How A Soliloquy (nearly) Saved My Blog from Becoming Extinct

I realize that it has been a long time since I blogged. Some of my closest friends did ask about it and urged me to resume blogging (Once, Kiran told me I shouldn’t get used to NOT blogging. But then, I think that’s what happened, eventually). The problem was not lack of will or desire. I wanted to blog, yes. But I lacked the inspiration – that uncanny sense and ability to string together words and form a sentence, and to create a bunch of sentences like that, which make sense, ultimately. I got away with that “excuse” for a long time. Until I had to give an answer to myself. The conversation with myself went something like this:

Why are you not blogging?

Because I don’t find the inspiration for it. 

Is that reason enough for not doing something you enjoyed so much?

Well…

Did you never have thoughts that were worth blogging about?

Hell, yes, I did!

Then why did you never do it?

I don’t know…I just didn’t feel that urge to sit down and put those thoughts into words. 

Did you try?

No. 

Did you try to find the inspiration somewhere?

Umm..not really, but, at times, yes. 

And…?

Well…(clears throat)…All I can say is that what I found wasn’t enough. 

Do you even realize how stupid that sounds?

Yes. 

Without ever genuinely trying to find inspiring thoughts or using what you found or even trying to write something, how can you blame everything on the lack of inspiration?

Ok, maybe I was also lazy.

Makes sense. Do you know that you have a responsibility to yourself, to do what you love and enjoy? The responsibility to do what you’re passionate about? Because that’s the only way you will ever contribute anything!

Yes, I know that.

Great! Now that you have come clean and knocked some sense into your head, please get down to doing what you do best. And no, I don’t mean lazing around!

* * * * * * *

And that conversation is what brought me here, to this page, after so long. I love talking to myself. I do it at random instances but most often when I’m in extreme moods (extremely angry, happy or sad). And it always helps me clear my head in a way nothing else does. Whenever I’ve spoken to myself, I’ve always come out of the mood with some thought that was powerful enough to make an impact. And I love the fact that I have the power to change my state of mind. 🙂

When I started off with this post, I had no idea about what to write. I just wanted to start with it, just try to do it instead of complaining. And I must say I’m very glad with the outcome. Even though it’s really nothing more than a pointless, stupid conversation with myself. Now, all I need to do is make sure that I don’t fall back into the ‘Lazy Mode’ and leave this space to gather dust until the next time I get some sense into my head. *Fingers crossed*

Silence, Voice, Clouds

Not so long ago, there was a time when I felt smothered by the voices all around me. And I felt I couldn’t find my own voice amidst all the commotion. Last day, I had an experience which was exactly opposite to the other.

Sometime towards the end of the day at work, I was feeling really dull and drained. I needed a break, very badly. So, I stepped out of the office. The window right outside my office opens up onto a mini-balcony (or something like that). I go out there, at times, to watch the rain or, like today, to take a break. There was a colleague standing near the window, looking outside. I spoke to him for a few minutes, someone else came by and he moved onto another conversation. All the while, even when I was talking, I wasn’t really paying attention to the person or the talk.

I was looking around, taking in the sights with an intensity that surprised me. There were a lot of dark clouds, signifying impending rain. I spent a long time looking at the buildings around, the clouds, the people on the road, the clouds, the greenery in the distance, the clouds, the sky. Mostly the clouds. I watched this guy, on the street below, crossing the road, weaving his way through the evening rush of vehicles. It reminded me of a maze; I smiled when he found his way out at the other end. Somehow, it didn’t seem as life-threatening as it really is.

Tired of looking at the buildings around, I lifted my gaze up to the sky, the clouds. I took my own time, admiring the breathtaking shades of grey and white in the clouds, enjoying the slight breeze. I wondered if I would get drenched, on the way home from work. A lot of thoughts passed through my mind. Meaningful lines I had read in a book, people in my life, words spoken, incidents, so many thoughts. I thought of how I could feel a happiness and peace that had been lacking in the past two weeks. I reflected on the reason for this new-found joy.

After spending some time, lost in thoughts, when I came back to my senses, I realized that I had been having a quiet talk with my inner voice. Inspite of all the noise (vehicle horns blaring, colleagues talking, blah blah), I had found a calm silence within. I could hear my inner voice so clearly, feel a silence that conquered the noise around me. This is what I meant when I said that I had gone through an experience completely opposite to the one mentioned in the earlier post. I found an amazing sense of inner calm and clarity of voice, even while surrounded by commotion. And it’s like I’ve found myself all over again, learning to listen to my thoughts over the clamour of others’. After all, awesome things happen to awesome people! [Since I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing, I got a colleague to take some photos of the cloudy sky. Hope you like them.]

So, have you ever lost and/or found your voice? And do you feel fascinated by clouds? 🙂 Happy weekend, people!