Someone And Me

 

I always have weird moments of revelation. Like, one moment of sudden clarity and I see something I’ve been overlooking.

I came across (more like stumbled across) someone. I don’t want to say someone ‘special’ because that would be so cliché. Special is no longer very special, I guess. So, like I said, I’ve come across someone. Someone I knew for a long time. I used to see this person on a daily basis (or so), once upon a time. And the first time we communicated was two weeks ago. It’s super weird. But life has its own ways of bringing people together, when the time is right.

So, this someone and I have been exchanging mails; started chatting recently. And we have realized how similar our interests and thoughts are. Our conversations are unique, amusing. We talk about thoughts, beliefs, experiences… We share bits of new information, send each other interesting links and songs. And he introduced me to two awesome sites! One of them is 8tracks.com and I’m already in love with it. 

So, what drove me to write this post? I was wondering what to blog about, while listening to songs (in the above mentioned site) and reading a post (the ‘someone’ shared the link to the post – What others leave for you to keep). It talks about relationships, the role people play in our lives. And it struck me – all that I was doing was somehow connected to this someone. The song, the article, the thought. And I knew I should be blogging about this.

About how people come into your life. And leave, someday, sooner or later. When they leave, you retain a bit of them; you know they have changed your life. Sometimes, when someone steps into your life, you know they are bound to leave. Yet you let them become a seamless part of your days. You make it difficult for yourself to let go, to let them leave.

I’ve made some new friends. And the best one (among them) has chosen to leave, already. We no longer have awesome conversations or share experiences. The friendship we had has come down to occasional smiles and random greetings, sometimes extending into a “How are you?” I can’t explain how it happened, but it did. Perhaps, the person was meant to leave, and all I can do is let go. Let go of a person who has touched me in ways beyond comprehension. But then, when you think about it…maybe people leave to make way for others to enter your life.

I don’t know when this ‘someone’ will step out of my life. For now, I love the bond we share. The links. The words. The music. The thoughts.

Physics, English & Roots

As time moves on, we tend to forget the causes and reasons which made us what we are today – experiences that taught us valuable lessons, people who influenced us in significant or trivial ways. Of course, we may not completely forget them. But as we move from one phase to another, we leave behind a considerable lot. And we don’t always look back to think of what made us what we are now. They become fond but distant memories…

A couple of days ago, I met a handful of people who played a remarkable role in having molded me into the person I am. Even without being personally close to me, they have had a very deep impact on my thoughts, likes, dislikes and perceptions.

Kiran is here in RAK. We met up on Saturday. I had a great time with her…talking nonsense, joking around and catching up with each other. She is one person with whom I can (comfortably) alternate between being stupid and sensible…and utterly stupid, again. And know I will never be judged. That day, we made plans to go to school the next morning.

🙂

As decided, we reached school sometime in the afternoon. I had gone there last month with Saba and some other friends. But this was a different experience. I did have to face some probing (and irritating)  questions about what I’m going to do next. Nothing new there, of course. Atleast it wasn’t as bad as I had expected.

Anyway, Kiran and I met only a select few teachers – those we really like and share a good relationship with (ruling out a couple of exceptions whom we had to meet). All the teachers we met were genuinely happy to see us and we spent some ‘quality’ time with them. While each teacher asked Kiran about her course, college and stuff, I was lost in some thoughts.

It’s been 3 years since we passed out of school. We have changed to a certain extent, be it physically or otherwise. But the teachers we met looked the same, and spoke to us with the same intimacy as before. It was almost as if time hadn’t passed, as far as our bond with these teachers was concerned. Looking at them, seeing their love and happiness, I realized how I grew into the person I am.

I love Science, Physics in particular. I wouldn’t say I know a lot about it, but I love it like hell, and try to learn more about the subject. I met the teacher who is the reason for this love (I hated Physics until 9th grade). She taught us Physics in 9th and 11th grades. She is an amazing teacher, takes a lot of effort to make sure the students have understood the portion taught… The way she explains the concepts, laws, theories and stuff led me to see that Physics could explain a lot of things in life, things that I had overlooked as normal or having/needing no explanation. And then, there was another teacher who taught us Physics in 10th and during the first few months of 11th grade. I admit his classes could get super-boring. But I adored him, absolutely ADORED him! And that just led me to love the subject with added fervour. I met him also, while at school. He is still the same…almost made me wish I could sit in his class, once more. Seeing both of them made me realize how and why I began loving what I love… It was something like going back to  my roots.

I also met the English teacher who taught us in 10th and 12th (and took some

Note the pun! 😛 This was a poster put up in one of the classes; found it while checking for some school photos.

random classes in 11th, I think). I wouldn’t say she is my favourite English teacher, but yes, she is someone I really like. She isn’t the one who made me fall in love with language (English, specifically), writing, poetry, imagery and words. But I did enjoy her classes a lot; they were fun (= some yawning, crazy jokes, lots of mimicking)! 😛 And she did teach me English…which means atleast a part of what I know right now is due to her efforts. But what highlights her in my memory is something else. She taught us Ode To The West Wind in 10th grade. Since then, it has been a favourite poem of mine. Even after so many more having been added to the list.

