Missing Bloggers

You put in so much of your time and effort into something that means nothing but boring work to you, and instead of a word of appreciation, all you get is rebuke! Sounds familiar? Well, I’m going through a similar situation at college and it’s frustrating. It has been going on for so long that I feel sick just thinking of the whole episode. This entire month has been depressing to the extreme. Big-time-BAD start to 2015, I say! I hope things get better soon! *Fingers crossed*

Anyway, my Facebook page tells me I haven’t posted in 11 days. I thought it was time I did something about that. And, here I am!

Sometime last month, I read a post by my blogger-friend, Manu Kurup, saying he intended to stop blogging. He said it would be his last post. And, sure enough, it was. He has deleted his site. He might have had his own reasons, although I don’t know what they were. Nevertheless, his post came as nothing less than a shock to me.

I don’t remember how I stumbled onto his blog but, well, someday, I did. I wasn’t a regular reader but I made it a point to catch up on his posts whenever possible. His writing style and thoughts were what I loved the most. We might have been strangers, on a personal level. But there is something very intimate and special about a person’s writing, reading what someone else has written. It’s kind of like getting a glimpse of their mind, a reflection of their perceptions. Perhaps, that is why I feel/felt a sense of belonging with all my fellow bloggers, including Manu.

When I read his final post, I was gripped by an emotion that I can only describe as “loss”. Something akin to what I’d feel if I were meeting a friend for the last time. While I do miss his blogposts, the experience opened my eyes to a fact I had never bothered to look at. Just like we take people for granted in life, I’ve been stupid enough to think that my readers and fellow bloggers will always remain the same. I never considered the possibility that they could also leave or fade off. Now that I’ve (almost) resumed regular blogging, I notice the absence of many blogger-friends who used to comment and support me. And I miss them all!

Anyhow, for those who have still hung around, this is a confession-plus-apology of sorts, to let you know I’ll try not to repeat the mistake! Keep hanging around! 🙂

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Of Palms, Feet & Spaces

Yesterday, I went out with my housemate, her brother and my sister (Janet). It was tiring, but enlightening in some ways. We went to this book fair, spent time checking out books… It’s always bliss to have books all around me! We had lunch, roamed around a bit, blah blah. It was past 5pm or so when we got back home. Completely drained and dead tired.

The enlightenment was more like an insight into myself. While travelling in the bus, on the way to some part of the city, I realized that I have a kind of claustrophobia. It’s not that I’m always afraid of all closed/cramped/tight places. For instance, I’m not at all uncomfortable while using an elevator. But then, sometimes, when I see walls all around me or can’t see beyond to an open space, I feel this rush of anxiety, a weird sense of suffocation. I was surprised when it struck me; I had never noticed it until now.

How I came to realize this fact about myself – While the bus was passing by a building, the wall was visible right outside the window (to my right). I could just reach out and feel its rough surface. And when I looked to my left, there were people crowding around, and I couldn’t see beyond the wall of human bodies. I felt like I’d begin to suffocate…a clutch of panic in my mind. That was when I understood that I’m claustrophobic, to some extent.

Another enlightenment I had was in the book fair, when I chanced upon a certain book. During the past couple of days, I’ve been talking, reading and thinking a lot about certain unconventional fields of study – astrology, palmistry. What drew me to them is the fact that they combine science (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE) and ethereal, metaphysical elements (which I find intriguing).

At the book fair, yesterday, I saw this book – The Complete Illustrated Guide to Palmistry. I flipped through it, stopping for longer on some pages; the images, texts and concepts all jumping out at my inquisitive mind. Apart from the fact that it was detailed, illustrated and written in an interesting way, I loved the book because of the sheer curiosity it awakened in me. Anyone who saw me could have seen the unmasked excitement on my face!

I’m sure my face must have looked even more animated when I found another book below the palmistry one – The Complete Illustrated Guide to Reflexology. I have always liked the concept of reflexology but didn’t know anything much about it. Beyond the basics, that is. So, seeing the book, I went through it, trying to get a deeper idea of a topic I like. And, I was surprised to find myself going on turning pages, falling in love with the book. I loved the illustrations, explaining how to massage, where and how to apply pressure at the right points for the right reasons.

