New Girl in the City

Any time there’s a major change, whether it’s going into a relationship, getting out of a relationship, moving to a new city, a death – that usually provides a catalyst for an explosion of creativity.
– Lucinda Williams

So, the major change, in my case, might not have led to an ‘explosion of creativity’, but, I’m feeling a lot better than when I wrote the previous post. Well, inspite of my lack of interest, I took up this utterly boring front-desk job at an advertising agency in Dubai. The motivating factors? The thought of moving to a new city, meeting new people, exploring new opportunities, going through new experiences. And that’s how the move to Dubai happened. I work 5 days a week and come home to RAK for the weekend.

Even though my job is boring and least challenging, I like the fact that I have a lot of time on hand. I spend most of my time online, reading blog posts & news articles or replying to some mails. While the youngsters at my office aren’t very welcoming or friendly (in fact, hardly any of them talk to me), the older ones are quite friendly. It’s kind of weird; maybe, they just need time to accept me. Anyway, for now, all I need to keep me going is the prospect of exploring the new city and the experiences it has to offer. The absence of a good friend to talk to or confide in can be overlooked, I suppose. Atleast for now.

After moving in to a comfortable place to stay (with some friendly, sweet people for roommates), my first challenge was finding my way around, to and from work. You will be able to understand the horror of the situation, if you know how terrible my sense of direction is. I had to travel by metro (for the first time) and the first time I reached office by myself, I felt this intense sense of achievement. Like I had done something. Definitely not something difficult or unattainable;but something new, which is what matters to me, after all.

Of course, there’s the foot ache, slight neck pain (from sitting in front of the computer for too long) and the constant feeling of disorientation and being lost. Yet, at the threshold of each new experience, I sense a burst of zeal, because I’ve been yearning for it.ย Inspite of being a stranger, I love the way the city welcomes me, without being too intimidating. The people I’ve come across have been extremely helpful, even if it meant sacrificing a few minutes of their busy schedule.

Now, I have time for everything. Even with the 8-hour job, the travelling and everything, I have time to write, to read and time for myself.ย Maybe I had to have these new, strange experiences to get myself back to normal. And, of course, that would inevitably mean: more to blog about! ๐Ÿ™‚

Kind of what I look like at work, minus the nail file, of course! ๐Ÿ˜€

Strangers Breed Homesickness

Most of my friends were really happy after reading the previous post. Maybe I should write more of those – happy, chirpy posts.

Just now, while chatting with Ann, she asked me why I wasn’t posting anything. I told her I didn’t know what to write and I didn’t want to post nonsense. She, being far cleverer than me, pointed out that our mind is never devoid of thoughts, that all I had to do was pick one, write about it. And then, it struck me – she is right! There are such a lot of thoughts in my head. Now, when I sat down to blog, all the thoughts came rushing into my mind. And I don’t know what to write about.

Ann was telling me about how I used to post everyday, once upon a time…and how she used to love it. Well, I miss those times, too. Those were times when I used to stay back at the college lab until 8pm just so that I could blog in peace. Times when I couldn’t go a single day without blogging (which was kinda bad on you readers, since you had to read all the bullshit I came up with).

I think I’ve gone down a notch in terms of confidence, because you need a hell lot of confidence to write shit and publish it for the whole world to see. And now, when I think of doing that, I hear this voice in my head pulling me back, telling me I should not do anything that could make my readers hate me. You know what? I’m done listening to the stupid voice. Because, more than pleasing readers, I’m here to write, find happiness in it and just be myself. So, I took a decision. I’m not going to try too hard to please anyone, I’m just going to write/blog and be happy. Makes sense, right? ย ๐Ÿ™‚

There are times when I miss college very badly. More than the place, I miss the experience of having familiar faces all around. I knew people, they knew me. There’s a certain sense of comfort when you’re surrounded by people you know, finding some familiar faces everywhere. Like there’s always someone or the other you can go to, you are not alone (unless you want to be). That’s something I miss about college.

Over here, I see so many strangers while walking to and from work. I meet so many strangers at work. Strangers I’m getting closer to. But strangers, nonetheless. And it gets really distressing, sometimes. You don’t know if you can open up, trust or be yourself with someone. After a certain point, you get tired of being careful, and wish you could let your guard down. You long to see a face you know, a face that would beam with recognition on seeing you. I’m going through that phase right now. The initial excitement of being at a new place, meeting new people and all that has subsided (begun to, actually), giving way to the homesickness that I had been ignoring all this while.

I miss people, being around people I know. I miss my family. I miss places, knowing where to go, seeing familiar places & spots. I know it will pass. Until then, I just have to deal with it. ๐Ÿ™‚

Have you ever experienced anything of this sort? If yes, how did you get over it?ย 

Wish I Had Nothing To Do :P

I think I’ve caught a cold. Even though I don’t mind it much, I hope it goes off very soon.

