A Not-so-Equal & Opposite Reaction – Part 2: A Letter to the Person who was Taught by “People who Didn’t Want to do Anything”

Readers, in case you don’t enjoy this as much as the other posts, I apologize. This is exactly what I wanted to tell the concerned person. I couldn’t have said it any different if I truly wanted to empty my mind.

 

Dear Person,

Well, I might not have enjoyed the time I worked at your company but I did find you a wonderful boss to work with. It’s a pity you had to ruin it all right now, right when I was about to leave with a good picture of you. Of course, I’m sure my dislike won’t affect you or your business. I’m just telling you what I have in mind, what I want to tell you.. The effect it may or may not have is irrelevant to me.

Getting to the point, so you tell me, “People who don’t want to do anything, teach.” And you couldn’t really give an explanation for that. Were you just trying to discourage me and make me see how I should be in your company if “I want to do something?” Or were you genuinely voicing your thoughts? Either way, I’m sorry to tell you, it was very stupid of you to say something like that, especially being someone so intelligent  and understanding. I’ve lost all the admiration and respect I had for you, which probably won’t matter to you.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that you speak very good English. I suppose some poor soul who didn’t want to do anything must have taught you the ABCDs…and then, grammar and how to string words into sentences correctly & coherently. Oh, and surely, there must have been so many other people in your life who didn’t want to do anything…People who wanted to do nothing but the worthless job of teaching you subjects like Maths, Science, History and many more. And, yeah, none of that is probably of use to you right now. I mean, who cares how to multiply when you have accountants to do it for you; why would you care to know if the Earth is round or if it revolves around the Sun; why bother knowing what/who made your country what it is now… Why would you care about the lot of other stuff that these people taught you?

I think I totally see your point. Who would take up a job like teaching except people who don’t want to do anything? Who else would be jobless enough to sit and teach kids just so they can be something in life, like you became?

Oh, and your children are probably being taught by a bunch of people who don’t want to do anything. Don’t you think that would be horrible – being taught by people who are aimless, who find joy in doing something so worthless? I’m sure your children probably want to be something in life…and they should definitely be taught by someone like you, who is something. But then, how could you teach? You aren’t one of those people who don’t want to do anything. Ah, well, who needs teaching anyway, right? Your children probably won’t.

I could go on like this, trying to (sarcastically) put across how some teacher(s) must have contributed to what you are today…how you could have ended up being nothing, how your children are also dependent on a bunch of teachers to become something in life. Someday, you’re going to realize it and I hope time helps you to correct your thought. Not just because I’m going to be one of those people, but because when you say something like that, you are insulting and degrading the teachers who took the effort to teach you just so that you could be something in life while they remain the same. And yes, you’re insulting yourself. Teachers might seem weird (who else would spend their lives helping others to be successful and stay in the same position themselves). But that definitely does not make them people who don’t want to do anything.

Best of luck for the life ahead. Hope it brings you more success and better realizations.

 

Yours sincerely,

Ex-employee.

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A Not-So-Equal and Opposite Reaction

There’s so much that I want to write about. But, for some reason, I don’t get the words when I try to do it. I get it in my head, at times…while at work, while trying to sleep, at random instances. But rarely when I try to write it out. What disturbs me most about the situation is – it never used to be like this. I could get the words so easily and put my thoughts across in the exact way I wanted.

For a moment, I wondered if I’m losing touch. But no, I think I’ll know it if I lose touch with something so integral to my being. So, I guess it’s probably because whenever I’ve sat down to write, I have been too tired (mentally and physically) to take a substantial effort to write.

It feels so suffocating when you have so much in your mind but cannot bring it out completely. Which is the reason I decided to try writing in the morning, when I’m much more relaxed and alive than during the remaining part of the day.

So, I’m done with the boring job at Dubai. Finally! And now, I’m going to do something that’s been on my wishlist. 🙂

When I came back to RAK, one of the first suggestions I got (in terms of a job opportunity) was to join my school (my alma mater) as a teacher. I was told that I could, probably, teach English or something in one of the lower classes. I was very happy with the idea but kept that as an alternative and continued searching for other opportunities. Which eventually landed me in the boring job.

Since I have had enough of office jobs, I have decided to finally take up the job at school. So, long story short, I’m going to teach! I love teaching. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do although not as a long-term career. Well, I’m excited. Very much. Obviously!

