Just Another Perfect Day

You know what I hate about my work? Not dislike or disapprove. But truly hate? The fact that it has robbed me of time for myself, my

At work, this is how I’ve felt every day of the past one week…(for different reasons, obviously)

passions and people who matter. I don’t remember when was the last time I got to be by myself, just enjoy some solitude and peace, doing what I feel like. I can’t recall when was the last time I spent a truly happy, relaxing weekend by myself. I miss writing, blogging and reading. I miss the touch of my books…the feel of pen running over paper…the exhilaration of fingers falling over the keys and forming coherent words on the screen. I miss spending time with friends, talking to them.

Last day, I was writing in my diary after a long time. And I realized how much I miss writing. It has been a long time since I wrote out what’s in my head. And my head’s never devoid of thoughts, I’m sure you know. It was never (and never will be) the lack of thoughts that caused this gap. After a tiring, draining day at work, there’s only so much energy in you…and the time and zeal are so not enough to help me stay up.

But I noticed something very surprising, during the past two weeks. Almost every day after my previous post, my daily stats have crossed the usual numbers. Which is super-awesome…and inspiring, in some ways, since I’m getting a good number of visitors when I haven’t posted in around 2 weeks.

Today morning, after a long, long time, I’m alone. My roommate left for work by 5:30am, after waking me up. The others have gone home and will be back sometime today. Taking hold of the awesome opportunity, I got up early. After finishing off some chores, I thought I would sit out in the balcony area and, perhaps, enjoy the morning. Sunshine, breeze, clear blue sky (after a heavy rain). And, coffee. But then, that’s what I do every morning. And so, for a change, I’m listening to some awesome music and letting out those pent-up thoughts of past two weeks (some of them, that is).

I have been through a super-difficult week at work. It has taken a toll on my happiness and peace of mind. At a certain point, I was almost on the verge of quitting. But then, I wondered, “Is this all I can endure? If I don’t have the strength to go through something as silly as work pressure, how can I ever be able to live through life?” And I had made my decision. It’s true that I miss a lot of significant things. But I know that this will pass… Passion is not something that leaves you one fine day. If it did, it wouldn’t be called passion. Like I’m doing now, I’ll always come back to what means most to me. How could I not? When this is what makes me ‘ME’ – the power to put
crazy thoughts into words and the nerve to put it out in the open for all to see.

[About to hit the ‘Publish’ button, and I think : “Whoa! That felt great. Brilliant way to start the week.”] 🙂

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Back Again

It’s been ages since I blogged. And you have no idea how many have been asking me to blog, saying they keep checking for new posts. To be honest, I’m flattered. The reason why I haven’t been blogging for so long is – hectic schedule (thanks to work) and pure laziness (thanks to me)! Right now, seeing the ‘Add New Post’ page, having my fingers literally flying over the keyboard, it feels so damn good.

Today has been an awesome day! In fact, I have been having a bit of awesomeness in each day during the past one week. Which is probably why I felt moved enough to blog today. Well, apart from the fact that I’ve made a couple of new friends, a lot has been happening. And I just had to write it out.

The past one week has been eventful. My work has begun to get a little pressurizing, at times. Even though I get irritated, I know that it will eventually turn out to be a great experience for me. So, I grit my teeth (literally, almost always) and go through these trying situations, knowing that it will pass.

I have grown closer to a really sweet person at work. Her place is right beside mine, and every now and then, we find something or the other to talk to each other. It might be stupid office-gossip, personal stuff, work-related tidbits or whatever! And, last week, when I faced a very confusing situation, I wanted to talk it out. And she was the first person to come to my mind. I loved the conversation we had. For one thing, it made me realize how close we had grown to each other. Another reason is – I LOVED the way she cleared up the whole issue, making me feel so much better.

I have made another new friend, too. A total random stranger. We started texting by chance…and then met up last week. And, well, we might not be personally close or anything. But I enjoyed the time I spent with him. He is easy and fun to be with, someone who will make you laugh, feel comfortable. So, that’s how I found a new friend.

I moved to a new place today. It’s a really cute, awesome place. Very silent, tranquil area…friendly house-mates… After I got here, I was unpacking. And it struck me. Unpacking (or even packing, for that matter) is a sort of draining process. It’s like you’re unpacking your life; you pack up every remnant of the life you spent in a place, and then you unpack that life in another place, where these things look odd, misplaced. But, eventually, those things start to belong in the new space… I hope I’ll be able to blend in with this place soon.

I have so many other thoughts running around in my head. But, right now, I need to go get some sleep. I’ll try not to let this space rot. I’ve missed blogging so much.

Being A Victim of Carnal Imprisonment

[Written yesterday]

The day was good. I took the first step towards a new plan, work is going great, I’m considerably happy and, my blogging is getting back on track. I admit I’m getting busier at work, which has its positives and negatives. I have lots to be occupied with, enough and more to do…but that also means I get very less time to relax, I can get easily stressed out. Which is why I’m thinking of new plans to add some life to my day.

