Recurrent (& Insane) Thoughts

I know the sudden disappearing came without warning. But, it was unintended, which is why I never got to warn. 🙂

Anyway, I’m back. I have had an awesome bunch of 5 days at Merlin’s place. It was seriously like a second home. I felt so comfortable and at home. We didn’t exactly do anything much except talk, sleep and talk a lot more. There was one time when we went on talking, late into the night and slept off by 4am or so. Apart from all that, these few days have also brought us closer in a very special way. We got to know a lot more about each other… And guess what? Remember the problems I mentioned about in my previous post? All the worries about not having time and stuff? It’s all solved! I’m so relieved! Just hope nothing new comes up to bring back my worries. 🙂

These past few days haven’t been eventful in the general sense. But, emotionally, they have been truly remarkable. So much has been happening with me…and I’ve been thinking like hell. Thinking A LOT!! And realizing a lot, too; thanks, partly, to Merlin. I’ve been reanalyzing the way I feel for some persons, how I had taken it on until now, so many such thoughts. Not just about people or emotions, but also about future, life and a lot more.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

I’ve been thinking about where I’ll end up. That happens to be something I have always wondered about…yet can’t come up with a satisfying enough possibility in reply. Recently, one of my teachers mailed me saying (among other things) he is waiting for the day when he will see me in a good position, one that I deserve, befitting my talents and abilities. I was touched. But confused. Because I don’t exactly know what position I should end up in. There is so much that I want to do, so I don’t really know what I’d like to end up as. A writer? Yes! A psychologist? Sure (I guess I have never mentioned it but I’ve always loved psychology and wanted to do a lot in it)!! Basically, if you ask me, what I want most is to be someone who has contributed substantially (in my own way) to the world…someone who has made a difference in people’s lives, touched them in some way…someone who has done her part in making the world a happier place. That’s what I want, ultimately. Though, I wonder what kinda ‘position’ that would make me end up in. 🙂

I’ve always loved the thought of having a cause to live for, work for and maybe, fight for. It could be anything. In normal life, I guess it would be something like a particular assignment, some specific work, a project to be completed, anything. I’ve noticed that once I get a particular task to be completed, I put myself into it, fully. My thoughts and efforts seem to be concentrated solely on that task, and I never seem to stray until I complete it properly. That’s exactly what happened with the Class Exhibition thing, last month. But I’m talking about having a cause that’s far higher, beyond trivial tasks and stuff. Like, for instance, I’m fascinated by the lives people must have led during the freedom fighting times. Be it anywhere. Since I’ve learnt specifically about the whole Indian freedom fighting era, I guess I’ll be referring to it. For people of those times, everything they did must have revolved around the concept of attaining freedom. Their lives must have been completely devoted to the cause of freedom…not just for themselves, but for all. Their work, efforts, thoughts, everything was focused on this cause. All of them must have tried to contribute to it, even if it were in a small way. In the end, when the goal was achieved, each Indian must have had the happiness of knowing that they had done their part in this achievement, that it had been their cause, too, however indirectly it may have been.

I’ve always been in love with that thought. The thought of having a cause as strong as that…something that I could focus on, work for and live for. I guess it’s quite impractical in the present world…but, you never know. Or maybe, I could create something of my own to work for. Anyway, this was one thought that kept coming back to mind during the last couple of days.

So, tell me one (or two) recurrent thought(s) that’s been in your mind for the past few days. It can be absolutely anything!

A Dose of Random Nonsense

This year is going to be phenomenal. Everyone’s been asking me what I’ll be doing next (after college) and I keep giving the same vague reply of job, work, blah blah. To be honest, I don’t know how things will turn out to be. Even though I’m looking forward to this new phase, it does get a little scary, at times. When I think of where I will be, some 5 months from now, all I come up with is a hazy picture with no clear idea! Mom keeps bugging me with questions of what I’m planning to do, she doesn’t seem to be placated by my vague response about work and stuff. Typical of moms, I guess. I’m so glad Dad is giving me the space and freedom I need right now. He is fine with whatever decision I take, as long as I’m sure about it. And I love him for that. I adore him for giving me the liberty to choose what I want to do, for acknowledging that I’m capable enough to decide what I want in life. 🙂 Sometimes, that is all you need…your dear ones to trust you with your decisions and life. Though, I don’t know how Dad will react to the decision of colouring my hair in some crazy shades. 🙂

