In the Wake of the Void…

People keep coming into your life. It’s all part of the ride. But then, meetings inevitably lead to partings. And, you know what’s the worst part (atleast, for me) when a person leaves, be it for the time being or for good? The void they leave behind…that inescapable hollow feeling when you sense the empty space in your life that they once occupied. As much as I love being with dear ones, I hate having to confront this void.

As mentioned in the previous post, my sister was here for a few days. She left on Saturday. And I was left face-to-face with a gaping hole that was the remnant of her presence here with me. Coming back to the room, knowing I was going to be by myself all over again…it was hell! Next day, I couldn’t bring myself to go out because I knew I would be reminded of all the times we had passed by those paths in the past few days. So, I stayed in.

Later, sometime at night, I had a talk with Kiran. I was surprised when she mentioned something along the same lines. She said that the worst part about people stepping out of your life was the memories they left behind. All you have to remember them by are those memories. My youngest sister, Ann, also said something similar – “The pain will be there as long as you are surrounded by stuff that reminds you of them.”

I might get over this situation in a couple of days. But it led me to think of all the friends I miss or have lost contact with…friends who have left a void and faded off, the intensity of it diminishing with each passing day yet refusing to disappear completely. And I felt a little lost. Disoriented would be a better word, I suppose. Take a moment and think of every single person who has moved out of your life, whom you miss in your own ways…and you might understandMemories what I’m talking about. Isn’t it disconcerting when you ponder over how much everything has changed, right from the person you are to the people in your life? That’s precisely what I felt when I had this train of thought yesterday.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I miss my sister. I miss some of the people who had been with me at different points in life. Nevertheless, I guess I’ve learnt to live with this emotion and all that it entails (writing helps immensely!).

Considering it’s the end of the year, I thought it would be the right time to put out this post. For everyone who has been/is part of my life, thank you for leaving me with a treasure trove of memories. I miss you in my own way. 🙂

 

[ P.S: For all the assholes who were in my life, the above message isn’t applicable to you. But yeah, thank you..for all the lessons I learnt, the hard way…for being the reason I could recognize your kind, later in life. You’re lucky I’m stopping at that. ]

And…We Meet Again!

Can you imagine what it would be like to meet one of your closest friends with whom you’ve been out of touch for ages? The happiness, excitement, rush of emotions, thoughts, things to say…and a sort of awkwardness because of all the time that has passed by, a silence because you don’t know where to begin or what to say. You realize that after all those years and the distance, you are a different person, and yet, you are still the same person. (Does that even make sense?)

Well,  that is how I feel right now. Like I’ve just come face to face with a dear friend who I had lost contact with. And, I’m kind of fumbling for words, typing out and deleting sentences, wondering if it sounds right…I don’t know what to say, or if what I say makes sense.

I don’t even want to think of how long it has been since I blogged. Of course, there were times (so many times) when I felt guilty, embarrassed, sad or plain disgusted at myself. But I suppose that wasn’t enough. Honestly, I don’t know what brought me here today. But, now that I am here, let’s just leave it at that.

So, to cut the long story short, I’m at a different point in life, a whole new phase…in a new place, around new people. I still feel surprised when I think of how fast time went by. One day, I was teaching and the next day, I find myself in a completely different place. Not a bad place, I should say, even though I miss home and teaching and the kids.

I’ve always loved new experiences, which is exactly what I know I’ll find in a new place. But there is something I constantly tend to overlook. When you start a new phase in life, initially, there is always a kind of emptiness…a void before it starts getting filled up with new experiences, people, thoughts. I think I’m somewhere in that void right now, and, perhaps, that is what brought me here. The need for something familiar and comforting to help me get through this initial vacuum.

I truly hope I don’t go disappearing again. But, for now, I’m back. And it seriously feels good!

 

 

 

Moo-ing Realizations

Today has been a day of realizations. A lot has happened and I’m almost bursting with all that I want to tell.

So, for the past few days, I’ve been kinda disturbed by certain issues. On Thursday, after work, I went to this book store that had a book fair going on. That was my way of dealing with the pain and depression. And, I’m so glad I did that. I’ve found my sure-fire way of beating depression – being around books. It makes me feel so giddy with happiness, so high…and I have to try my best to stop myself from jumping around! Which is exactly what happened the other day.

