Figuring Out

Everyday, I open up the ‘Add New Post’ page, thinking the sight of it might inspire me or push me to write out something. But it has been nearly two weeks now. Ann told me that I must blog something today. And then, I found this Freshly Pressed post today, in which the blogger experiences a similar lack of  inspiration to write (due to different reasons, though). In my case, I just don’t find that spark, that inner need to write, to let out my thoughts. I do have stuff to say, but I just can’t seem to find the will to do it.

I’m trying to figure out what I should do next, in terms of a course/further studies. I want to let myself take time and come up with it, but meanwhile, it kind of depresses me to think that I’m in the middle of nowhere, right now…with no idea of where to turn to, what to do next. I’m sure it’s normal, but I’m still trying to come to terms with it. So, I suppose all that inner turmoil is the actual culprit behind my lack of motivation.

Someone once told me that we don’t really need to be taught anything; all that we need to know or learn is within us. It might be true, because sometimes when a person tells me something, I get this feeling that I had already known it, and just needed someone to remind me of it.

I had been unable to understand why I was so moody and disturbed. And then, while reading ‘Like the Flowing River’ by Paulo Coelho, I came across this situation (a comparison to life) in it, and it struck me: “This is my problem! I knew it all along but I needed to be reminded, be told about it (in this case, read it).” So, this was what enlightened me –

“The Persian poet Rumi once said that life is like being sent by a king to another country in order to carry out a particular task. The person sent may do a hundred other things in that other country, but if he or she fails to fulfill the particular task he or she was charged with, it is as if nothing had been done.”

The age-old problem of finding one’s purpose in life. I realized that I’m plagued disturbed. Because I couldn’t figure out what exactly I was supposed to do. That constant feeling of ‘something missing’ or

Found this online. LOVED it! 🙂 Made me smile!

‘something not right’ – that’s what is disturbing me. And I also realize that it is upto me to put it right. And that it can’t be forced. So, while that goes on, I’m trying to enjoy this phase. Trying to get over the sense of loneliness and purpose-less-ness.

I’m sure all of you must have gone through this. So, tell me, how did you get over it or sort it out? 

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A Crappy Phase

For someone who has loved blogging so much, I’m shocked at what’s happening. I used to read almost all the Freshly Pressed posts, regularly visit the blogs I follow and write out the stupid thoughts in my head. And now, WordPress is a site that is near yet far away. I check out the titles of the FP posts every morning but don’t find the time to read any. Though, yesterday I read a couple of them. And I realized that it had been ages! While commenting on a post I liked, I felt like my blogging skills had gotten kinda rusty. It felt a bit foreign to me; I had been out of touch for far too long.

It’s been gnawing at me for quite a few days now. Many of my friends have been asking me about why I haven’t blogged for so long. Their questions have added to the pangs of guilt that I’ve been experiencing lately. So, since it was a peaceful, lazy Sunday, I thought I’d get down to it…and retrieve one of my most ardent passions.

The only excuse/reason I have for my prolonged absence is – lack of time and motivation! Nothing else. I’m seriously demotivated as far as work is concerned. There’s a lot of crap happening and it takes its toll on me, personally…ruins my happiness and peace of mind. Each day, I wake up, I dread the thought of going to work…but pull myself up and go through the day, longing to get back home and hit the bed! I had nothing to blog about, except a bunch of messed up, negative thoughts. I felt no urge to write out.

But then, when you’re passionate about  something and you stay away from it for some time, it doesn’t take long for you to notice how much you miss it. And that’s how I began missing blogging. I missed the excitement of opening up my Dashboard page every day, reading the comments, replying to them, thinking up new posts, looking forward to the response for it…

I’ve had people trying to motivate me, make me feel better. But, somehow, nothing works. At the end of the day, it has to come from me, I suppose. And, why it hasn’t come from me? Because there’s something missing. Something required to help me motivate myself. I can’t quite put my finger on it. What I know for sure is that there’s a void in my mind, right now. I’m trying, thinking of possible ways to fill up that yawning space within. There’s no lack of happiness, if you ask me. It’s the motivation to go on that’s absent. The feeling that I should give it my best and be the best.

Anyway, on a good note, I’m looking forward to the super-awesome phase that will certainly follow this super-crappy phase. 🙂

Regaining Myself…

It has been ages since I wrote something other than journal entries. I guess I have always known it. But I never did anything about it. Yesterday, I saw a movie that made me realize something I would love to do in life, as part of my work. It has rekindled the writer in me and is driving me to write out my thoughts and theories as I used to.

I write this after a break of almost 2 years. Reading through some of what I wrote earlier has made me realize that the quality of my writing has deteriorated to a great extent. When I went through some of those past poems and articles, I couldn’t even believe that I had written them! If you ask me why I couldn’t find time to write for so long, the only answer I can give is that I have been busy with life. I have entered a new phase of life. I had to go through a new beginning. It is when I am back home that I realize how I have changed and to what extent.

My homeland has drained me of so much that I held dear to heart. I used to believe that life should be lived, that we should strive to make a difference in each day in order to make life worth living. But presently, I am so caught up in a routine, monotonous life that I have lost much of the zest I had for life.

I have a lot of dreams in life. I’m sure about what I want from life. I have always been motivated and inspired by my dreams and goals. But once I got caught up in this routine, I seem to be losing touch with my dreams. This realization has caused a lot of depression and I have been trying my best to hold onto these goals which form the meaning of my existence.

Apart from causing me to lose my zest for life and my drive or motivation, this new stage in life has also caused havoc in the relationship I share with some of my best friends. It has rendered me lonely and very much unhappy.

I know I cannot change anything by complaining or lamenting. I know I cannot change my life back to how it was. But that does not mean I can sit back and watch while I lose what matters most in my life. All that I can do, at this point, is probably try to regain what I have lost. Inspiration, zeal and happiness are never hard or scarce to obtain as long as you learn to look deeply into yourself or learn from others’ lives. Reading some of what I wrote in the past has helped me learn so much from my own writings. I have regained so much of the inspiration I needed. And I intend to look ahead and keep hoping for the best, while I ensure that I am not daunted by those around me, that I do not lose the will and zeal to live each moment.

For all those out there who might face, be facing or have faced similar situations, I hope this experience of mine proves to you that you are not alone. Hope it helps you derive the requisite courage to go on, knowing that you are not alone in your suffering. Apart from being a helping hand to those like me out there, I just intended to draw some motivation from myself; for writing always serves to provide me with an insight into myself and helps me think clearer.

Live life to the fullest… Be positive and keep going ahead, hoping for the best! 🙂