When the going gets tough…



After a lot of typing and hitting the backspace, this is my third attempt at coming up with something that is not depressing. No, today was not depressing. But I’m getting bothered by certain minor issues, which would not have happened if I had found a good friend out here. I miss sitting down and talking to someone (like a specific someone), just letting out my emotions, frustrations and everything…so that I can get it all off my mind and have new experiences. Right now, I’m trying to create the void, the empty space which I could fill up with new memories and experiences. I seem to be failing very badly. Loneliness is a bitch, I tell you. Yesterday, while walking back from my workplace, I was so intensely reminded that I have nowhere else to go (except work and home)…more than that, I was painfully reminded that I have no one I can be with. I mean, I don’t have a close friend with whom I can make after-work plans, spend time with, talk to, laugh with; a person I can always turn to.

Do you see what I meant by the first line? I don’t want to sound helplessly depressed. So, moving on…last night, I had an awesome experience. I was up whole night, talking to one of my┬áhouse-mates. She is leaving in a couple of days. So, we were just having some coffee and talking. After a while, when it began raining, both of us sneaked out of the house, went up onto the terrace and stood there for some time. We talked, watched the sky, thought about our lives, got lost in our own worlds and shared the same awe and fascination as we looked up at the moon, the clouds, the stars. At that moment, I felt an inexplicable connection with her. Connection, and a pain when I realized she wouldn’t be with me, after a couple of days.

Everyone’s busy with their lives, caught up in their own joys, sorrows and problems. But experiences like this literally pull you out of your little bubble. And you open your eyes to what you’re missing.

We (my housemate and I) were up until almost 4:30 am, talking, spending time. I loved being with her. And wished she didn’t have to go. But, sometimes, letting go is the only way you can get something for yourself, only way to realize how much it means to you. Doesn’t make sense? I think I should go back to my nonsense and crap. Atleast that way, you’d know there is no point in trying to make sense of it. ­čÖé



Musings on Deep, Dark Nights

Did you notice the pun? I just did…and I’m impressed with myself (clearly, it isn’t always that I come up with clever stuff like that!). And I have this thing for titles…I love spending time to think up really good, catchy titles…and I usually tend to read books which have catchy titles. Anyway, I digress… (nothing new, of course!)

If I were asked what I really love writing about, one answer you would definitely get is ‘night’. Apart from the more natural topics like myself, my life and experiences, night is a ‘theme’ I love to write about. Even though I love bright, sunny days, I have a great fascination for the dark nights, the starry sky and everything about this time of the day. One interesting definition I found in the dictionary is ‘the time of darkness between sunset and sunrise’. I loved it… I loved the thought of night being a span of time connecting the sunset and the sunrise.

I have realized that I’m always at my creative best at night. There is a more easy flow of words when I write at night, as if the voice in my head is most active then. Most of my ‘best stuff’ were written at night. Back at home, there were times when I stayed up late into the night, writing till I felt satisfied, till that inner voice fell quiet. I miss all those times. Whenever I sit up at night, I can’t help but feel that I’m the only one up while the rest of the world sleeps (that doesn’t apply to the other end of the world where the sun must be just coming up). There is a kind of calm silence enveloping me, no noise except those of the reigning night. Sometimes, I feel I can actually ‘hear’ my inner voice (let’s name it Norah, because that’s a name I LOVE!!) narrating my thoughts to me, imploring me to put them down on paper. The silence around me makes me feel I’m all alone, happily so, lost in my world of thoughts while everyone else around is deep in slumber. It’s just me, awake and alone…me and my thoughts. The night-time and its attributes (the tranquility, silence, darkness) have a way of connecting to me, to my soul and yes, to Norah. Maybe that’s why words just pour out from my mind (through the pen) and onto the paper, almost without any effort, when I sit down to write at night.

I love the night sky. The blanket of darkness spread over the world, studded with twinkling dots of stars, never fails to mesmerize me and leave me in awe. The vast expanse of the sky, its infiniteness and the depth of its pervading darkness… I can’t stop admiring it, whenever I let myself be enraptured by the stupendous night sky. Last day, I witnessed the lunar eclipse. I spent a long time looking at the shining bit of the moon, fascinated by the stars thrown all across the sky… It has been a long time since I got the opportunity to indulge in the night sky-watching practice. So, it felt really good as I sat at the window, looking out at the sky, as if it held the answers to all the questions in the universe (which, maybe, it does)…as if I had never seen anything more interesting than it. The familiarity of this experience was somehow immensely comforting.

What I loved most was the thought that all my dear ones would see this very sight, if they looked up. However distant or far apart we maybe, it felt soothing, knowing that we were all connected, living under this same blanket of sky. I find nights to be one of the most miraculous and captivating phenomena of all. There’s a certain joy that creeps into my mind, as the last rays of sunlight touch the face of earth…The joy of experiencing yet another wonderful night, harbouring hopes for yet another beautiful day ahead.