When the going gets tough…

 

 

After a lot of typing and hitting the backspace, this is my third attempt at coming up with something that is not depressing. No, today was not depressing. But I’m getting bothered by certain minor issues, which would not have happened if I had found a good friend out here. I miss sitting down and talking to someone (like a specific someone), just letting out my emotions, frustrations and everything…so that I can get it all off my mind and have new experiences. Right now, I’m trying to create the void, the empty space which I could fill up with new memories and experiences. I seem to be failing very badly. Loneliness is a bitch, I tell you. Yesterday, while walking back from my workplace, I was so intensely reminded that I have nowhere else to go (except work and home)…more than that, I was painfully reminded that I have no one I can be with. I mean, I don’t have a close friend with whom I can make after-work plans, spend time with, talk to, laugh with; a person I can always turn to.

Do you see what I meant by the first line? I don’t want to sound helplessly depressed. So, moving on…last night, I had an awesome experience. I was up whole night, talking to one of my house-mates. She is leaving in a couple of days. So, we were just having some coffee and talking. After a while, when it began raining, both of us sneaked out of the house, went up onto the terrace and stood there for some time. We talked, watched the sky, thought about our lives, got lost in our own worlds and shared the same awe and fascination as we looked up at the moon, the clouds, the stars. At that moment, I felt an inexplicable connection with her. Connection, and a pain when I realized she wouldn’t be with me, after a couple of days.

Everyone’s busy with their lives, caught up in their own joys, sorrows and problems. But experiences like this literally pull you out of your little bubble. And you open your eyes to what you’re missing.

We (my housemate and I) were up until almost 4:30 am, talking, spending time. I loved being with her. And wished she didn’t have to go. But, sometimes, letting go is the only way you can get something for yourself, only way to realize how much it means to you. Doesn’t make sense? I think I should go back to my nonsense and crap. Atleast that way, you’d know there is no point in trying to make sense of it. 🙂

 

 

Moo-ing Realizations

Today has been a day of realizations. A lot has happened and I’m almost bursting with all that I want to tell.

So, for the past few days, I’ve been kinda disturbed by certain issues. On Thursday, after work, I went to this book store that had a book fair going on. That was my way of dealing with the pain and depression. And, I’m so glad I did that. I’ve found my sure-fire way of beating depression – being around books. It makes me feel so giddy with happiness, so high…and I have to try my best to stop myself from jumping around! Which is exactly what happened the other day.

I had some emotionally wringing moments last night. And that was the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up today. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I had it all fixed in my head. At work, I had a completely unproductive time. I was disturbed and moody, in no mood to do anything and, well, ended up doing nothing! After work, I wanted to do something, anything…crazy, impulsive, reckless. Just something. And I began walking. By tiring out my legs and mind, I thought I would distract my mind from the distressing thoughts. I just kept walking.  Not aimless, because there was this place ahead where I knew I would find something like a book fair. So, I kept walking, knowing I would reach there eventually. And I did.

The place is huge (bigger than what I had in mind) and very much disorganized. I found a few books I really liked, the remaining were boring, mushy romance novels or something in those lines. I spent a long time there, just taking in everything; I knew I had found a spot of happiness for myself. After spending some time there, I decided to go home since it was getting late. On the way back, I felt like having coffee and got into this coffee shop near my place. Apart from an old lady, I was the only person there. So, I was just sitting there, by myself, thinking about life, my situation and all that. I tried to have a conversation with the guy who came to serve me (because I badly needed someone to talk to, right then). When the old lady got up to leave, I smiled at her. But she didn’t respond. And I was wondering what had happened to people. They no longer had the courtesy to smile back at someone, no time to talk, no… Before I went any further with my thoughts, she came upto me and spoke to me, started by suggesting some dishes I could try.

I was surprised. She asked me what I was doing, where I stayed and other typical questions. She spoke a lot about herself. After 10-15 minutes of conversation, I knew all about her family and quite a lot about her life. She said she lives in the same building and comes down to the coffee shop when she needs peace, silence and time by herself. I felt she was kinda lonely (so was I) and that she was glad to get someone to talk to (which was mutual). We had a good conversation…about how her daughter and family had left the previous day and she wanted some time by herself to deal with the sudden loneliness. She asked me to drop by whenever I wanted to, since she was alone at home. I really liked her a lot. A very intelligent, friendly and awesome person. And I loved the way she went on talking. 🙂

When I stepped out of there, I had this great feeling within, sort of like a light shining. I could not stop smiling. I felt this sense of exhilaration, just happy about being alive. Height of happiness (*sheepish grin*) – I even mooed back at a cow that was mooing when I passed by (just didn’t want it to feel lonely, mooing by itself…and guess what? It replied to my moo!!). This is embarrassing, but I thought I’d tell you anyway (like you don’t already know I’m crazy).

