A Not-So-Equal and Opposite Reaction

There’s so much that I want to write about. But, for some reason, I don’t get the words when I try to do it. I get it in my head, at times…while at work, while trying to sleep, at random instances. But rarely when I try to write it out. What disturbs me most about the situation is – it never used to be like this. I could get the words so easily and put my thoughts across in the exact way I wanted.

For a moment, I wondered if I’m losing touch. But no, I think I’ll know it if I lose touch with something so integral to my being. So, I guess it’s probably because whenever I’ve sat down to write, I have been too tired (mentally and physically) to take a substantial effort to write.

It feels so suffocating when you have so much in your mind but cannot bring it out completely. Which is the reason I decided to try writing in the morning, when I’m much more relaxed and alive than during the remaining part of the day.

So, I’m done with the boring job at Dubai. Finally! And now, I’m going to do something that’s been on my wishlist. 🙂

When I came back to RAK, one of the first suggestions I got (in terms of a job opportunity) was to join my school (my alma mater) as a teacher. I was told that I could, probably, teach English or something in one of the lower classes. I was very happy with the idea but kept that as an alternative and continued searching for other opportunities. Which eventually landed me in the boring job.

Since I have had enough of office jobs, I have decided to finally take up the job at school. So, long story short, I’m going to teach! I love teaching. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do although not as a long-term career. Well, I’m excited. Very much. Obviously!

While basking in this excitement, something happened last week. An incident (or rather, a comment) that infuriated me. And, you know, writing is the most effective (and paractical and satisfying) way of taking out anger, for me. Especially when the person on the receiving end is going to be my (recent ex-) boss.

The background situation: I was offered a permanent position at the place where I was working until Thursday. But I turned it down because I wanted to teach.

What happened: It was on Monday. I think. The Boss said, “I had told [the concerned person] that you could work here in the media section but he told me you’re going to teach.”

Me (beaming face): “Yes, sir.”

Boss: “People who don’t want to do anything, teach.”

Me (I don’t know what my expression was, but I think I tried to keep smiling): “Why do you say that, sir?”

Boss: repeats same line. Adds “It’s like that.” (Or something as weird as that)

“Oh, I didn’t want to do anything in life. So, well, I teach. What else would aimless people do?” :-/

And, from that moment, I’ve wanted to tell him a lot of things. When he said it, a lot of emotions crossed my mind – amusement (I wonder why he said that); curiosity (Why would he say something like that?); rage (Why the hell would he say that?); intense hatred (WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?).

I had a lot of respect, admiration and liking for this man. He is intelligent, very much capable, likeable, approachable…all that he should be in order to run a successful company in Dubai. But the comment sort of drained everything I had for him. I’m not judging him, I’m not saying he’s a bad person just because of this statement. He is still a good man. Just that I’ve lost my liking for him, whatever reason he might have to justify what he said. I tried to list out possible reasons, too.

a) He was trying to provoke me, I don’t know what for. Maybe to make me think my decision was stupid.

b) He just likes saying such stuff. You know, kill your happiness.

c) He was trying to discourage me (and ended up enraging me!)

d) That’s what he really thinks

Well, none of the reasons seemed good enough to serve as justification (to me, atleast). So, I have irretrievably lost whatever liking I had for him. And there’s a lot I’d like to tell him (yes, that does mean there’s going to be another post, very very soon).

How was your week? And if you have had similar situations, I’m all ears. Always am. (Even if you just want to go blah blah about something random!) 🙂 

The Question is… To Change Or Not To Change!