Last day, I was talking to Merlin about all the many things we don’t know about – the universe, its workings, natural phenomena, origins, history, … (well, you get the idea!). I have been studying for the past 17 years and I still have such a GREAT lot to learn. There’s so much I don’t know. Doesn’t it kinda amaze you and leave you in awe? I feel that way every time I think about what I don’t know. When I consider the unknown, what I know pales in comparison! I was always into knowing more; learning, rather than studying. And over these years, I’ve noticed that even though I may have forgotten all that I studied at school and college, I still remember all the odd facts that I’ve accumulated in my head. In fact, I’m still picking up such odd bits of information, every now and then. 🙂 Kinda makes you wonder why you bothered studying at all!!

It’s been a boring, lazy day. I did nothing except read some blogs, talk a little…and then write this post (which I think is absolute nonsense, because it doesn’t make sense to me!). This is what happens when I’m going through a dull day, feeling dead and bored! 🙂 Hope you are having a better time out there!

The Question is… To Change Or Not To Change!

I really don’t know what to write about. Nothing has happened during the past few days. Actually, that’s not true. A lot has happened during the last week. But nothing that’s blog-material. I’ve been through a few disturbing incidents and am feeling quite low. I just hope the down-time isn’t back! 😦

Recently, I got to know something that a couple of my friends said about me to a mutual friend. They said that I have changed (sounds a lot like new information!). They think I have become less serious, less concerned about the future and other issues. The way they put it was: “Earlier, we could approach her for solutions to problems or intellectual stuff…But now, all she says is ‘Big deal/Leave it, man…blah blah’.” To be honest, I felt kinda hurt when my friend told me that. Hurt because they couldn’t understand me or accept me the way I am. But then, when I thought about it, I realized that I can’t blame them. They haven’t understood me, because they don’t know me. Yes, I have changed, like I explained in detail in an earlier post. So, maybe they cannot accept the way I am now. But I have changed for good. I have become more myself, now, more true to the person I am…and more importantly, I am what I want to be. I love the way I have changed, I love what I am now. So, if they think the ‘earlier-me’ was better and want me to change back to it, they mean to say they can’t accept me the way I am. This is me, this is what I am. Earlier, there were instances when I had to suppress this ‘true-me’ because I was just beginning to get comfortable with everyone and needed to accustom myself to everything. Now that I’m comfortable, I have, slowly, begun to come out of the shell and be more of myself. And that has, apparently, disturbed some friends who happen to stick to conventional ways of behaving (and believe everyone else should do the same). That just proves they cannot love me for who I really am. I don’t blame them. But I want them to know that this is me, and I’m not going to change it just because you can’t understand it. I’m so happy with the fact that I have begun to be myself, and I love it too much to let go of it for some people who don’t see who I am. They see what they want me to be. Sorry, guys. But you have to live with it.

Sort of what I'd like to tell all those out there!

About the change you are referring to…Yes, I have changed. But in a way I’ve loved and enjoyed. Being yourself involves knowing who you are, discovering yourself, being comfortable with it and letting it out. And that is exactly what I have done. It has been a beautiful journey – the one of being myself. I loved all the realizations that happened on the way, all that I learnt about myself. It’s all been such a great experience and I feel SUPER-GOOD, now that I’m being true to myself. Yes, I don’t worry too much about anything now. I admit I have my own issues bothering me, tormenting me when I’m alone. But I don’t let them ruin my happiness for long. I have realized that there’s no use worrying about something you can’t change. I am concerned about my future. But not in a way that I’ll spend hours fretting about what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do. I have a very good idea of what I want and I’ll do what I can to get there. What good is it going to do, right now, if I sit and torment myself, thinking about it? I admit, there used to be a time when I did that. But I have learnt that it does no good. Only outcome would be that I’ll be left in a depressed, confused and frustrated state of mind (precisely because I can’t do anything).