I had decided the day would turn out to be bad. I was wrong. Even though it started off bad, it ended on a very happy note. Lot of awesome moments and realizations. I’ve always believed that life is about having new experiences. That’s how you live. And today, I had a handful of them – taking impulsive decisions, going off to an unknown place by myself, talking to a stranger I met in a coffee shop (should I include the mooing?). I loved it. While walking back home, I had some striking realizations.

  • When we have problems, it kind of feels like there’s a void within, and lot of pain, and you don’t know how to deal with it. Well, I realized something. A void is the best way to have new experiences in life. When there’s an emptiness, you are open to new experiences. When you are in pain, the small joys in life take on a whole new meaning, and that lets you experience life better. So, like Paulo Coelho said in ‘The Zahir’, fill up that void with new experiences. 🙂
  • You cannot figure out everything in life. Sometimes, you feel certain things, unusual emotions for people, places, things, anything. And you don’t know why. But we, human beings, for some reason have to make sense of it all (after all, we are supposed to be far more superior than any other creature on Earth, or so we think). And we spend a hell lot of time, bent over figuring out what we feel, why we feel…and finally, screw up whatever happiness we had. What I’m trying to say is: Don’t try to figure out everything in life. It’s ok to have emotions that cannot be explained. Don’t be adamant about getting an explanation for everything in life. It doesn’t work that way, not if you want to live life.
  • (This one’s a re-realization) Do what you want, be with people you love, make sure you don’t lose the ones who mean the most to you. Life happens only once.

Happy weekend! 🙂

Painting Happiness

It’s amazing how small things can help us realize great lessons. Lessons that can sometimes turn your day around! 🙂 Read on, and you will understand what I’m talking about.

Well, yesterday morning, I met up with Saba. We spent almost over 5 hours or so at her place. All we did was talk, eat and watch TV for a (very very) short while. Anyway, it did a hell lot of good to me! I felt so much better, just being with her. I admit there were times when I kinda fell back into my distracted, moody phase but never for long. We spoke about a lot of random stuff – movies, songs, friends, her life, my stuff, Osama bin Laden (yeah,  you read it right!), so on. 😀 Just wish I could have stayed longer. But she had work and we had no other option. I was in a perceptibly good mood once I got back home.

When Ann came back from school, she showed me a painting she had done. She

From the Windows Of Jupiter – Gerardo Gomez (click to know more)

isn’t really into painting, doesn’t do it so well or anything but likes to dabble at everything. And, so, she tries to paint out her thoughts in her own weird ways. Only she can make sense of her paintings. I love trying to interpret her paintings with crazy thoughts. [Note: The painting on the right looked like a really happy one probably because of the vibrant colours, which is why I chose it.]

Anyway, this particular painting had a yellow dome-like structure in the middle with some black lines outlining it. Thanks to her help, I understood that it was supposed to be a gate. Underneath the gate, there were thick streaks of yellow, blue and black (horizontally). Ok, like all of you, I was clueless when she showed it to me. And I asked her what it means (she loves explaining her paintings!).

Firstly, it depicts a kind of fantasy world. According to her, the layers/streaks of colours show the different layers separating the ‘world’ from the ‘gate to happiness’. Black stands for sadness & negative emotions while blue is a more positive layer and yellow, of course, denotes happiness. I LOVED the whole idea (I always love her ideas, they are so novel and different).

But, when I looked closely at the painting, I noticed another possible interpretation. It could have been a painting of how our mind is… The layers represent different emotions, starting from the depressive, negative thoughts (black), the slightly positive ones (blue) and then the happy ones (yellow)…finally leading to the gate of happiness, which lies deep within all of our minds. Only when we navigate through these different, deep layers and go deep into our minds will we find happiness. Happiness is found within, after all.

