even ask about true friends. Those are rare species!

I was chatting with Ann today. I miss her so much, I miss our stupidities, crazy times, silly fights, everything. As if to add to my despair, almost everything around me reminds me of home. Right when I’m trying to forget. In the past one week, today was the first time I truly & seriously wished that I hadn’t come back, that I hadn’t left home. Not just because I miss Ann. There’s a lot more to it. But then, how would I get to experience something new if I stayed in the comfort zone of my home sweet home? How else would I know what it feels like to be part of a whirlwind (job-hunting, home-hunting, blah blah)? Atleast, that’s what I tell to console myself. 🙂

[While thinking of a suitable title, I connected my habit of rambling and the whirlwind I’m in…and TADAAA! I got a crazy, stupid title! Please excuse the absurdity for now, this was the best I could come up with!]

Miss Me While I’m Gone…

By this time tomorrow, I’ll be in a different country…and when I say different, I mean different in every possible way. As different as heaven and hell, if you ask me. And the funniest part – that is supposedly my homeplace! I know this (leaving) is completely my decision and nobody else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling sad. Nothing will, in fact.

I know I haven’t posted anything during the past few days. Well, I’ve been shopping, trying to spend time with Ann, packing, blah blah. I must have opened up the ‘add new post’ page atleast twice each day…but never felt like writing anything. And, even if I had, I’m positive it wouldn’t have been worth publishing. I hate lamenting in public (all those depressing, emo status updates in Facebook? I HATE THEM!). I didn’t want to end up doing something I hate.

Time to leave, I suppose…

So, I’m leaving tonight…will reach God’s Own Country by early morning. I don’t know how long I’ll have before I leave to Bangalore. But I have a lot of travelling to do before that. I’ll probably have to meet Merlin on Wednesday, go to college to get some certificates and stuff, meet up some friends, so on. I’m glad I’ll have enough to keep me distracted. I wouldn’t want too much time by myself, I know I’ll be reminded of the fact that I’m away from home.

I have no clue when I’ll be posting next. It will take some time. So, while I’m away trying to settle down into a new phase in life, do bear with my silences and occasional laments. I’m going to miss this space, just as much as I’ll miss home. I’ll try my best to be back soon. Wish me good luck. And, most importantly…Miss me! 🙂

Sometimes Parents Choose NOT To Talk…

When I opened up this page to type out a new post, I had a completely different topic in mind. I was dying to write about it. But then, there were some random blogs I had stumbled upon and thought I’d read them before writing the post. And while reading one such post, I was moved so much that I wanted to write about it right away!

The post I read – When A Mommy and Daddy Love Each Other Very Much – is by a journalism major, which is why I was drawn to the blog, in the first place (I have a thing for journalism, you see!). And when I read this post, I realized that I could relate to what she was talking about…they were so similar to what I felt regarding the issue. And the issue I’m talking about is sex/sex-education.

I DO NOT understand why sex is a taboo topic even now! Particularly, in a family (with special reference to Indian families)! When a kid enters teen/adolescent years or attains puberty, it is natural to be curious about sex. All of us have gone through the same phase. So, why do parents reproach kids for raising sex-related questions? Why are kids forbidden from talking out loud about it?

Frankly, I think parents and teachers are responsible for educating their children/students on sex. Because how much ever they try to deny or ignore it, sex is a part of our lives, part of our basic instincts. And kids, as part of growing up, can have a lot of wrong concepts about it…not to mention, a hell lot of curiosity! I knew a grown-up girl who actually believed kissing could get her pregnant…and trust me when I say I’ve heard worse! I don’t get it. Who else should be telling them the right concepts…their friends? Well, not that friends can’t do it right! Because it wasn’t from my parents or teachers or any elder that I learnt about it! Even though I’m no parent or authority on the subject, I’m doing what I can so that others don’t end up in the same situation. For instance, since I know my mom won’t be having this talk with my little sister, I do it. And she has complete freedom to ask me anything she wants to know. I might not know it all in entirety but atleast, I’m able to tell her what she needs to know!

It’s high time that parents and teachers tried to impart the necessary knowledge related to sex, particularly the need for safe sex, to teenagers. Because they need it. And it is, after all, your responsibility to guide them on the right path. And, NO, just sending them to school doesn’t ensure they are on the right path. The subjects they study at school aren’t helpful enough to prevent one of them from ending up with an unintentional pregnancy! Instead of letting them get all the wrong ideas and end up in trouble, take it on yourself to  give them the right kind of information. If you find it difficult to talk about, you could try asking someone else to talk to them, preferably someone the child is comfortable with. Or you could even try providing them with some useful books. Do what you can, in your own way. Don’t give yourself any opportunities to regret, later in life. I’m sure your child will thank you for it…maybe not right now, but, someday eventually, for sure! 🙂