When I moved towards my sister and away from the book, I felt this longing, pulling me back… I had fallen in love with the book. I had discovered interest and zeal for something so unexpected. And I knew I wanted to learn, know more about it.. So, I’ve been trying to get more information on the subject, checking out possible courses, blah blah. And I couldn’t help sharing it with y’all. 🙂

As far as work is concerned, the bad phase is slowly starting to brighten up. I just completed my first major event, quite successfully. More on that later! I’m still demotivated, more or less, but I’m sure that will pass. Janet is here for a couple of weeks, so it feels really good. I’ve become aware of the presence of an awesome friend. I’ve been having a lot of chocolate. 🙂 Seems like good times are just around the corner.

The Lemons Life Gave Me

They say life gives you what you want (it might give you lemons, if that’s what you want). I wonder who said that. Because he seems to have said it right.

A week ago, I was depressed because I was homesick, lonely and yearned to see a familiar face. And now, for the past few days, I have been spending time with or running into some familiar faces. Also, I’ve found an awesome friend in someone who has a very familiar face.

I met up with Merlin on Saturday, after 1 month of silence. It was a very special experience for both of us. I stayed over at her place for the night. We talked until around 2am or so, caught up with each other’s lives. When I woke up in the morning, it almost felt like I was back in hostel. I had never thought I would be meeting Merlin, atleast not in the way it actually happened. I’m glad we did, though. We got to spend some really good time with each other. She is about to embark on a very significant journey in life, a totally new phase. And I’m glad I was there with her before she left.

There are very few people with whom you can trust yourself. I realized it in full force, once I started living by myself. I had to be careful about who I chose to trust, about divulging personal information… After all this, it’s a complete relief to be with someone you can trust, with whom you can be yourself and say all the nonsense you want to. I spent (almost) the whole of Monday with someone who fits this description perfectly! I was truly happy and enjoyed the time we spent. Maybe I was meant  to go through that period of loneliness, or I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate the happiness I felt yesterday. I had an absolutely awesome time. We talked a lot, had some food, walked around, fooled around a bit, laughed…basically, made most of the time we had.

Yesterday, on my way back from work, I saw a guy who was my senior in college. Both of us recognized each other even though we hadn’t spoken during the 3 years of college. So, life’s giving me what I want, more or less. I got to meet some well-known faces.  I have a handful of friends who genuinely care about me. During the past one week, I’ve also got closer to someone who is so scarily similar to me. I enjoy and love his presence in my life. I wonder what I should ask for next! 🙂

So, do you think life gives/has given you what you want? 

Someone And Me

 

I always have weird moments of revelation. Like, one moment of sudden clarity and I see something I’ve been overlooking.

I came across (more like stumbled across) someone. I don’t want to say someone ‘special’ because that would be so cliché. Special is no longer very special, I guess. So, like I said, I’ve come across someone. Someone I knew for a long time. I used to see this person on a daily basis (or so), once upon a time. And the first time we communicated was two weeks ago. It’s super weird. But life has its own ways of bringing people together, when the time is right.

So, this someone and I have been exchanging mails; started chatting recently. And we have realized how similar our interests and thoughts are. Our conversations are unique, amusing. We talk about thoughts, beliefs, experiences… We share bits of new information, send each other interesting links and songs. And he introduced me to two awesome sites! One of them is 8tracks.com and I’m already in love with it. 

So, what drove me to write this post? I was wondering what to blog about, while listening to songs (in the above mentioned site) and reading a post (the ‘someone’ shared the link to the post – What others leave for you to keep). It talks about relationships, the role people play in our lives. And it struck me – all that I was doing was somehow connected to this someone. The song, the article, the thought. And I knew I should be blogging about this.

About how people come into your life. And leave, someday, sooner or later. When they leave, you retain a bit of them; you know they have changed your life. Sometimes, when someone steps into your life, you know they are bound to leave. Yet you let them become a seamless part of your days. You make it difficult for yourself to let go, to let them leave.