This is what I meant by the very first sentence…how small things can teach us great lessons. How the seemingly silly painting by my little sister could make me see something so profound and immense! I know I’m sad, and now, I’m trying to overcome it…by going deeper into myself…because that’s the only way out. 🙂 I already knew it, but I guess I had to be reminded. I won’t find joy (that lasts) anywhere else, for it lies within.

So, what’s the one great lesson that you have learnt from a quite small/trivial incident? 

 

This is another picture Ann drew. I LOVE it. Maybe because it’s from a different angle and perspective. 🙂

 

The Journey So Far…

Sometime in July 2008, I typed out my first blog post. Kiran had suggested I should try blogging since (she thinks) I write well (she’s too lazy to write, even though she writes too) and I have thoughts to blog about. She is more into talking it out loud. I didn’t take it seriously then. But later, when I was bored and had nothing to do, I thought of giving it a chance. What would I lose, anyway? And, that’s how Roshrulez was born. All I had in mind at that point was a space where I get to write out my stupid thoughts. I never expected people to read it, I was happy with the idea of it being out there, no matter whether others read it or not. 🙂 After my second or third post, I was kinda bored with it and got other stuff to focus on.

And then, after a few months, I came back to it. Probably because I didn’t want my blog to get hurt and feel neglected. 😛 So, I posted something else. And after a couple of days, I got busy with other stuff (again!). Then, I came back to it after another few months. Sometime in December, 2008, there was an incident that moved me so much; so much that I wanted to talk about it and felt blogging would be the best way to do it. And that’s what I did. It felt so good…there had been a lot on my mind and writing it out helped me feel so much better.

Again, I was busy with life…especially once I joined college. During one vacation, when I was at home (RAK), I was plagued by so many profound thoughts and had to write it out. And after almost over a year or so, I posted something, just to shut up that voice in my head. 🙂 Yet again, I forgot about my blog within a couple of days.

Sometime during October of last year, Kiran and a couple other friends asked me why I wasn’t doing anything on my blog. I had no valid excuse. And one day, while in the lab, jobless and bored, I thought I would post something. It had been so long…and Kiran’s admonitions have a way of bothering me to the point of doing something about it. That’s how I wrote the post in November, after almost a year and a half.  And like I have mentioned in an earlier post, I found a very deep, inexplicable happiness after I hit Publish for that post. Something like a rush… and I instantly knew this was something I’d love doing again. Since then, there’s been no question of looking back. Initially, I had my doubts…I thought I’d lose interest and abandon it halfway through. But it’s been over 5 months since then…and there’s been no change in my enthusiasm to blog. If anything, I’d say I’ve become more into it…seriously addicted to blogging. You will know what I mean, if you’ve noticed how I’ve tried to post daily or atleast on a regular basis (when I can’t post daily). And guess what? I’m typing out my 100th post right now (that’s what you’re reading)!

Tadaaaa!!! 🙂

Yes! When I created this blog, I had absolutely no hopes or dreams for it. But now, at my 100th post, I’m drawn to it in a way words could hardly explain. I want to write about a lot of stuff, voice my crazy & sane thoughts, connect to like-minded people across the globe, witness as this small space of words & thoughts grows into something far beyond anything I’ve ever dreamed of…and yes, I’d like to be Freshly Pressed someday. Who doesn’t!! 🙂

So…that’s the story so far. It’s been a wonderful journey. I’ve been through the usual spat of dull days when I had nothing to talk about and ended up posting a lot of bullshit; some lazy days when I just wanted to jump onto my bed and sleep off; a lot of awesome days when I had so many thoughts to blog about; days when I was so moved by some incidents that I had to blog about it to get it out of my head…

I’ve met so many fellow bloggers & friends who think like me, who find my posts good enough to come back here often, who have supported, encouraged and stuck with me while I rambled on about whatever came into my mind. Experiences like coming across LiveLearnMature, Tassem and so many other blog mates are unique, so dear to me because I know I couldn’t have found them anywhere else. In fact, I had never expected anything of that sort over here! Blogging has given me a lot…it has grown to mean a lot to me.  Apart from the fact that it has enhanced my writing skills and confidence in my talent, it has given me such a lot of insights into myself, made me think like hell, gifted me new friends and a new source of happiness. 🙂

To all the readers, fellow bloggers, followers and awesome people out there – Thank you for bringing me so far…to this milestone in my blogging life, my 100th post. Love you all! Thank you so much for your love and support! 🙂 Keep them pouring in. Because I don’t intend to stop anytime soon!! 😀