Recurrent (& Insane) Thoughts

I know the sudden disappearing came without warning. But, it was unintended, which is why I never got to warn. 🙂

Anyway, I’m back. I have had an awesome bunch of 5 days at Merlin’s place. It was seriously like a second home. I felt so comfortable and at home. We didn’t exactly do anything much except talk, sleep and talk a lot more. There was one time when we went on talking, late into the night and slept off by 4am or so. Apart from all that, these few days have also brought us closer in a very special way. We got to know a lot more about each other… And guess what? Remember the problems I mentioned about in my previous post? All the worries about not having time and stuff? It’s all solved! I’m so relieved! Just hope nothing new comes up to bring back my worries. 🙂

These past few days haven’t been eventful in the general sense. But, emotionally, they have been truly remarkable. So much has been happening with me…and I’ve been thinking like hell. Thinking A LOT!! And realizing a lot, too; thanks, partly, to Merlin. I’ve been reanalyzing the way I feel for some persons, how I had taken it on until now, so many such thoughts. Not just about people or emotions, but also about future, life and a lot more.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

I’ve been thinking about where I’ll end up. That happens to be something I have always wondered about…yet can’t come up with a satisfying enough possibility in reply. Recently, one of my teachers mailed me saying (among other things) he is waiting for the day when he will see me in a good position, one that I deserve, befitting my talents and abilities. I was touched. But confused. Because I don’t exactly know what position I should end up in. There is so much that I want to do, so I don’t really know what I’d like to end up as. A writer? Yes! A psychologist? Sure (I guess I have never mentioned it but I’ve always loved psychology and wanted to do a lot in it)!! Basically, if you ask me, what I want most is to be someone who has contributed substantially (in my own way) to the world…someone who has made a difference in people’s lives, touched them in some way…someone who has done her part in making the world a happier place. That’s what I want, ultimately. Though, I wonder what kinda ‘position’ that would make me end up in. 🙂

I’ve always loved the thought of having a cause to live for, work for and maybe, fight for. It could be anything. In normal life, I guess it would be something like a particular assignment, some specific work, a project to be completed, anything. I’ve noticed that once I get a particular task to be completed, I put myself into it, fully. My thoughts and efforts seem to be concentrated solely on that task, and I never seem to stray until I complete it properly. That’s exactly what happened with the Class Exhibition thing, last month. But I’m talking about having a cause that’s far higher, beyond trivial tasks and stuff. Like, for instance, I’m fascinated by the lives people must have led during the freedom fighting times. Be it anywhere. Since I’ve learnt specifically about the whole Indian freedom fighting era, I guess I’ll be referring to it. For people of those times, everything they did must have revolved around the concept of attaining freedom. Their lives must have been completely devoted to the cause of freedom…not just for themselves, but for all. Their work, efforts, thoughts, everything was focused on this cause. All of them must have tried to contribute to it, even if it were in a small way. In the end, when the goal was achieved, each Indian must have had the happiness of knowing that they had done their part in this achievement, that it had been their cause, too, however indirectly it may have been.

I’ve always been in love with that thought. The thought of having a cause as strong as that…something that I could focus on, work for and live for. I guess it’s quite impractical in the present world…but, you never know. Or maybe, I could create something of my own to work for. Anyway, this was one thought that kept coming back to mind during the last couple of days.

So, tell me one (or two) recurrent thought(s) that’s been in your mind for the past few days. It can be absolutely anything!

‘Unmixing’ Tenses…

Tadaaaa…I apologize for the utter nonsense I posted last day. I was evidently too bored to think properly. I have even better nonsense this time! 🙂

In the book I’m currently reading (‘Intimacy’ by Osho), there is a part where the author urges people to be authentic. There are 3 things that should be followed in order to be authentic. 1st – Listen to your inner voice, go according to it. 2nd – Do no wear a mask, be true to what you feel. 3rd – Live in the present, do not hold onto your past or future because they don’t let you be authentic to the present.

I found the first two quite easy to understand. Even though I am more accustomed to suppressing my anger, hatred and such negative emotions, I could try to start being authentic to myself. But how do I achieve the third condition? I have read the same in a couple of other books. And I have tried, too. But one can’t just let go of one’s past, all those memories, thoughts and  experiences one went through and accumulated over the past decades. How can you possibly do that?

I have met so many people over the past 20 years of my life. And I have so many different memories with all of them; some good, some bad, but all of them precious, nonetheless. Apart from happy memories, I have also had unhappy ones, naturally. And I get reminded of them once in a while. There might be instances when I feel low, thinking of some such experience. Even after it has been (almost) forgotten, I do get reminded of it when similar incidents or situations occur. This is a a clear example of mixing of the present with past incidents. I can’t help it. ‘The Zahir’ by Paulo Coelho says that you need to talk out everything about your past to someone (preferably a stranger) in order to fully let go of it. I have tried talking it out with people but somehow, a part of the pain still exists. And how do I let go of it… I mean, how can I forget it and also stop it from coming back?