I really don’t know what to write about. Nothing has happened during the past few days. Actually, that’s not true. A lot has happened during the last week. But nothing that’s blog-material. I’ve been through a few disturbing incidents and am feeling quite low. I just hope the down-time isn’t back! 😦

Recently, I got to know something that a couple of my friends said about me to a mutual friend. They said that I have changed (sounds a lot like new information!). They think I have become less serious, less concerned about the future and other issues. The way they put it was: “Earlier, we could approach her for solutions to problems or intellectual stuff…But now, all she says is ‘Big deal/Leave it, man…blah blah’.” To be honest, I felt kinda hurt when my friend told me that. Hurt because they couldn’t understand me or accept me the way I am. But then, when I thought about it, I realized that I can’t blame them. They haven’t understood me, because they don’t know me. Yes, I have changed, like I explained in detail in an earlier post. So, maybe they cannot accept the way I am now. But I have changed for good. I have become more myself, now, more true to the person I am…and more importantly, I am what I want to be. I love the way I have changed, I love what I am now. So, if they think the ‘earlier-me’ was better and want me to change back to it, they mean to say they can’t accept me the way I am. This is me, this is what I am. Earlier, there were instances when I had to suppress this ‘true-me’ because I was just beginning to get comfortable with everyone and needed to accustom myself to everything. Now that I’m comfortable, I have, slowly, begun to come out of the shell and be more of myself. And that has, apparently, disturbed some friends who happen to stick to conventional ways of behaving (and believe everyone else should do the same). That just proves they cannot love me for who I really am. I don’t blame them. But I want them to know that this is me, and I’m not going to change it just because you can’t understand it. I’m so happy with the fact that I have begun to be myself, and I love it too much to let go of it for some people who don’t see who I am. They see what they want me to be. Sorry, guys. But you have to live with it.

Sort of what I'd like to tell all those out there!

About the change you are referring to…Yes, I have changed. But in a way I’ve loved and enjoyed. Being yourself involves knowing who you are, discovering yourself, being comfortable with it and letting it out. And that is exactly what I have done. It has been a beautiful journey – the one of being myself. I loved all the realizations that happened on the way, all that I learnt about myself. It’s all been such a great experience and I feel SUPER-GOOD, now that I’m being true to myself. Yes, I don’t worry too much about anything now. I admit I have my own issues bothering me, tormenting me when I’m alone. But I don’t let them ruin my happiness for long. I have realized that there’s no use worrying about something you can’t change. I am concerned about my future. But not in a way that I’ll spend hours fretting about what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do. I have a very good idea of what I want and I’ll do what I can to get there. What good is it going to do, right now, if I sit and torment myself, thinking about it? I admit, there used to be a time when I did that. But I have learnt that it does no good. Only outcome would be that I’ll be left in a depressed, confused and frustrated state of mind (precisely because I can’t do anything).

So, I stopped bothering too much about things that are out of my control. And also about problems that come up in day-to-day life. I have noticed that when a problem occurs, it gets solved after a while. Either by itself (by some natural miracle or something :P) or somehow someone (mostly myself) comes up with a solution. But I always used to worry myself to death over each small, silly or serious problem that came up. Until recently, when I started realizing the futility of the whole thing. Problems come and go. You can’t stop them by brooding over them. So, I stopped being over-depressed by them. When a problem comes my way, I do get disturbed. I won’t say I stay all cool and composed. I might spend some

Don't waste your life worrying over trifles

time pondering over it, trying to figure out what to do, how to get out of the mess. Mostly, it goes on for a day or so, depending on the magnitude/seriousness of the issue. But I tell myself there must be some way out. And sometime, sooner or later, I do find it and move on. Problem solved! So, where’s the need for all that unnecessary lot of despair? And that’s why I try to tell my friends that the problem may seem all huge and terrible…but once you calm yourself and believe that you can get through it, you will know that it’s no big deal…

So, I tell you not to worry so much/not make something a big deal/something in those lines because it’s no use doing all that. Just let it be. If you look at it positively, it’s not always that you get problems (I can already see some furious faces :D). You know it won’t stay forever. When you stop bothering so much, you will find a lot more peace of mind…and that almost always helps in coming up with a solution! Now, you know why I changed and how it happened. I’m going to be this way, for I love myself. Don’t expect me to change back to what I was, what you liked. With all due respect, I’d suggest you go find someone else (someone who doesn’t have an identity or a life for himself) for that kinda thing.

I can’t believe I actually wrote so much. And here I thought I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Well, I guess I write best when I’m provoked! 🙂