Let’s Catch Up!

So…I think I’m back, and I know I’m repeating a line that has been part of atleast 4-5 previous posts. Around 7 weeks after my previous post, here I am, finally typing something onto a page that I’ve opened up a hundred times in the past few days. Well, a lot has changed. Obviously. How can things remain the same for 7 whole weeks, anyway?

Well, in case you’d like to know, I quit my job at Kochi (Kerala), bid farewell to some awesome friends (and some beautiful, memorable places) and have come back to RAK. Home. It’s just been around 7 months since I left this place. It used to feel like ages when I was in Kerala, but now, once I got back, it feels like I hadn’t gone at all.

I suppose RAK is the place where I spend that interval period between two phases in my life. Because, now, I’m here to take my time and figure out what I want to do next. I haven’t yet begun the ‘figuring out’. I don’t want to force myself to dwell on it and find an answer. Let it come by itself, I know it will.

So, while I’m in the process or relaxing, lazing around and trying to do some serious thinking, I will also have a lot of chattering to do… Do keep a watch on this space! 🙂 I’ve missed my readers – regulars and the random visitors alike – as much as I have missed the experience of blogging.

And while you’re here, why don’t you tell me what you have been upto? 🙂 

This and That… – Basically, Thoughts

It was Onam yesterday, and I got two days off from work. Since I’m away from home, it was mostly like any other day, nothing special. When I spoke to dad, he asked

English: Pookalam during Onam days in Irinjala...

me what was happening for Onam and I had nothing to tell him. Because there’s nothing happening over here. And that made me think. All these religious or cultural festivals mean nothing to me. I get a holiday, which is great. And…well, that’s it. I haven’t felt an attachment to any of them that would make it special for me. And why? Because it was always the presence of my family that made any day significant for me.

Christmas is my favourite festival and time of the year. Now, when I try to understand why, I don’t have an answer. I’m not religious, I don’t attach any significance to the beliefs or practices behind Christmas. But it is special, nevertheless. Very much so. Because it was always special for my family. They made it different for me. Their enthusiasm, interest and spirited approach to the festival is my most vivid memory connected to it. Which is probably why it has always been so exceptional for me.

Over here, so far away from my family, all these special days have lost their charm, for me. They don’t mean anything to me, except a lot of dear memories. There are so many other aspects or elements in life that have significance for you only (or mostly) because of what it means to your loved ones.

Tuesday was an awesome day! For the first time ever, I went clothes-shopping by myself. I’m not a fan of shopping. I don’t enjoy shopping, especially by myself, and especially for clothes (none of this is applicable when it comes to books). It was an impulsive decision. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. When I got back, there was nobody at home. I can’t tell you how super-happy I was. I got some quality time for myself, after so long. I didn’t know how much I had missed spending time by myself, with absolutely no one around. I used to get enough and more of it, while at home. But over here, getting some time all for yourself is like a treasure. So, I made most of the two hours or so I had. I shouted (shouting has a liberating effect, for me), sang out loud, danced around, talked to myself, spent sometime looking outside, sipping coffee… And, had 2 delightful hours by myself. 2 hours that gave me an enlightening thought – I’m at a most beautiful point in life, a phase that I had longed for. And I’m truly enjoying it. The past 2 days have proved, with all the more emphasis, that life does give you what you want/ask for.

Malum consilium quod mutari non potest ;)

Hey! 🙂 Well, I hadn’t expected to be back so soon. But I am! 🙂 With lots to talk about. Obviously!