Seeing those teachers was like going back in time (especially since they didn’t look very different). So…what I’m trying to say is…sometimes, we forget how we began liking something, who/what influenced a certain habit of ours or basically, how we grew to be what we are right now. Going back in time helps reconnect with those reasons, those roots. And why that is necessary? No, I guess it isn’t necessary. But there could be times when you lose touch with who you are, how you got so far… The roots will keep you alive, and help you grow into who you want to be. 🙂

 

The Stranger in My Life

I’m in a live-in relationship. With a stranger. No, don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s a boyfriend. Nor is it a girlfriend. Just a stranger. Someone I live with, someone slightly beyond a roommate. Which is why I call it a live-in relationship and not sharing the same room.

We don’t talk much, just casual comments once in a while or if I get lucky, we might have a quarrel, yell at each other. That’s the maximum level of conversation between us. Not even a decent talk. We don’t know much about each other, what’s happening with the other, each other’s friends, lives, worlds… In fact, we are not a part of each other’s worlds.

Kinda like how it is now…

We stay under the same roof, sleep in the same room…yet, we are strangers to each other. I am not trying to exaggerate when I use the word ‘strangers’. I mean it. There is no other word to describe what we are. Because we aren’t even close enough to be called friends or acquaintances.

She was someone I used to know, though that feels like long ago. Someone who knew me inside out; someone whom I knew so well, too. We used to have endless talks about everything, literally everything… So many evenings of senseless prattling, late-night movies, going out together… She knew everything that was going on with me, and I was  the one person she confided in. Like BFFs – best friends forever. Hah! Only, forever didn’t last for long!

I don’t know when that bond started fading off. But fade off it definitely did. I’d put most of the blame on the distance and the fact that she had new people in her life to replace me. Anyway, by the time I noticed the changes, it was too late. I did try, in whatever way I could, to regain the bond we once had. But just when I think things are getting better, she would prove me wrong. As if trying to tell me, indirectly, that we’ll never be the same. And so, now, I’m living with a stranger. Who used to be a hell lot more for me. Whom I miss like hell!

 

Down. And I Don’t Know Why!

Yesterday, I was almost about to blog about this. But then, I thought it would be too emotional, too personal. After all, this is a blog, not my personal diary. I know this will be read by so many others and I wouldn’t want them to get bored with TMI about my emotions. So, I stopped myself from it. But today, I was checking out other blogs using the WordPress Reader, in an attempt to find some thread to blog about. While deciding which one to pick first, I saw the first few lines of a blog post. It sounded SO much (read: SO SO SO SO much) like what I was going through and I immediately knew I’d connect to it.

I read it. I loved it! I can’t tell you how much. I know it will seem negative and depressing to most of you, but I loved it because I know what the blogger is going through; because I echo everything she has said in the post. I don’t know if it’s mean to say this (I already told this to the blogger, anyway) but it felt comforting, in a lot of ways, to know that I’m not alone in my weird situation, that there is someone else going through the very same. Reading that post did quite a lot to lift my spirits a tiny bit higher. 🙂 I’m so glad she (the blogger) decided to post it, even though it was way too personal. Thank you so much, hastywords. This is the post I’ve been talking about, the post that inspired me to write the one I’m writing now – Mess In A Dress.

So, after reading that post, I’ve decided that I can blog about what I’m going through. The fact that someone else has already done it gave me courage. But apart from that, I also realized that there may be others out there who are feeling the same as me and I might be able to reach out to them, give them a little comfort, and let them know they aren’t alone. I know some of you will get bored…it’s going to be depressing for some. I suggest you turn back now, if you think you don’t want to deal with this (like you don’t have enough of your own, right?). Now (assuming there’s no one crazy enough to continue reading), I guess I’m free to ramble on to myself (love talking to myself!).

Well, I’ve been feeling so weirdly down, disturbed, confused and irritated for the past few days. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my usual spat of down-time. Whatever it is, I hate it! There’s this good friend of mine who has been asking me what the reason is, trying to help me as much as he can… How can he possibly help me when I don’t know the reason myself? It is frustrating when you know that you’re hurting your loved ones, and you can’t seem to do anything to stop it. I want to try to open up, but can’t seem to get the words out. It’s all there in my head, just can’t seem to bring it out (though it seems to be working over here!). How do I tell someone that I’m disturbed but don’t know why?

I don’t feel like doing anything, talking to anyone; nothing seems to make sense right now. I know I have so many loving souls around me, yet I can’t feel happy. I’ve tried figuring out why but haven’t got an answer yet. It’s surprising, though, how I can’t talk about this to any of my close friends but can tell it out so publicly here on a freaking blog!

Exactly, baby! You’re so right!

Well, so…that’s my problem. I’m disturbed, feeling so low and frustrated but I don’t know why. I feel almost suffocated by the overload of distress in me. I feign a happiness I don’t feel, I smile and talk pleasantly while inside, there’s this immense heaviness pulling me down, tearing me apart from within.

I’m not expecting any of you to flood me with comforting comments or anything. Hell, I don’t even expect you to read this! I suppose this was just an attempt to let out what’s in my head, what’s been there for quite a few days now. And if anyone reading this is experiencing the same down-time: “Hey there, I know how you feel. But I guess it’s ok. They say there’s a brighter side to everything. Maybe we should just stick together (all of us depressed souls) until we get to that side.”

 

P.S: I’m already feeling kinda better. 🙂