Yesterday was kinda weird. I was confused, sad, disturbed but happy in some ways. Last night, while chatting with Ann, I was feeling so low and wasn’t saying anything much. And then, she wrote out this quote: “Stand tall, smile bright, and let them wonder what secret’s making you laugh!” Surprisingly, it’s from Angels & Demons (one of my top favourite books) and I didn’t know it. She made my day and I tried to go to sleep with a lighter heart. And well, today was a better day. Although I did get bored at work!

Janet is coming over tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m really excited. Initially, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so happy. But then, today I understood. During the past one week or so, I’ve been amidst a lot of strangers. I did become good friends with some but, at the end of the day, you can’t deny the fact that they are strangers (who are 1 week old, for me). And after being with strangers for so long, tomorrow I’m going to see someone I know, someone I’m very much familiar with. The mere thought is so exciting! ๐Ÿ™‚ย So, I guess I have a great weekend coming up.

Today, while going through a magazine, I read this line – ‘Do nothing planned this weekend… Read, listen to music, stay quiet, watch

Miss this so badly… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

the rain…‘ It was such a tempting idea…sounds exactly like the kind of thing I want to do! It’s been a while since I got time to do something like that – do nothing. Maybe it’s just because the whole situation is new to me, and I need to get used to it, find time for other stuff. As much as I enjoy work, I do miss lazing around and being able to do nothing. Hah! Knowing me, before long, I’ll be talking about how I’m bored of having nothing to do! ๐Ÿ˜€

The Stranger in My Life

I’m in a live-in relationship. With a stranger. No, don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s a boyfriend. Nor is it a girlfriend. Just a stranger. Someone I live with, someone slightly beyond a roommate. Which is why I call it a live-in relationship and not sharing the same room.

We don’t talk much, just casual comments once in a while or if I get lucky, we might have a quarrel, yell at each other. That’s the maximum level of conversation between us. Not even a decent talk. We don’t know much about each other, what’s happening with the other, each other’s friends, lives, worlds… In fact, we are not a part of each other’s worlds.

Kinda like how it is now…

We stay under the same roof, sleep in the same room…yet, we are strangers to each other. I am not trying to exaggerate when I use the word ‘strangers’. I mean it. There is no other word to describe what we are. Because we aren’t even close enough to be called friends or acquaintances.

She was someone I used to know, though that feels like long ago. Someone who knew me inside out; someone whom I knew so well, too. We used to have endless talks about everything, literally everything… So many evenings of senseless prattling, late-night movies, going out together… She knew everything that was going on with me, and I was ย the one person she confided in. Like BFFs – best friends forever. Hah! Only, forever didn’t last for long!

I don’t know when that bond started fading off. But fade off it definitely did. I’d put most of the blame on the distance and the fact that she had new people in her life to replace me. Anyway, by the time I noticed the changes, it was too late. I did try, in whatever way I could, to regain the bond we once had. But just when I think things are getting better, she would prove me wrong. As if trying to tell me, indirectly, that we’ll never be the same. And so, now, I’m living with a stranger. Who used to be a hell lot more for me. Whom I miss like hell!


Writer’s Block Strikes!!!

I know I have been away for a couple of days. And, honestly, I have no idea why (I know that sounds super-dumb!). I think I’m experiencing a bout of writer’s block. Because, last day, when I tried to write in my diary, I couldn’t do it. Not in a satisfying way, I mean. So, until I snap out of this, do bear with me. ๐Ÿ™‚

On Monday, four of my classmates from school and I had gone to my school. It hasn’t changed much in the way it looks. But almost all the teachers we knew have left. Hardly a handful of our old teachers are left in school, right now. And I bet it won’t be long before they leave as well. Anyway, our favourite teacher is still there. We met him, spoke to him for a while, met a couple of other teachers and then walked ย around for a while.

All the students we knew had passed out after their schooling and we weren’t familiar with any of the ones still in school. Earlier, school meant meeting all those old faces…teachers who had taught us for years, juniors we had known for so long… But now, school has lost that ‘homey’ feeling. There are hardly a few whom we know. All the students, ย right now, are strangers to us. School doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s weird when you walk into your old school and realize that you don’t know anyone over there, all those whom you knew have left. It feels like you have kinda lost that connection with the place.

Anyway, after the time at school, the 5 of us went out and spent some time together. I wouldn’t really say it was fun but, yes, I did enjoy the time. Moreover, that day, I had been feeling ย really low since morning. So, the change and the time with them did me a world of good! ๐Ÿ™‚ I came back home, all happy and feeling great! ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve had some (quite) profound realizations and thoughts over the past two days. And I wanted to blog about them. But thanks to my awesome writer’s block, I couldn’t get around to doing it! I promise I’ll do it soon. How soon, I have no idea! ๐Ÿ˜€

Have I Dreamt of You before?