So, I’m back in Kerala. It’s been around 5 days since I got here yet it feels like I’ve been here for a long time now. I’m staying with my cousin and sister. It’s a relief having them here…helps me get over the occasional bouts of loneliness  that hit me. We went out on a couple of nights. I had my first experience of shopping for foodstuff by myself (with the cousin). We had to think of what all we would need for the week, stay within the budget and make sensible buys. It was interesting…and fun, in some ways. 🙂 After the first couple of days of eating out, we have been trying to cook stuff at home. And, even though it may not be as good as what mom used to make back at home, we seem to be doing fine for now. 🙂

There has been a huge change in my plans. Yes, I’m still planning to work…no change there. But in a different place. A city nearer to home but far away (way better, that is) in terms of lifestyle. And during the past couple of days, I’ve been busy job-hunting. I’m supposed to be disturbed by the sudden twist…but to be honest, I’m excited. The new plan, if everything goes fine, would mean double the experiences I’d have had with the previous plan. The idea is this: my cousins suggested that instead of moving off to a completely new place in a completely different state, I could work in a place over here (in Kerala) for a few months. That way, I’d get a taste of how it is to live by myself and will be better able to handle things when I go to a new place. Makes sense. And since it involves more places, more opportunities and more of everything, I thought I would give it a try. When else would I get to do this? So, I’m surprisingly very happy about the change in plans… 🙂 Looking forward to it.

And, that’s about what I’ve been upto. I’ve missed blogging…I’ve missed putting my thoughts into words and letting it out over here. Yesterday, when I opened up the WordPress homepage, it felt so awesome and I couldn’t stop smiling. It felt like I was back in a space where I belong…after a very long time (even though I keep reminding myself it’s just been 5 days or so!). I have a lot of catching up to do, I’ll get to that, eventually. 🙂

Miss Me While I’m Gone…

By this time tomorrow, I’ll be in a different country…and when I say different, I mean different in every possible way. As different as heaven and hell, if you ask me. And the funniest part – that is supposedly my homeplace! I know this (leaving) is completely my decision and nobody else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling sad. Nothing will, in fact.

I know I haven’t posted anything during the past few days. Well, I’ve been shopping, trying to spend time with Ann, packing, blah blah. I must have opened up the ‘add new post’ page atleast twice each day…but never felt like writing anything. And, even if I had, I’m positive it wouldn’t have been worth publishing. I hate lamenting in public (all those depressing, emo status updates in Facebook? I HATE THEM!). I didn’t want to end up doing something I hate.

Time to leave, I suppose…

So, I’m leaving tonight…will reach God’s Own Country by early morning. I don’t know how long I’ll have before I leave to Bangalore. But I have a lot of travelling to do before that. I’ll probably have to meet Merlin on Wednesday, go to college to get some certificates and stuff, meet up some friends, so on. I’m glad I’ll have enough to keep me distracted. I wouldn’t want too much time by myself, I know I’ll be reminded of the fact that I’m away from home.

I have no clue when I’ll be posting next. It will take some time. So, while I’m away trying to settle down into a new phase in life, do bear with my silences and occasional laments. I’m going to miss this space, just as much as I’ll miss home. I’ll try my best to be back soon. Wish me good luck. And, most importantly…Miss me! 🙂

How’s Life ?

Last day, while chatting with Merlin, she asked me how I was feeling. And  I told her, without a second thought, that I was feeling great! She asked me if there was a specific reason and I didn’t have any. I mean, I’m just happy. I’m not exactly doing much over here. In fact, all I do is catch up with the movies/music I missed, read, loaf around, talk to Ann, so on. If I were back at Kerala, I’d probably be telling you about how bored and fed up I’m with the same situation.

There’s something about this place that really connects to me…brings back the happiness that I don’t feel elsewhere! I feel more myself, happier …and the best part is I don’t feel the need to search for happiness. Back there, I used to feel like something is missing, that I need to search for that ‘something’ to make myself feel better. Over here, I can sense a kind of completeness from within. 🙂 Which is exactly why I love this place!