So, I stopped bothering too much about things that are out of my control. And also about problems that come up in day-to-day life. I have noticed that when a problem occurs, it gets solved after a while. Either by itself (by some natural miracle or something :P) or somehow someone (mostly myself) comes up with a solution. But I always used to worry myself to death over each small, silly or serious problem that came up. Until recently, when I started realizing the futility of the whole thing. Problems come and go. You can’t stop them by brooding over them. So, I stopped being over-depressed by them. When a problem comes my way, I do get disturbed. I won’t say I stay all cool and composed. I might spend some

Don't waste your life worrying over trifles

time pondering over it, trying to figure out what to do, how to get out of the mess. Mostly, it goes on for a day or so, depending on the magnitude/seriousness of the issue. But I tell myself there must be some way out. And sometime, sooner or later, I do find it and move on. Problem solved! So, where’s the need for all that unnecessary lot of despair? And that’s why I try to tell my friends that the problem may seem all huge and terrible…but once you calm yourself and believe that you can get through it, you will know that it’s no big deal…

So, I tell you not to worry so much/not make something a big deal/something in those lines because it’s no use doing all that. Just let it be. If you look at it positively, it’s not always that you get problems (I can already see some furious faces :D). You know it won’t stay forever. When you stop bothering so much, you will find a lot more peace of mind…and that almost always helps in coming up with a solution! Now, you know why I changed and how it happened. I’m going to be this way, for I love myself. Don’t expect me to change back to what I was, what you liked. With all due respect, I’d suggest you go find someone else (someone who doesn’t have an identity or a life for himself) for that kinda thing.

I can’t believe I actually wrote so much. And here I thought I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Well, I guess I write best when I’m provoked! 🙂

Changing Times…

This post is so totally about me! So, it could be boring. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you! So, if you want to turn back (ie. if you have something better to do), please do so NOW!

Time seems to have gone by so fast. I still can’t believe I’m going to be done with college within a couple of months (hardly). But when I think about it, I realize that even though these 3 years may have gone incredibly fast, it has had a great impact on me. I have changed a lot…a lot more than what meets the eye. In essence, yes, I’m still the same. But in many ways, trivial and significant, I have changed. My thoughts and perceptions about so many aspects of life have undergone a transformation. The bond I share with some friends and my family have changed.

When I thought about it, I realized that I’m a different person now…a lot different from the person I was on the first day of college. I can feel it in me. Now, sometimes, when I talk, I think inside my head how new it all sounds to me, how much my views have changed. It strikes me that this isn’t me…or atleast, not the person I was. Initially, I was surprised. I had never expected this. But I love whatever changes have happened. And that gave me an idea – to write down the major or relevant changes in me, over the past 3 years.

Before: I used to believe one should have an ambition and should work hard towards accomplishing it. I always thought it was essential to find that one perfect job where you could find happiness for the rest of your life.

Now: I don’t think it’s necessary to stick to a certain career line for a whole lifetime. I think life should be experienced…and that, inevitably, involves doing what you want, what gives you happiness. Yesterday, in class, a teacher said that the youngsters of today don’t have a clear-cut goal or a sense of where they want to be. Well, I may not have a clear-cut goal but I’m truly happy with that. How can you plan for a future that is completely unpredictable? Yes, you can have dreams but a goal makes your life rigid…focused only on that particular outcome, not letting you do something else you might like better. I prefer keeping my options open, not restricting myself to anything. There’s a lot of things I want to do, lot of places I want to be… A goal wouldn’t let me live all that! Though maybe, you could say that my goal is to fulfill all my different, crazy dreams! 🙂

Before: I was really pious and an absolute believer.

Now: My perceptions about religion and God have changed so drastically. Now, I have formed my own concept about what’s God (as opposed to who it is). And I don’t believe in religion. Sometimes, I think God is more like an entity that men created so that they could blame someone for what’s happening to them. Well, that’s just another weird thought I had. No offense meant! Anyway, I guess that shows how much I have changed in this aspect!

Before: I believed that there existed a Mr. Right for me, somewhere out there, someone who was exactly the way I wanted my guy to be, someone for whom I would be a perfect match, blah blah.