While basking in this excitement, something happened last week. An incident (or rather, a comment) that infuriated me. And, you know, writing is the most effective (and paractical and satisfying) way of taking out anger, for me. Especially when the person on the receiving end is going to be my (recent ex-) boss.

The background situation: I was offered a permanent position at the place where I was working until Thursday. But I turned it down because I wanted to teach.

What happened: It was on Monday. I think. The Boss said, “I had told [the concerned person] that you could work here in the media section but he told me you’re going to teach.”

Me (beaming face): “Yes, sir.”

Boss: “People who don’t want to do anything, teach.”

Me (I don’t know what my expression was, but I think I tried to keep smiling): “Why do you say that, sir?”

Boss: repeats same line. Adds “It’s like that.” (Or something as weird as that)

“Oh, I didn’t want to do anything in life. So, well, I teach. What else would aimless people do?” :-/

And, from that moment, I’ve wanted to tell him a lot of things. When he said it, a lot of emotions crossed my mind – amusement (I wonder why he said that); curiosity (Why would he say something like that?); rage (Why the hell would he say that?); intense hatred (WHAT THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY?).

I had a lot of respect, admiration and liking for this man. He is intelligent, very much capable, likeable, approachable…all that he should be in order to run a successful company in Dubai. But the comment sort of drained everything I had for him. I’m not judging him, I’m not saying he’s a bad person just because of this statement. He is still a good man. Just that I’ve lost my liking for him, whatever reason he might have to justify what he said. I tried to list out possible reasons, too.

a) He was trying to provoke me, I don’t know what for. Maybe to make me think my decision was stupid.

b) He just likes saying such stuff. You know, kill your happiness.

c) He was trying to discourage me (and ended up enraging me!)

d) That’s what he really thinks

Well, none of the reasons seemed good enough to serve as justification (to me, atleast). So, I have irretrievably lost whatever liking I had for him. And there’s a lot I’d like to tell him (yes, that does mean there’s going to be another post, very very soon).

How was your week? And if you have had similar situations, I’m all ears. Always am. (Even if you just want to go blah blah about something random!) 🙂 

Don’t you Miss my Blah Blah? (Please Say Yes!)

Please ignore the stupidity of the title. I can be really crazy, sometimes. And, dumb, at other times. 

I had a wonderful weekend at home, lazing around, watching movies, eating and talking to Ann. I did everything that I can’t do when I’m staying in a new place – sing out loud, play loud music, talk whatever I want for as long as I want, enjoy the familiarity that home always offers. It was almost painful to come back and get to work.

But, well, here I am, sitting in front of a system that gets super-slow every once in a while, bored of doing whatever I’m doing.

The downside of being here is that I’m alone. In a lot of ways, I appreciate the solitude, especially since it helps me learn to live by myself and take care of myself. But, when it comes to going out, having a meaningful conversation or wanting to see a familiar, comforting face, loneliness sucks! Like I wrote in a

I should use that line, sometime!

I should use that line, sometime!

mail to a friend, I have even lost my appetite because I HATE eating alone (does not mean I enjoy eating with strangers). Every day, I keep hoping time will do the trick, that things will change. Because I’m sure it will. Maybe today. Or tomorrow.

Anyway, another problem with new people is: you tend to hide (or atleast, try not to let them notice) the weird habits/behaviour or quirks you have. On my second day here, when I found out that one of my colleagues lives in the same building as me, I thought I’d have company to commute to work. I almost asked him something of that sort, then quickly dropped it. Why? Because he would come to know some of my quirks. [Awkward confession time…Man, this is difficult!] I’m strangely apprehensive about going down a staircase and look kinda weird while doing so. And thanks to my awesome lack of balance, escalators and electronic walkways are…umm…a tiny bit scary. Just a bit.

So, the thought of a new person noticing this was more than what I was comfortable with. Anyhow, today morning, both of us happened to be waiting for the metro, at the same time. Which, inevitably, means we came to work together. Thankfully, though, this guy happens to be a little too much into himself to notice my innocent quirks. Or maybe he didn’t find me interesting enough to notice (since I hide my awesomeness when I go to work; why invite all that jealousy to oneself?). Well, so, I guess everything’s fine; my secret is safe. 🙂

What makes blogging so much of a relief right now is the fact that I haven’t found a friend to dump my thoughts on have a proper, open conversation with. Until I do (and until I start talking some sense), I’m sure you wouldn’t mind listening.