I’ve made some new friends. And the best one (among them) has chosen to leave, already. We no longer have awesome conversations or share experiences. The friendship we had has come down to occasional smiles and random greetings, sometimes extending into a “How are you?” I can’t explain how it happened, but it did. Perhaps, the person was meant to leave, and all I can do is let go. Let go of a person who has touched me in ways beyond comprehension. But then, when you think about it…maybe people leave to make way for others to enter your life.

I don’t know when this ‘someone’ will step out of my life. For now, I love the bond we share. The links. The words. The music. The thoughts.

Sunny, ‘Sappy’ Thoughts

During the past one week, I have had a lot of thoughts in my head. But, each day, by the time I think of blogging, I would be so tired and the thought of my bed would be super-tempting! I’ve been longing to write out all those thoughts. Which is the reason I’m typing this right now!

I had a very thought-provoking conversation with Kiran sometime last week. I don’t remember why she asked me this question, but while talking about something, she asked me, “How many sunrises have you seen?” And I was taken aback. I’ve been alive for over two decades…and the sunrises I have seen would hardly be above 3 or 4. Even though we moved on to another topic, I was stuck with that thought. I felt like I’m wasting my life…like, whatever I’m doing right now is inconsequential. I couldn’t move beyond this thought in my head – “What the fuck am I doing with my life?”

“With each sunrise, we start anew”

When I spoke it out with Kiran, she came up with another awesome line (she always does that, her lines are brilliant!) – “Rosh, do you want to get used to the sunrise? Do you want it to be as normal and mundane as, say, brushing your teeth?” Whoa! And there, she put it into a whole new perspective!

Almost always, we forget to see the beauty around us. But, perhaps, forgetting to see it is a good thing. Like Kiran said, you wouldn’t want to turn the beauty into something normal, something that’s part of your daily routine. Because, experiences like watching the sunrise should never ever come anywhere under the head of ‘routine’. If that happened, we would be left with nothing to awe us, nothing to remind us of the incredible ways of the Universe.

Another beautiful line by Kiran – “It’s not about how many sunrises you have seen, it’s about whether (and how much)  you appreciate the sunrises you have seen.” I’m in love with that line, the thought. Another reason why I adore Kiran. She is the only person to whom I can say all these crazy thoughts, and be perfectly understood!

Another thought-provoking instance that happened a few weeks ago. At work. One of my colleagues had been away during the day and when he returned, I asked him how his day had been. He replied that it had been bad, I asked why and he replied, “I didn’t learn anything new.” Damn! And what had I learnt? How to while away my time googling? I felt like he had knocked me on the head, probably letting loose some of the good sense in there. Not that I have been learning something new each day since then. But I try. At the end of the day, I try to figure out what new piece of knowledge I learnt. Most of the time, the response is (guilty) silence.

But there are days when I do have a response. Like, recently, when I learnt the word ‘sapiosexual’. And the learning brought along a lot of realizations. I became aware that I have a sapiosexual crush on someone I got to know recently (no sexual attraction involved, though). Today, I was telling Kiran about it. She admitted that even she would come under the same category. And that was when I realized something else. I’m attracted to Kiran, in the same way. I’m serious. After our chat, while going over what we had talked, it just leapt out at me. I’m attracted to her, because of her intelligence, the way she is, the person she is, and a lot more. It’s not sexual; emotional, to an extent (she is my best friend, after all). But the basic & primary reason, I suppose, would be intelligence.

Anyway, tomorrow (actually, today) is a public holiday and I’m planning to have an awesome time at home. Read, watch some movies, sleep, relax. Unwind. Oh…and, blog!