Now: I do NOT believe in a Mr. Right anymore. You might find someone you truly love, someone who understands and accepts you as you are. But the whole concept of a Mr. Perfect is a total fantasy and nothing more (I have already blogged about this, and in case you want to check it out – Seeing Through Mr. Perfect…). My perceptions about relationships have changed like hell, too. I have become a lot more broad-minded and less demanding. I believe a relationship does not have to mean being together 24*7. It involves giving each other the time and space they need (something everyone might know but rarely put into practice), letting the other have a life of their own, knowing that you are always an inseparable part of it. It is about respecting each other’s choices and decisions…and a lot more, of course!

Before: I never had a particular attachment to my family. Yes, I loved them but I didn’t miss them when I was away or feel anything very deep.

Now: I’m extremely attached to my family! I may not be close with my parents beyond a certain extent but I’m really attached to them and my sisters. I miss them so badly. Even as I type this out, I wish I were back at home with them! 😦

Before: Until I got to college, I had only seen a small part of the world, known very few people. I didn’t know much of how diverse people could be. I never knew how fickle some could be.

Now: After coming to college, I have met so many different kinds of individuals. Now, I understand people a lot better and deeper. I have come to understand that there are people with so many different perspectives, behaviours and characters. And I have learnt to accept all of them, learnt to see through them, atleast to an extent. I have also realized the meaning of true friendship. Back at school, I had so many friends. We used to have this great gang and I thought we would be in touch even after school got over. I was very very wrong! But those who are still with me, I’m sure, will stay for life. And I know it will be the same after college. Those who stay, will stay.

Before: I used to study, atleast for the exams.

Now: I don’t bother to study. I go for the exams without even touching the books. The reason is simple enough: I hate the stuff I’m studying!

These are the major changes I could think of. Apart from these, some relevant changes would be: I started blogging (best thing that happened to me in 2011!!!); my perceptions about guys have changed a LOT; I have understood myself better; I discovered something I would love to do in life. And so many more imperceptible changes. I think I have begun loving changes!!! 🙂

Off to the Land of Dreams… :)

I have always been fascinated by dreams, be it the ones we see in sleep or the ones we think up and want to fulfill. Maybe because the whole phenomenon of dreaming is uniquely characteristic of human beings. I’m a person who loves dreaming. Give me 5 minutes and I will be lost in my own Neverland. Being someone who dreams such a hell lot, I was really disturbed when I came here (to college) and found that I was losing touch with my dreams. I just could not dream like I used to. I had no idea why. Anyhow, I did get through that phase…and now, I’m beginning to dream again.

Have you ever taken the effort to write down your dreams? I’m not referring to the dreams you see while you’re asleep (although writing those down can be pretty insightful, too). I’m talking about the dreams that drive you, that you want to see fulfilled. If you haven’t tried writing them down, then you should. I read in a book, long back, that it is good to keep aside a notebook to write down all your dreams in. I loved the idea and began writing my most ardent dreams in a book (which I named my ‘Dreambook’). Last day, I was going through it. I noticed that, initially, I used to write quite often. But the gap between each time I write in it went on increasing. Yesterday, I wrote in it after almost over a year.And I wrote out around 4 pages filled with dreams. I urge you to try writing out your dreams or goals, too. It is an extremely uplifting experience. It makes you think a lot, especially about the life ahead. It pushes you to ponder over where you want to be in life, a few years ahead. And it’s a great way to get your priorities sorted out.

I wrote out my dreams under two heads – for the near future (next 2-3 years) and for the distant future (next 20-30 years). It’s a wonderful way to think about what you want in life. It doesn’t always have to revolve around serious issues like job, family, security and the like. When you sit down to write your dreams, you are actually thinking of all that you want to achieve in the near or distant future. It can be major or minor. It can be something as simple as a dream to, say, learn a new instrument or a language. Or something as crazy as wanting to go bungee jumping. Whatever it maybe, writing it out is almost symbolic to taking the first step to achieve it (not my words, I read that somewhere). You are actually taking some effort towards the realization of that dream, setting into motion the whole process of fulfilling it. And like I said, it’s an awesome, enlightening experience. Because you think about what matters to you in life, you list out all that you want in life… You begin to think of many other aspects you might never have thought of earlier. It kind of makes you see life differently.

