* Christmassy thoughts *… :)

Last day, one of my friends, Anju, told me that she read my blog and loved it so much that she keeps going back to it very often. And let me confess, she is the last person I expected to read my blog, let alone love it. So, I was really touched and happy…because I could reach out to someone like her. She is so not into reading and definitely not while she is online and has a million other things she could do. 🙂 She really liked my thoughts on uncertainty and it did lift her spirits. But now, she is back to being confused again. Back to feeling disturbed because she has no clue about what to do next. I can understand her emotions because I have gone through the very same situation. Right now, everything may seem foggy and blurred (to her and all those in the same situation). But someday soon, there will be this amazing moment of clarity when you will realize what exactly you would like to do in life. It will come when you least expect it, something like a jolt. So, till it strikes you, try to move on and have hope…for you are sure to find your way in life. And by the way, it is perfectly ok to make mistakes once in a while. It helps you understand what is right, apart from being a learning experience. 😀

December has arrived. And along with it has set in the wonderfully familiar season of Christmas. Right from childhood, Christmas has been my favourite time of the year. I love the cold mornings, occasional drizzle, cool evenings and the whole feel of Christmas that seems to be instilled in the air. I love the Christmas decorations hanging in shop windows, trees being put up and decorated, the cakes :D, the Christmas carols (LOVE THEM!!!), people walking around with a smile, families getting together to celebrate and experiencing the feeling of togetherness that I consider to be an inevitable part of Christmas. There are so many memories associated with this season that endear it to me all the more. The Christmas carol practice as part of Junior Church (kinda like the Sunday School), gifts, meeting up with cousins, decorating the house, so many fond memories. And with New Year just a week away, you can’t help feeling spirited! 🙂 Although, this time, I don’t think Christmas will be the same since I’m away from home, away from my family. I miss them all so badly…especially since this is a time I have always spent with them! Let’s just hope it turns out to be good. 🙂

Anyway, keeping aside all my worries about how Christmas will turn out to be, I’m still kind of surprised when I think about the fact that the year has gone by so damn fast! It’s already December. And I can still remember 1st January of this year, as if it were just yesterday. Time does fly… At times, it is pretty scary but I guess we should just look forward and welcome the gifts life has in store for us and not keep looking back at the past that we will never be able to retrieve (yeah, unless you get hold of a real time machine!). So, wish you all a great time ahead. Have fun…! 🙂

In love with…UNCERTAINTY!!! :D

As I near the end of my course, one question I have been repeatedly facing is about what I’m planning to do next. It is a question I have come to dread. I find myself at a loss to give a proper answer to it. Of course, I can explain better to those of my age group. They will surely understand the confusion I feel, the indecision I experience. But how do I tell all the others (read : grown-ups, relatives or mere acquaintances) that I haven’t really decided, that I don’t know? Another reason for my hatred towards the question is the barrage of suggestions I get from these people: “Why don’t you go for CA?”… “You should take MBA in Finance/Marketing/whatever!”… “M.Com is the best!”…blah blah… I hate that whole talk about scope, job security and everything. I wonder why people just don’t ask me what I’ll be happy doing…or better still, why don’t they just let me decide and live my life?

Of course, how could I forget? Here (particularly, Kerala) if people have one constant business, it is minding (more correctly, poking their nose into) others’ business. I’m amazed at their untiring, enthusiastic efforts in this matter. Not that it affects me much…I don’t let others change my decisions. Anyway, this post is something like an answer to all out there who are so eager (whether genuinely or not) to know what I’m going to do next. 🙂

Around a month or so ago, I was extremely disturbed. Everyone around me kept asking what I’m planning to do after my course and I had no definite answer. It worried me that I had no plan, no idea about what to do. Even though some friends assured me that it was ok to feel this way, that they were all going through the same, it did nothing to pacify me. Then, I approached a teacher at my college. He seemed very friendly and kind of like the person who could understand my predicament and help me out. So, I had this talk with him. And guess what he told me? No, he didn’t guide me to choose something or advise about the best possible courses. He asked me…to enjoy the uncertainty I’m facing! Yes, as simple as that!! He convinced me that this stage in life is something I won’t be able to retrieve later on…that this is a time when everything in life is open to me, and I can do what I want. He told me to enjoy this phase of indecision because I can afford to do so! I loved the thought. I had never seen it that way. I was amazed by what he said…something so simple as enjoy what I’m going through! There is a certain unwritten rule in our society that we should always have a clear-cut idea of what we want to do in life, where to go next (in terms of career, mainly). The talk made me realize that it is not necessary to follow that rule…that all you had to follow was your heart!

Later, sometime during last month, I was reading a book named ‘Marrying Anita’ by Anita Jain. In it, the protagonist leads a gypsy-like life, moving from one town to another, never getting too settled anywhere…leaving a place where she has a good home, a decent job and friends…rebuilding the life at another place, new and strange; finding new people and opportunities. That’s exactly the kind of life I want. I know I will have to deal with a lot of loneliness, apart from other problems, but I also know that I will love the sheer thrill of it, and the discovering of a new place, all by myself. I don’t want to find a job, get settled in a place and live there for the rest of my life. I want to try out many different jobs, go to new places, so on. In fact, I don’t think I can or want to stick to a particular job for a whole lifetime. I came up with myriad possibilities, options I’d love to take up. I would love to work in a magazine, pursue writing… or maybe work in a library or bookshop, where I can be around lot of books… or try a little of journalism (I have been thinking a lot in those lines lately)… perhaps, something in the advertising field… or I would LOVE working as a movie/book review writer!! So many such ideas… Thinking of all this, I realized that I could actually do anything I have a longing for. That’s exactly what I wanted…and I’m happy I finally realized it. I’m exactly where I want to be, where I have always wanted to be. Which is nowhere in particular!! Yeah… I can go anywhere from here, choose to do anything I want. New places, jobs, friends…and when I get bored, start all over again. Basically, gather a lot of different, awesome experiences and live life. It was this realization that led me to this happiness. I truly began loving the incertitude that the future held…and couldn’t wait to begin that life. I felt like I had just found the zeal to live! The knowledge that I’m free to guide my life to whichever path I want has given me a deep happiness…something I have rarely felt before.

 

So, now if you ask me what I’m going to do next, I’d tell you: “I don’t really know, not yet at least, and I’m happy about it. Happy because I can decide what I want to do in my own time.” I don’t want to restrict myself to anything. I want to try whatever job that fascinates me, keep moving and experiencing life. That’s what I want to do… Damn! I’m absolutely in LOVE with this uncertainty!! 🙂

PS: To all those out there who are so concerned about my future – I hope I have provided a satisfying response and explanation to your question. 🙂