Silence, Voice, Clouds

Not so long ago, there was a time when I felt smothered by the voices all around me. And I felt I couldn’t find my own voice amidst all the commotion. Last day, I had an experience which was exactly opposite to the other.

Sometime towards the end of the day at work, I was feeling really dull and drained. I needed a break, very badly. So, I stepped out of the office. The window right outside my office opens up onto a mini-balcony (or something like that). I go out there, at times, to watch the rain or, like today, to take a break. There was a colleague standing near the window, looking outside. I spoke to him for a few minutes, someone else came by and he moved onto another conversation. All the while, even when I was talking, I wasn’t really paying attention to the person or the talk.

I was looking around, taking in the sights with an intensity that surprised me. There were a lot of dark clouds, signifying impending rain. I spent a long time looking at the buildings around, the clouds, the people on the road, the clouds, the greenery in the distance, the clouds, the sky. Mostly the clouds. I watched this guy, on the street below, crossing the road, weaving his way through the evening rush of vehicles. It reminded me of a maze; I smiled when he found his way out at the other end. Somehow, it didn’t seem as life-threatening as it really is.

Tired of looking at the buildings around, I lifted my gaze up to the sky, the clouds. I took my own time, admiring the breathtaking shades of grey and white in the clouds, enjoying the slight breeze. I wondered if I would get drenched, on the way home from work. A lot of thoughts passed through my mind. Meaningful lines I had read in a book, people in my life, words spoken, incidents, so many thoughts. I thought of how I could feel a happiness and peace that had been lacking in the past two weeks. I reflected on the reason for this new-found joy.

After spending some time, lost in thoughts, when I came back to my senses, I realized that I had been having a quiet talk with my inner voice. Inspite of all the noise (vehicle horns blaring, colleagues talking, blah blah), I had found a calm silence within. I could hear my inner voice so clearly, feel a silence that conquered the noise around me. This is what I meant when I said that I had gone through an experience completely opposite to the one mentioned in the earlier post. I found an amazing sense of inner calm and clarity of voice, even while surrounded by commotion. And it’s like I’ve found myself all over again, learning to listen to my thoughts over the clamour of others’. After all, awesome things happen to awesome people! [Since I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing, I got a colleague to take some photos of the cloudy sky. Hope you like them.]

So, have you ever lost and/or found your voice? And do you feel fascinated by clouds? 🙂 Happy weekend, people!

 

Cruel Twists

I had wanted to blog today morning, but got busy with work. In fact, I got this thought while brushing my teeth, and since then, I’ve been thinking of writing it out. While walking to work, I thought about it, mentally jotting down what all I wanted to write about. Surprisingly, I got another touching thought after I reached office. I did try to write it out, but got busy with work. And that’s again something to talk about! 🙂

So, before I get into the actual thought that triggered this urge to write, let me tell you about a news item I read today morning. If you have noticed, we read a lot of stuff each day; a lot of articles, information and random facts cross our mind. But there are some that stay, that touch your mind enough to make you think! Today morning, while going through some  news updates, I read an article. It wasn’t the first article I read, but it was the first (and the only one, I think) that moved me. Obviously, why else would I be blogging about it?

So, I started my day at work, feeling emotionally moved by this news item. In a country where deaths, accidents, injuries and mishaps play prominent roles in newspapers, this might not be unusually shocking or anything. But when I read it, I kind of imagined myself in her situation, then in her parents’ situation. She was (it feels weird saying ‘was’) my age…and she had got placed in the same company as me (remember the campus interview, the job I decided to let go?). Meaning, I might have met her if life had taken a different road.

Life twists and turns…

She was supposed to be take part in a TV show later this month. It’s easy to say life had other plans for her. But very difficult to come to terms with those plans. Sometimes, life’s twists can be so cruel. This was the one thought that kept ringing in my head, when I started work today morning. Kind of like a reminder that the next moment can be happy, shockingly disastrous or just normal…that all I can do right now is MAKE MOST OF NOW! 🙂

Recurrent (& Insane) Thoughts

I know the sudden disappearing came without warning. But, it was unintended, which is why I never got to warn. 🙂

Anyway, I’m back. I have had an awesome bunch of 5 days at Merlin’s place. It was seriously like a second home. I felt so comfortable and at home. We didn’t exactly do anything much except talk, sleep and talk a lot more. There was one time when we went on talking, late into the night and slept off by 4am or so. Apart from all that, these few days have also brought us closer in a very special way. We got to know a lot more about each other… And guess what? Remember the problems I mentioned about in my previous post? All the worries about not having time and stuff? It’s all solved! I’m so relieved! Just hope nothing new comes up to bring back my worries. 🙂

These past few days haven’t been eventful in the general sense. But, emotionally, they have been truly remarkable. So much has been happening with me…and I’ve been thinking like hell. Thinking A LOT!! And realizing a lot, too; thanks, partly, to Merlin. I’ve been reanalyzing the way I feel for some persons, how I had taken it on until now, so many such thoughts. Not just about people or emotions, but also about future, life and a lot more.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

I’ve been thinking about where I’ll end up. That happens to be something I have always wondered about…yet can’t come up with a satisfying enough possibility in reply. Recently, one of my teachers mailed me saying (among other things) he is waiting for the day when he will see me in a good position, one that I deserve, befitting my talents and abilities. I was touched. But confused. Because I don’t exactly know what position I should end up in. There is so much that I want to do, so I don’t really know what I’d like to end up as. A writer? Yes! A psychologist? Sure (I guess I have never mentioned it but I’ve always loved psychology and wanted to do a lot in it)!! Basically, if you ask me, what I want most is to be someone who has contributed substantially (in my own way) to the world…someone who has made a difference in people’s lives, touched them in some way…someone who has done her part in making the world a happier place. That’s what I want, ultimately. Though, I wonder what kinda ‘position’ that would make me end up in. 🙂

I’ve always loved the thought of having a cause to live for, work for and maybe, fight for. It could be anything. In normal life, I guess it would be something like a particular assignment, some specific work, a project to be completed, anything. I’ve noticed that once I get a particular task to be completed, I put myself into it, fully. My thoughts and efforts seem to be concentrated solely on that task, and I never seem to stray until I complete it properly. That’s exactly what happened with the Class Exhibition thing, last month. But I’m talking about having a cause that’s far higher, beyond trivial tasks and stuff. Like, for instance, I’m fascinated by the lives people must have led during the freedom fighting times. Be it anywhere. Since I’ve learnt specifically about the whole Indian freedom fighting era, I guess I’ll be referring to it. For people of those times, everything they did must have revolved around the concept of attaining freedom. Their lives must have been completely devoted to the cause of freedom…not just for themselves, but for all. Their work, efforts, thoughts, everything was focused on this cause. All of them must have tried to contribute to it, even if it were in a small way. In the end, when the goal was achieved, each Indian must have had the happiness of knowing that they had done their part in this achievement, that it had been their cause, too, however indirectly it may have been.

I’ve always been in love with that thought. The thought of having a cause as strong as that…something that I could focus on, work for and live for. I guess it’s quite impractical in the present world…but, you never know. Or maybe, I could create something of my own to work for. Anyway, this was one thought that kept coming back to mind during the last couple of days.

So, tell me one (or two) recurrent thought(s) that’s been in your mind for the past few days. It can be absolutely anything!