Once you know what you want in life, you feel a kind of peace within. And writing out one’s most ardent dreams is one ‘practice’ that can bring you an abundance of happiness. So, take some time off from your busy schedule. Sit down in some silent, peaceful place. And write down all your dreams, every serious or silly dream that you want to fulfill in life. If possible, try dreaming more, too. Come on, how hard can that be? 🙂 Whenever you can, go back to doing this, adding more dreams, and sometimes, ticking off the ones that have come true. Don’t consider it as an exercise, though. Do it only if you find happiness in it. I did. And that’s exactly why I wanted to share this with you.

Whether you write it down or not, try to never let go of your dreams. For they are what adds a sparkle to life. Hold onto them! And while you are at it, dream BIG!!!

Grow Up, Kiddo!!!!!

When I was in school, I used to look at the seniors admiringly… They looked so happy, so free… And that was something I always associated with being grown up. At that point in life, everything important happened once you were grown up. All my dreams, desires and ambitions could be achieved when I grew up…and I eagerly waited for that phase. I used to hate the rules at school. I found it suppressing and longed for freedom. College was my ticket to liberty, I believed. I dreamt up many a castle in the air…lost in the fantasy that once I was out of school, I would enter the ‘grown-up’ territory and then be able to have my fun, do what I want. Once you were grown up, you could pursue your dreams, there would be no restrictions, parents would be more lenient, life would be fun! Or so I thought.

Now, I’m just three months away from leaving college. And I still say “When I grow up, I want to do this and that.” Somehow, growing up just doesn’t seem to have happened the way I expected it to. I admit, college was fun in some ways. I loved breaking the rules, having fun in our ways in such a bullshit place. But it was nothing like what I had in my dreams. I’m not learning what I want to, I’m not bunking too many classes…I haven’t yet found the freedom I thought I would find in college. Anyway, I’m glad I did get to go through so many distinct experiences. 🙂 I know I will miss college a lot. When I consider the idea of going out of college, leaving this safe zone and going out into the world to carve a niche for myself, it does seem really scary. But I’m trying to accept that as another phase I will have to encounter, as part of growing up. I know I will love it; I will enjoy the sheer thrill and unpredictability of the whole experience. Somewhat like how you feel when you step into the water… It does feel too cold initially, but then, as you advance, you begin to enjoy it.

Another fantasy I always had was that I would find my soul mate in college, once I’m grown up, that is. But that hasn’t happened yet. And somehow, I don’t really have high hopes for it anymore. Yeah, good if I do find him…But it doesn’t really matter so much anymore. I have lost belief in all those fantasies, anyway.

Recently, while having a talk with one of my friends, I mentioned something about what I wanted to do once I was grown up. She commented that we are already grown up…as in, we have formed definite perceptions, likes, dislikes and an attitude of our own. I was surprised at hearing that…because I knew she was right. I know I’m grown up, at least according to the standards set by people (read: society). Yet, I do not feel I’m any different from what I was when in school. True, my perceptions may have changed. But I’m still so much the same person at heart. Naive, stupid, dreamy, occasionally displaying bursts of sense… 😀 So, what exactly is growing up? Well, I don’t know, since I haven’t reached that point yet! Though, the weirdest part is…inspite of still feeling so un-grown-up, I notice that I have been engaging in a lot of serious conversations. Conversations that include topics like job, further plans, future, blah blah… Maybe it’s something triggered by the nearing end of college life. But recently, my friends have been talking a lot about all these grown up stuff. So many times, in the middle of these conversations, I have paused for a second to digest the fact that we are actually talking like adults, about serious issues. Wow! And I thought we weren’t there, yet. OK, so are we? See…? Now, you understand what I mean when I say growing up is a weird phrase. It never seems to arrive in entirety, but is always a part and parcel of life…looming in the distance ahead, always in the near distance. 🙂

This is something I truly believe in! 😀

For Dad…

Sometimes, you tend to take a lot of things for granted. Your family, good friends, your comforts in life, so on. I love my family  – my dad, mom and sisters. But more often than not, I take them for granted. Yeah, I love them a lot…but I don’t always think about it or feel lucky (except when I see less fortunate ones). However, life has this amazing way of coming up with situations or instances that open my eyes to the wonderful family I’m blessed with. Something of that sort happened recently. I was just struck by the realization and overcome by this overwhelming happiness.