Especially when it comes to relationships, I tend to connect some characteristics to past situations…and there have been many a time when I have felt that a certain person talks/looks/behaves like someone I have known. When I do that, I am unintentionally forming a slight judgment in my head, connecting both the persons (one from my past and the other from my present). I’m not giving the person a chance to be or show what he is, I’m already assuming he must be like the other person I knew. Yes, I realize that’s very wrong. That is exactly why I want to let go of my past. I want to start anew, just be in the present, live in the moment fully…not just physically, but also emotionally, especially in my thoughts and memories. I want to be here, in this moment, completely. I don’t want past memories to taint the present.

How do I do that? How do I let go of everything? Even though I really want to let go, I admit I’m also scared. Because it would mean letting go of everything I have built up, amassed and treasured in the past years. If all that is gone, what would be left with me? How would I fill the void that arises out of that emptiness? When I get to the core of the problem, I know it’s basically ‘me’ who is the first obstacle. I’m overcoming that, gradually, now. But I’m still confused about how I should go about erasing my past from my present. I have heard wise people say that there is nothing to be taught in this world. It is all within us. When we were made, everything of the Universe was a part of us. All that we need to know and learn is within us, we just need to discover it. Or so they say. So, I guess, until I find someone who can help me understand how to close the door on my past, I will trust myself to reveal to me the great secrets my soul holds within. 🙂

Lately, a lot of people have been telling me that I think way too much. Yeah, maybe I do. But that is why I am what I am. I believe my thoughts and imagination are what defines me. I think, I exist. 🙂 Come on, when everyone stays away from thinking much, saying you shouldn’t think too much, there should be someone to think up stuff!! Imagine, if Newton hadn’t bothered to think, we wouldn’t know about gravity (in case you are thinking “Who wants to know about gravity, anyway?”, I have so many more examples)! Maybe, someday, you will thank me for thinking so much (ah! vain, wishful thinking). 😛

Delving Into The Past…

Recently, I was going through a magazine when I found an article about some unsolved mysteries of the world.

In the article I read, the writer told about how there were so many architectural wonders in our world which were built in the past. It went on to say how even now experts have not been able to understand how the people of those times must have built them. Because building them essentially required a far advanced level of technology than what was available (or what is known to be available!) then. Now, technology has advanced and developed a lot. Still, we might not be in a position to (re)create the pyramids that Egypt is so synonymous for.

Building some of the architectural structures, particularly those of Egypt and India, could not have been possible with raw manpower and sheer intellectual capabilities. It certainly required a lot of advanced technology.

Experts are still at a loss to understand how those structures have been built up. Granite is known to be one of the hardest and heaviest materials. Transporting blocks of granite weighing 50 tonnes through a distance of 600 miles from their quarry and positioning it 180 feet above the ground is no simple task. The architects of the past have sculpted granite as if it were wood.

All these show the need and the possible presence of a technology unknown to us.

Could it be that our ancestors possessed the knowledge of some such advanced level of technology? Is it possible that we can access it now, at present?

A group of historians studying these architectural structures have found a lot of similarities in the foundation and some other properties of architecture in India and Egypt. Can it be a coincidence that there’s a similarity between the building patterns of two countries, both of which are so rich in history and particularly in architecture? Historians have not really been able to explain this similarity.

 A very far-fetched theory that some people put forward is that the people of the past might have had access to extra terrestrial technology or help from extra terrestrials. It seems a quite insensible answer to me. I was very much intrigued by the article and it left me thinking.

So… how did they manage to build up so much of wonderful structures which even we are not able to replicate properly? Is there something we are overlooking? Or is it really beyond us, our technology and capabilities?

We seem to have a vast knowledge about our past and the history of the countries. Aren’t there any records of how these structures were built and how they managed to do it all? Why haven’t we been able to know it?

 It seems so strange to me… We seem to know so much about everything. We seem to have answers for everything. But when we start thinking deeply there are so many questions unanswered, mysteries unsolved. There seems to be so much we don’t know.  When there are so many things we don’t know how can we be so sure of what we know? Well, everything appears to become complicated when you think that way! Life itself seems to get so complicated sometimes! I guess we don’t have such a long life to spend time thinking of what we don’t know. Maybe that’s why we give importance and care about only what we know.

 Anyway, like I mentioned, life is too short (maybe because we make it seem to be so) to waste time thinking of what we don’t know. But for those of you who are like me (thinking of what we do not know), HAPPY THINKING!! 😀 

 And…Keep smiling, coz it gives happiness, both to you and to others!! J