Today, early morning (sometime around 3am or so, I believe) I saw this very intriguing dream. The first half seemed new to me, as in, I knew (quite certainly) that I was seeing it for the first time. There was someone with me, I can’t recollect who it was, though. She (I’m sure it was a ‘she’) was saying something about patterns we can make on the sand (the location was a beach, at night) and then, moved onto say something about her artwork. Next thing I see is something weirdly familiar. And then, it struck me that I had seen this dream before. I saw this child (I think it was me, though I don’t remember for sure) holding a kind of painting and without anything being explained, I knew that it was a painting her father had given her before dying. I could remember ‘scenes’ from the first version of the dream and that’s how I understood this detail of the dream. I woke up just then, because the thought was so surprising that it pulled me out of sleep.

I could not remember seeing this dream before but I was absolutely certain that I had. I found that very weird. I keep seeing such dreams – completely like a story or a movie, with a proper plot, ending and everything – and another weird thing is, I see the same dream or the same story very often, like every now and then. I have this habit of writing down my most vivid dreams in as much detail as I can. And I have written accounts of a few dreams like this…a story completely made up by my overactive, sleepless mind. Today, when I woke up in the middle of the night (early morning, to be precise), I lay awake for a while, wondering what my mind was trying to convey with dreams like the one I had just seen. Maybe it’s giving me ideas for a story (I keep complaining I don’t have ideas for a proper story), maybe it’s just a random work of imagination. I really have no idea but I sure want to find out.

Coming back to today’s experience, after some thinking, I went back to sleep. Right at the moment I closed my eyes, half-asleep already, I saw this image of a guy and I somehow instinctively knew he was a ‘bad guy’. I pushed away the image and tried to sleep. And again, I saw another image, a different guy. But this time, my instincts told me he was someone special, someone important for me. Again, it intrigued me so much that I gave up trying to sleep (atleast for a while) and went back to thinking. I don’t know either of the guys I saw, and I don’t know if I ever will get to know them or see them. But I began wondering: I see so many strangers, unknown faces, in my dreams. Could there really be a person like that, somewhere in this world? Will I, some day, happen to meet them? How would it be like – meeting someone you have dreamt of? And what if they have dreamt of me, as well?

I don’t know how my mind conjures up all those unknown people for my dreams. Guess I’ve got a cool, imaginative mind, after all. Anyway, so, I finally went back to sleep. And guess what? I saw another ‘serial’ dream, one I have seen so many times; more than twice, definitely. In fact, I know the dream so well that after the first couple of times, I began ‘altering’ (more like bringing on) the end myself! Let me explain. The dream basically features my family – dad, mom, sister and me. But the ‘mom’ character in the dream isn’t my mom in real life. The ‘dad’ in the dream is a bad guy and the ‘mom’ dies somehow because of him (but through some weird way of thoughts or something, she does illustrate a certain method to kill the ‘dad’ guy –ย  something like locking him up in a room and setting it on fire from outside). I have seen the original version of the dream atleast twice, maybe even more – versions with the ‘dad’ guy still living in the end. When I saw it for the third time (assuming I had seen it only twice earlier), I remembered how the ‘mom’ had shown a way to kill the ‘dad’ guy and I used the idea, killing him myself. I followed the same steps that I remembered from the previous dream and TADAAA…happy ending! When I start seeing this dream, after a while, I think “I have seen this before…and I can use this plan to kill this guy because I saw it in the same dream last time”. What I’m trying to say is, the whole thing (remembering I have seen it before, borrowing the idea from the previous dream, carrying it out) happens within a dream!! I don’t know if you understood anything, but I was dumbstruck when I finished thinking about this.

I saw this very same dream for ‘God-knows-how-many-th’ time today… This time, my mind improvised it (to eliminate the element of repetition and boredom, perhaps). There was a neighbour visiting on the night I was supposed to kill the ‘dad’… I was supposed to lock him in a room; there was a cloth wedged in between (new addition), which I pulled out right at the last moment and this time, I had to take some effort to lock the door. But anyway, I got a happy ending again! This dream is one I have seen very often (as already said) but I NEVER remembered it when I woke up…until today!!!

I don’t know why I see such dreams so repetitively. It’s weird and I want to know why it happens. If anyone out there has an answer, do let me know. Anyhow, today was a relatively boring, unremarkable day (apart from the singularity of the dreams :D). Today, I had thought I would write something that comes into my mind at random. But when I woke up, I knew I wanted to blog about the dreams I saw. I can’t wait to laze around the whole weekend, reading or sleeping or just doing nothing! ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy weekend to you all!! Dream away!!! ๐Ÿ™‚