I had some emotionally wringing moments last night. And that was the first thing that came to my mind when I woke up today. I knew it was going to be a bad day. I had it all fixed in my head. At work, I had a completely unproductive time. I was disturbed and moody, in no mood to do anything and, well, ended up doing nothing! After work, I wanted to do something, anything…crazy, impulsive, reckless. Just something. And I began walking. By tiring out my legs and mind, I thought I would distract my mind from the distressing thoughts. I just kept walking.  Not aimless, because there was this place ahead where I knew I would find something like a book fair. So, I kept walking, knowing I would reach there eventually. And I did.

The place is huge (bigger than what I had in mind) and very much disorganized. I found a few books I really liked, the remaining were boring, mushy romance novels or something in those lines. I spent a long time there, just taking in everything; I knew I had found a spot of happiness for myself. After spending some time there, I decided to go home since it was getting late. On the way back, I felt like having coffee and got into this coffee shop near my place. Apart from an old lady, I was the only person there. So, I was just sitting there, by myself, thinking about life, my situation and all that. I tried to have a conversation with the guy who came to serve me (because I badly needed someone to talk to, right then). When the old lady got up to leave, I smiled at her. But she didn’t respond. And I was wondering what had happened to people. They no longer had the courtesy to smile back at someone, no time to talk, no… Before I went any further with my thoughts, she came upto me and spoke to me, started by suggesting some dishes I could try.

I was surprised. She asked me what I was doing, where I stayed and other typical questions. She spoke a lot about herself. After 10-15 minutes of conversation, I knew all about her family and quite a lot about her life. She said she lives in the same building and comes down to the coffee shop when she needs peace, silence and time by herself. I felt she was kinda lonely (so was I) and that she was glad to get someone to talk to (which was mutual). We had a good conversation…about how her daughter and family had left the previous day and she wanted some time by herself to deal with the sudden loneliness. She asked me to drop by whenever I wanted to, since she was alone at home. I really liked her a lot. A very intelligent, friendly and awesome person. And I loved the way she went on talking. 🙂

When I stepped out of there, I had this great feeling within, sort of like a light shining. I could not stop smiling. I felt this sense of exhilaration, just happy about being alive. Height of happiness (*sheepish grin*) – I even mooed back at a cow that was mooing when I passed by (just didn’t want it to feel lonely, mooing by itself…and guess what? It replied to my moo!!). This is embarrassing, but I thought I’d tell you anyway (like you don’t already know I’m crazy).

I had decided the day would turn out to be bad. I was wrong. Even though it started off bad, it ended on a very happy note. Lot of awesome moments and realizations. I’ve always believed that life is about having new experiences. That’s how you live. And today, I had a handful of them – taking impulsive decisions, going off to an unknown place by myself, talking to a stranger I met in a coffee shop (should I include the mooing?). I loved it. While walking back home, I had some striking realizations.

  • When we have problems, it kind of feels like there’s a void within, and lot of pain, and you don’t know how to deal with it. Well, I realized something. A void is the best way to have new experiences in life. When there’s an emptiness, you are open to new experiences. When you are in pain, the small joys in life take on a whole new meaning, and that lets you experience life better. So, like Paulo Coelho said in ‘The Zahir’, fill up that void with new experiences. 🙂
  • You cannot figure out everything in life. Sometimes, you feel certain things, unusual emotions for people, places, things, anything. And you don’t know why. But we, human beings, for some reason have to make sense of it all (after all, we are supposed to be far more superior than any other creature on Earth, or so we think). And we spend a hell lot of time, bent over figuring out what we feel, why we feel…and finally, screw up whatever happiness we had. What I’m trying to say is: Don’t try to figure out everything in life. It’s ok to have emotions that cannot be explained. Don’t be adamant about getting an explanation for everything in life. It doesn’t work that way, not if you want to live life.
  • (This one’s a re-realization) Do what you want, be with people you love, make sure you don’t lose the ones who mean the most to you. Life happens only once.

Happy weekend! 🙂