When the going gets tough…

 

 

After a lot of typing and hitting the backspace, this is my third attempt at coming up with something that is not depressing. No, today was not depressing. But I’m getting bothered by certain minor issues, which would not have happened if I had found a good friend out here. I miss sitting down and talking to someone (like a specific someone), just letting out my emotions, frustrations and everything…so that I can get it all off my mind and have new experiences. Right now, I’m trying to create the void, the empty space which I could fill up with new memories and experiences. I seem to be failing very badly. Loneliness is a bitch, I tell you. Yesterday, while walking back from my workplace, I was so intensely reminded that I have nowhere else to go (except work and home)…more than that, I was painfully reminded that I have no one I can be with. I mean, I don’t have a close friend with whom I can make after-work plans, spend time with, talk to, laugh with; a person I can always turn to.

Do you see what I meant by the first line? I don’t want to sound helplessly depressed. So, moving on…last night, I had an awesome experience. I was up whole night, talking to one of my house-mates. She is leaving in a couple of days. So, we were just having some coffee and talking. After a while, when it began raining, both of us sneaked out of the house, went up onto the terrace and stood there for some time. We talked, watched the sky, thought about our lives, got lost in our own worlds and shared the same awe and fascination as we looked up at the moon, the clouds, the stars. At that moment, I felt an inexplicable connection with her. Connection, and a pain when I realized she wouldn’t be with me, after a couple of days.

Everyone’s busy with their lives, caught up in their own joys, sorrows and problems. But experiences like this literally pull you out of your little bubble. And you open your eyes to what you’re missing.

We (my housemate and I) were up until almost 4:30 am, talking, spending time. I loved being with her. And wished she didn’t have to go. But, sometimes, letting go is the only way you can get something for yourself, only way to realize how much it means to you. Doesn’t make sense? I think I should go back to my nonsense and crap. Atleast that way, you’d know there is no point in trying to make sense of it. 🙂

 

 

Strangers Breed Homesickness

Most of my friends were really happy after reading the previous post. Maybe I should write more of those – happy, chirpy posts.

Just now, while chatting with Ann, she asked me why I wasn’t posting anything. I told her I didn’t know what to write and I didn’t want to post nonsense. She, being far cleverer than me, pointed out that our mind is never devoid of thoughts, that all I had to do was pick one, write about it. And then, it struck me – she is right! There are such a lot of thoughts in my head. Now, when I sat down to blog, all the thoughts came rushing into my mind. And I don’t know what to write about.

Ann was telling me about how I used to post everyday, once upon a time…and how she used to love it. Well, I miss those times, too. Those were times when I used to stay back at the college lab until 8pm just so that I could blog in peace. Times when I couldn’t go a single day without blogging (which was kinda bad on you readers, since you had to read all the bullshit I came up with).

I think I’ve gone down a notch in terms of confidence, because you need a hell lot of confidence to write shit and publish it for the whole world to see. And now, when I think of doing that, I hear this voice in my head pulling me back, telling me I should not do anything that could make my readers hate me. You know what? I’m done listening to the stupid voice. Because, more than pleasing readers, I’m here to write, find happiness in it and just be myself. So, I took a decision. I’m not going to try too hard to please anyone, I’m just going to write/blog and be happy. Makes sense, right?  🙂

There are times when I miss college very badly. More than the place, I miss the experience of having familiar faces all around. I knew people, they knew me. There’s a certain sense of comfort when you’re surrounded by people you know, finding some familiar faces everywhere. Like there’s always someone or the other you can go to, you are not alone (unless you want to be). That’s something I miss about college.

Over here, I see so many strangers while walking to and from work. I meet so many strangers at work. Strangers I’m getting closer to. But strangers, nonetheless. And it gets really distressing, sometimes. You don’t know if you can open up, trust or be yourself with someone. After a certain point, you get tired of being careful, and wish you could let your guard down. You long to see a face you know, a face that would beam with recognition on seeing you. I’m going through that phase right now. The initial excitement of being at a new place, meeting new people and all that has subsided (begun to, actually), giving way to the homesickness that I had been ignoring all this while.

I miss people, being around people I know. I miss my family. I miss places, knowing where to go, seeing familiar places & spots. I know it will pass. Until then, I just have to deal with it. 🙂

Have you ever experienced anything of this sort? If yes, how did you get over it?