My parents aren’t exactly what I would call broad-minded. Of course, they are very much so, when compared to so many other people I know. But not as much as I would like them to be. 😀 I mean, they wouldn’t really be able to understand my perceptions about fulfilling my purpose in life, religion (HELL!!NO!!), relationships, marriage, so on. Though I love them a hell lot, I’m not very close with them on a personal level. And I tell my friends about how my parents won’t be able to understand me. But this recent incident just made me realize that I haven’t been able to understand my parents completely, particularly my dad. He knows me a lot more than I gave him credit for. I’m really surprised and of course, so damn happy. 🙂

Well…this is what happened. I have been thinking a lot about doing something in journalism (print media). I would love to work in a magazine, something creative, something I will enjoy and love doing. So, I have been checking out some possible courses and when I came across something I liked, I e-mailed my sister telling her about it. I told her to talk to dad about it & give him the details. I knew he would say something about how I keep changing my decisions, jumping from one to the other, playing with my future, blah blah (you know what I’m talking about!). I wasn’t expecting any kind of positive response from him. The maximum I could expect, I guessed, would be the usual “Let’s see” (which happens to be my dad’s favourite response to anything and everything, ie. if he doesn’t say NO straightaway! :P).

So, next day, I was reading my sister’s reply. When she got to the part about talking to dad, she said that she told dad about my journalism thing. When she heard his reply, she said her reaction was ‘WTF’!!!! I assumed he must have said something about how irresponsible and immature I’m being, can’t stick to a decision… in short, the usual stuff. I continued reading the mail for details of his reaction. This was his reaction, as quoted by my sis in the mail: “She should write and think of, maybe, getting her books published… instead she wants to go for journalism!” I can imagine my sister, standing there, open-mouthed, listening to him say that!!! 🙂 She asked him if he didn’t have a problem with that. He replied, asking why he should have a problem…he said that I should write and become a good writer someday. That was the last thing I expected him to say! He has always encouraged me to write but I never thought he would want me to pursue a career in writing. Parents mostly don’t think art is a field which ensures enough job security and opportunities to prosper for their children and don’t encourage a career in those lines. So, I was honestly surprised at my dad’s reaction. And…extremely HAPPY! 🙂 It felt so damn good knowing that I can always count on him to support my decisions in life.

I thought I knew him…but now, I realize I have never been able to know him completely, not yet, atleast. This incident made me see how I have taken him for granted all this while…never seeing that he understood me well enough to know what I want, what I will be happy doing. I cannot explain the admiration I feel for him… It’s like, suddenly, I have begun to actually ‘see’ him, like I never saw him truly till this day. I feel a deep sense of respect and love for him… for having been there for me all this while, for having given me the freedom to choose what I want in life, for loving me so much, even after all the crap I have done (which have, I’m sure, hurt him a lot!)…basically, for being the dad that he is!!! 🙂

To dad: I hope you read this someday. I want you to know how grateful I’m to you for all that you have done, are doing and will be doing (I presume) for me. You are the best! I don’t know if I’ll succeed but I will certainly try to be a good daughter, though I doubt I will ever be the kind of daughter you deserve to have. 🙂 I know I have hurt you a lot more than you admit, I’m sorry for all that. I love you a lot for knowing & understanding me, letting me be what I am…and for being what you are… and actually, all I want to let you know is: I love you a lot. You are the best dad ever! And I’m the luckiest daughter ever! 🙂 Love you.

Here’s to all dads, for their undying, unconditional love and support!! 🙂

[I guess this means I’ll have to write something for mom, very soon. I can already hear the phone ringing… 😀 :D]