Every time I come here on vacation, I rediscover the zeal for life…then, I go back and lose it… only to come here and find it again. It’s incredible how places can have so much of influence on you, right? 🙂 I’m in love with RAK for the sheer joy it always gives me…for the way it awakens all my dreams and hopes! How’s life going with you? 🙂 

 

Steering Through Sheer Homesickness

Today, when I read what I posted last time, I was like “OMG! What crap did I post?” I don’t know if it made sense to you. And in case you’re still trying to make sense of it, don’t worry, it won’t be often that I go so crazy as to write total insensible bullshit! Mostly, I stick to writing plainly stupid bullshit! 😀 Well, my weekend was great! I had one day of fun and another of pure lazing around. I would have loved one more day, though. But the prospect of going another day without blogging made me change my mind and look forward to the next day. 🙂 I definitely know a couple of readers who missed me. 😉

Since the very first day I joined college, I have missed home so intensely. During the first few weeks, I cried it out. There were many a nights on which I would curl up under my blanket and cry silently into the pillow, wishing I could somehow go back home and not have to come back to this hell. I used to feel instantly homesick when I listened to ‘Someone’s Watching Over Me’ by Hilary Duff because that’s a song that reminds me very intensely of home and the good ol’ times. Eventually, I got used to the homesickness. I still missed home but I slowly learnt to live with it. I found a handful of great friends, who helped a lot. It felt really comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in my sorrow. And who wouldn’t wish for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of all this misery? I did…and I will always be grateful for the friends I found here.

The first year was hard for me. Being uprooted from the place I call home, I found it difficult to cope with the atmosphere at college and especially with the ‘traditions’ and way of thinking prevalent in Kerala. I could not stand the stifling customs and norms according to which I was expected to behave. Apart from my family and friends, what I missed most terribly was the freedom I enjoyed back at home. I was born and brought up in Ras-Al-Khaimah (UAE). Even now, when I fill in my details, I cannot think of any place other than RAK which can fill the blank against Homeplace/Hometown. I know it may not be home forever…but that is where I belong.

 

Over the past 3 years, I have realized and come to understand a lot about myself. For instance, I never knew I could withstand so much of pain. Every time I came back after a vacation (inevitably to RAK), it would take me weeks to get over the fervent longing to be back at my home, with my family. Somehow, I managed to live through the struggle of those weeks with a strength that still surprises me.

If you ask me whether I’m fine with it now, I would say, to be very honest, I AM NOT! I still miss home so badly…my dad, mom, sisters…the evenings my sisters and I used to sit and talk…mom pestering me to have food…the boring Fridays…the heat during the summers…the slight fog during the winter mornings…Christmas time (!!! :()… I miss the way we used to listen to music 24*7 in the room (that’s something I MISS with a super-capital M)…hanging out with friends, checking out guys and once in a while, getting into trouble…the way I used to talk to friends over the phone for hours…the awesome food… Most of all, I miss the freedom I enjoyed there. I felt so damn free… I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was never so bothered about what others would say or think; not as much as I have to be bothered now, anyway. I could stay out with friends for as

Home, very truly, is where the heart is!

long as I wanted (provided dad didn’t know :D), I could sit up late into the night reading or watching movies or listening to music or talking or doing WHATEVER I wanted! I miss that so damn badly!

This place has a way of getting to your nerves, suppressing you…suffocating you so terribly that you can’t stay in your senses for a moment longer. Here, I have had to ‘smother’ myself to a certain extent or quieten myself in a situation where I would have liked to speak out. All because of the conservative people and their rules…because they can’t live and let live. I had never felt so demotivated and depressed as I felt then. I’m glad I finally sorted it out and came out of that phase. And the most important thing, I never let myself be changed by the rules, customs or anything. I’m so glad I always remained true to myself, never giving in to the pressure of this place and its people. I can’t say the same for some of my friends, though.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, just don’t let anything force you to change. If you are happy with yourself, then you have no reason to change. Nothing or nobody is worth that much effort. And anyway, people who truly love you will accept you for who you are and not demand you to change. When you go through hard times in life, try to be strong and be true to yourself. I still miss home, especially right now, since it’s Christmas time (which is family time, for me) and because all my best friends are there right now…without me! 😦 But I know it will pass, like always. Maybe not completely. In fact, never completely. But I will be able to survive, live through it all with a smile…because eventually, I know I will get home…reach that place where I belong, where I’m truly happy, where I’m free to be myself.