The bit for today comes from the stress I’ve been feeling at work. Post-lunch hour, I feel very lazy and find it difficult to feel as enthusiastic as I do during the earlier hours. Anyway, past two or three days were exceptionally tiring. More than just tiring, I get this dull headache and want to go home so badly. Yesterday, it was worse. During the past three days, I have been feeling suffocated, kind of stifled (finally, found the right word).

So, a couple of days ago, I was experiencing this suffocated/stifled sensation and I stepped out onto the mini-balcony area for a while. I felt so much better, feeling the wind on my skin, being surrounded by so much space…and all of a sudden, I felt restricted by my body. Because, at that moment, I wanted to go out, run, fly…and I felt like my body was holding me back, chaining me! Then came a thought that surprised me…the voice in my head talking to myself – “I want to break free, get out of my body.” It was a very new thought – amusing and also shocking, in some ways. That day, I distinctly felt like someone who was imprisoned in her own body, like I literally wanted to get out of my body and give some life to my soul.

The concept of ‘soul’ has always been kinda…beyond understanding, reasoning and explanation. Yet, sometimes, you have experiences that sort of point at its presence. Like the one I had a couple of days ago. Honestly, it’s the first time I’m going through a thought/experience of that sort. Which is why it ended up being the bit! 

Ever felt like you want to get out of your body? Crazy question, I know. 

Bits & Pieces

I know I’ve been super-lazy. I haven’t been posting as regularly as I used to. Even when there’s enough and more happening in my life. So, like I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m going through a good phase in life. I’m learning so many new things, going through some great experiences, realizing, thinking… I was extremely demotivated with things at work, for a while, and now, I’ve started pushing myself to put in my best.

So, at this point, I guess it’s natural that my blogging gets better, too. Yesterday, I found this blog while going through some random blogs – 53 weeks. The basic concept behind it is – a theme is chosen, and a photograph based on this theme is posted each week, for 53 weeks. Do check it out! I love the photography! Well, it got me thinking. Each week, out of all the photographs the person takes, he has to choose one that deserves to be given focus, to be featured as the photograph of the week. It’s kind of like order in chaos, because when there’s a lot and you focus on one (of anything, for that matter), there’s a sort of clarity, a light.

And I realized I could use that thought for my blog, too. Not necessarily or solely using photographs, though. What I have in mind is – pick out one striking thing about each day, blog about it. It could be a thought, an incident, a song, something someone said, something I read or saw, a realization, a person, anything. Absolutely anything. Out of all that happens in a day, concentrate on one striking moment. Let’s call it the bit of the dayI’m planning to do this on a daily basis, or atleast post on alternate days. And I’m going to try my best not to let my laziness get in the way.

Let’s start off with today. When I think of what to blog about, I usually fall short of ideas & thoughts. But now, when I try to pick out one remarkable incident, so many come to mind. Anyhow, I already know what today’s bit is going to be – the thought that I got from 53 weeks. Ever since I came across the site, the thought of doing something similar for my own blog has been in mind. I’ve been thinking about it whole day. The idea happened by chance. It’s different, thought-provoking and awesome (like me?). It’s going to get me thinking, give life to my (sporadic) blogging habit, give me a chance to focus on some thoughts/instances that I would have otherwise neglected. I’m sure it’s going to be a great experience. So there! I’ve started off!

Silence, Voice, Clouds

Not so long ago, there was a time when I felt smothered by the voices all around me. And I felt I couldn’t find my own voice amidst all the commotion. Last day, I had an experience which was exactly opposite to the other.

Sometime towards the end of the day at work, I was feeling really dull and drained. I needed a break, very badly. So, I stepped out of the office. The window right outside my office opens up onto a mini-balcony (or something like that). I go out there, at times, to watch the rain or, like today, to take a break. There was a colleague standing near the window, looking outside. I spoke to him for a few minutes, someone else came by and he moved onto another conversation. All the while, even when I was talking, I wasn’t really paying attention to the person or the talk.

I was looking around, taking in the sights with an intensity that surprised me. There were a lot of dark clouds, signifying impending rain. I spent a long time looking at the buildings around, the clouds, the people on the road, the clouds, the greenery in the distance, the clouds, the sky. Mostly the clouds. I watched this guy, on the street below, crossing the road, weaving his way through the evening rush of vehicles. It reminded me of a maze; I smiled when he found his way out at the other end. Somehow, it didn’t seem as life-threatening as it really is.