Bottom line: quirks or no quirks, friend or no friend, life’s good. 🙂

 

New Girl in the City

Any time there’s a major change, whether it’s going into a relationship, getting out of a relationship, moving to a new city, a death – that usually provides a catalyst for an explosion of creativity.
– Lucinda Williams

So, the major change, in my case, might not have led to an ‘explosion of creativity’, but, I’m feeling a lot better than when I wrote the previous post. Well, inspite of my lack of interest, I took up this utterly boring front-desk job at an advertising agency in Dubai. The motivating factors? The thought of moving to a new city, meeting new people, exploring new opportunities, going through new experiences. And that’s how the move to Dubai happened. I work 5 days a week and come home to RAK for the weekend.

Even though my job is boring and least challenging, I like the fact that I have a lot of time on hand. I spend most of my time online, reading blog posts & news articles or replying to some mails. While the youngsters at my office aren’t very welcoming or friendly (in fact, hardly any of them talk to me), the older ones are quite friendly. It’s kind of weird; maybe, they just need time to accept me. Anyway, for now, all I need to keep me going is the prospect of exploring the new city and the experiences it has to offer. The absence of a good friend to talk to or confide in can be overlooked, I suppose. Atleast for now.

After moving in to a comfortable place to stay (with some friendly, sweet people for roommates), my first challenge was finding my way around, to and from work. You will be able to understand the horror of the situation, if you know how terrible my sense of direction is. I had to travel by metro (for the first time) and the first time I reached office by myself, I felt this intense sense of achievement. Like I had done something. Definitely not something difficult or unattainable;but something new, which is what matters to me, after all.

Of course, there’s the foot ache, slight neck pain (from sitting in front of the computer for too long) and the constant feeling of disorientation and being lost. Yet, at the threshold of each new experience, I sense a burst of zeal, because I’ve been yearning for it. Inspite of being a stranger, I love the way the city welcomes me, without being too intimidating. The people I’ve come across have been extremely helpful, even if it meant sacrificing a few minutes of their busy schedule.

Now, I have time for everything. Even with the 8-hour job, the travelling and everything, I have time to write, to read and time for myself. Maybe I had to have these new, strange experiences to get myself back to normal. And, of course, that would inevitably mean: more to blog about! 🙂

Kind of what I look like at work, minus the nail file, of course! 😀

Let’s Catch Up!

So…I think I’m back, and I know I’m repeating a line that has been part of atleast 4-5 previous posts. Around 7 weeks after my previous post, here I am, finally typing something onto a page that I’ve opened up a hundred times in the past few days. Well, a lot has changed. Obviously. How can things remain the same for 7 whole weeks, anyway?

Well, in case you’d like to know, I quit my job at Kochi (Kerala), bid farewell to some awesome friends (and some beautiful, memorable places) and have come back to RAK. Home. It’s just been around 7 months since I left this place. It used to feel like ages when I was in Kerala, but now, once I got back, it feels like I hadn’t gone at all.

I suppose RAK is the place where I spend that interval period between two phases in my life. Because, now, I’m here to take my time and figure out what I want to do next. I haven’t yet begun the ‘figuring out’. I don’t want to force myself to dwell on it and find an answer. Let it come by itself, I know it will.

So, while I’m in the process or relaxing, lazing around and trying to do some serious thinking, I will also have a lot of chattering to do… Do keep a watch on this space! 🙂 I’ve missed my readers – regulars and the random visitors alike – as much as I have missed the experience of blogging.

And while you’re here, why don’t you tell me what you have been upto? 🙂 

Of Palms, Feet & Spaces

Yesterday, I went out with my housemate, her brother and my sister (Janet). It was tiring, but enlightening in some ways. We went to this book fair, spent time checking out books… It’s always bliss to have books all around me! We had lunch, roamed around a bit, blah blah. It was past 5pm or so when we got back home. Completely drained and dead tired.

The enlightenment was more like an insight into myself. While travelling in the bus, on the way to some part of the city, I realized that I have a kind of claustrophobia. It’s not that I’m always afraid of all closed/cramped/tight places. For instance, I’m not at all uncomfortable while using an elevator. But then, sometimes, when I see walls all around me or can’t see beyond to an open space, I feel this rush of anxiety, a weird sense of suffocation. I was surprised when it struck me; I had never noticed it until now.

How I came to realize this fact about myself – While the bus was passing by a building, the wall was visible right outside the window (to my right). I could just reach out and feel its rough surface. And when I looked to my left, there were people crowding around, and I couldn’t see beyond the wall of human bodies. I felt like I’d begin to suffocate…a clutch of panic in my mind. That was when I understood that I’m claustrophobic, to some extent.

Another enlightenment I had was in the book fair, when I chanced upon a certain book. During the past couple of days, I’ve been talking, reading and thinking a lot about certain unconventional fields of study – astrology, palmistry. What drew me to them is the fact that they combine science (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE) and ethereal, metaphysical elements (which I find intriguing).

At the book fair, yesterday, I saw this book – The Complete Illustrated Guide to Palmistry. I flipped through it, stopping for longer on some pages; the images, texts and concepts all jumping out at my inquisitive mind. Apart from the fact that it was detailed, illustrated and written in an interesting way, I loved the book because of the sheer curiosity it awakened in me. Anyone who saw me could have seen the unmasked excitement on my face!

I’m sure my face must have looked even more animated when I found another book below the palmistry one – The Complete Illustrated Guide to Reflexology. I have always liked the concept of reflexology but didn’t know anything much about it. Beyond the basics, that is. So, seeing the book, I went through it, trying to get a deeper idea of a topic I like. And, I was surprised to find myself going on turning pages, falling in love with the book. I loved the illustrations, explaining how to massage, where and how to apply pressure at the right points for the right reasons.

When I moved towards my sister and away from the book, I felt this longing, pulling me back… I had fallen in love with the book. I had discovered interest and zeal for something so unexpected. And I knew I wanted to learn, know more about it.. So, I’ve been trying to get more information on the subject, checking out possible courses, blah blah. And I couldn’t help sharing it with y’all. 🙂

As far as work is concerned, the bad phase is slowly starting to brighten up. I just completed my first major event, quite successfully. More on that later! I’m still demotivated, more or less, but I’m sure that will pass. Janet is here for a couple of weeks, so it feels really good. I’ve become aware of the presence of an awesome friend. I’ve been having a lot of chocolate. 🙂 Seems like good times are just around the corner.

A Crappy Phase

For someone who has loved blogging so much, I’m shocked at what’s happening. I used to read almost all the Freshly Pressed posts, regularly visit the blogs I follow and write out the stupid thoughts in my head. And now, WordPress is a site that is near yet far away. I check out the titles of the FP posts every morning but don’t find the time to read any. Though, yesterday I read a couple of them. And I realized that it had been ages! While commenting on a post I liked, I felt like my blogging skills had gotten kinda rusty. It felt a bit foreign to me; I had been out of touch for far too long.

It’s been gnawing at me for quite a few days now. Many of my friends have been asking me about why I haven’t blogged for so long. Their questions have added to the pangs of guilt that I’ve been experiencing lately. So, since it was a peaceful, lazy Sunday, I thought I’d get down to it…and retrieve one of my most ardent passions.

The only excuse/reason I have for my prolonged absence is – lack of time and motivation! Nothing else. I’m seriously demotivated as far as work is concerned. There’s a lot of crap happening and it takes its toll on me, personally…ruins my happiness and peace of mind. Each day, I wake up, I dread the thought of going to work…but pull myself up and go through the day, longing to get back home and hit the bed! I had nothing to blog about, except a bunch of messed up, negative thoughts. I felt no urge to write out.

But then, when you’re passionate about  something and you stay away from it for some time, it doesn’t take long for you to notice how much you miss it. And that’s how I began missing blogging. I missed the excitement of opening up my Dashboard page every day, reading the comments, replying to them, thinking up new posts, looking forward to the response for it…

I’ve had people trying to motivate me, make me feel better. But, somehow, nothing works. At the end of the day, it has to come from me, I suppose. And, why it hasn’t come from me? Because there’s something missing. Something required to help me motivate myself. I can’t quite put my finger on it. What I know for sure is that there’s a void in my mind, right now. I’m trying, thinking of possible ways to fill up that yawning space within. There’s no lack of happiness, if you ask me. It’s the motivation to go on that’s absent. The feeling that I should give it my best and be the best.

Anyway, on a good note, I’m looking forward to the super-awesome phase that will certainly follow this super-crappy phase. 🙂