Tired of looking at the buildings around, I lifted my gaze up to the sky, the clouds. I took my own time, admiring the breathtaking shades of grey and white in the clouds, enjoying the slight breeze. I wondered if I would get drenched, on the way home from work. A lot of thoughts passed through my mind. Meaningful lines I had read in a book, people in my life, words spoken, incidents, so many thoughts. I thought of how I could feel a happiness and peace that had been lacking in the past two weeks. I reflected on the reason for this new-found joy.

After spending some time, lost in thoughts, when I came back to my senses, I realized that I had been having a quiet talk with my inner voice. Inspite of all the noise (vehicle horns blaring, colleagues talking, blah blah), I had found a calm silence within. I could hear my inner voice so clearly, feel a silence that conquered the noise around me. This is what I meant when I said that I had gone through an experience completely opposite to the one mentioned in the earlier post. I found an amazing sense of inner calm and clarity of voice, even while surrounded by commotion. And it’s like I’ve found myself all over again, learning to listen to my thoughts over the clamour of others’. After all, awesome things happen to awesome people! [Since I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing, I got a colleague to take some photos of the cloudy sky. Hope you like them.]

So, have you ever lost and/or found your voice? And do you feel fascinated by clouds? 🙂 Happy weekend, people!

 

When the going gets tough…

 

 

After a lot of typing and hitting the backspace, this is my third attempt at coming up with something that is not depressing. No, today was not depressing. But I’m getting bothered by certain minor issues, which would not have happened if I had found a good friend out here. I miss sitting down and talking to someone (like a specific someone), just letting out my emotions, frustrations and everything…so that I can get it all off my mind and have new experiences. Right now, I’m trying to create the void, the empty space which I could fill up with new memories and experiences. I seem to be failing very badly. Loneliness is a bitch, I tell you. Yesterday, while walking back from my workplace, I was so intensely reminded that I have nowhere else to go (except work and home)…more than that, I was painfully reminded that I have no one I can be with. I mean, I don’t have a close friend with whom I can make after-work plans, spend time with, talk to, laugh with; a person I can always turn to.

Do you see what I meant by the first line? I don’t want to sound helplessly depressed. So, moving on…last night, I had an awesome experience. I was up whole night, talking to one of my house-mates. She is leaving in a couple of days. So, we were just having some coffee and talking. After a while, when it began raining, both of us sneaked out of the house, went up onto the terrace and stood there for some time. We talked, watched the sky, thought about our lives, got lost in our own worlds and shared the same awe and fascination as we looked up at the moon, the clouds, the stars. At that moment, I felt an inexplicable connection with her. Connection, and a pain when I realized she wouldn’t be with me, after a couple of days.

Everyone’s busy with their lives, caught up in their own joys, sorrows and problems. But experiences like this literally pull you out of your little bubble. And you open your eyes to what you’re missing.

We (my housemate and I) were up until almost 4:30 am, talking, spending time. I loved being with her. And wished she didn’t have to go. But, sometimes, letting go is the only way you can get something for yourself, only way to realize how much it means to you. Doesn’t make sense? I think I should go back to my nonsense and crap. Atleast that way, you’d know there is no point in trying to make sense of it. 🙂

 

 

Strangers Breed Homesickness

Most of my friends were really happy after reading the previous post. Maybe I should write more of those – happy, chirpy posts.

Just now, while chatting with Ann, she asked me why I wasn’t posting anything. I told her I didn’t know what to write and I didn’t want to post nonsense. She, being far cleverer than me, pointed out that our mind is never devoid of thoughts, that all I had to do was pick one, write about it. And then, it struck me – she is right! There are such a lot of thoughts in my head. Now, when I sat down to blog, all the thoughts came rushing into my mind. And I don’t know what to write about.

Ann was telling me about how I used to post everyday, once upon a time…and how she used to love it. Well, I miss those times, too. Those were times when I used to stay back at the college lab until 8pm just so that I could blog in peace. Times when I couldn’t go a single day without blogging (which was kinda bad on you readers, since you had to read all the bullshit I came up with).

I think I’ve gone down a notch in terms of confidence, because you need a hell lot of confidence to write shit and publish it for the whole world to see. And now, when I think of doing that, I hear this voice in my head pulling me back, telling me I should not do anything that could make my readers hate me. You know what? I’m done listening to the stupid voice. Because, more than pleasing readers, I’m here to write, find happiness in it and just be myself. So, I took a decision. I’m not going to try too hard to please anyone, I’m just going to write/blog and be happy. Makes sense, right?  🙂

There are times when I miss college very badly. More than the place, I miss the experience of having familiar faces all around. I knew people, they knew me. There’s a certain sense of comfort when you’re surrounded by people you know, finding some familiar faces everywhere. Like there’s always someone or the other you can go to, you are not alone (unless you want to be). That’s something I miss about college.

Over here, I see so many strangers while walking to and from work. I meet so many strangers at work. Strangers I’m getting closer to. But strangers, nonetheless. And it gets really distressing, sometimes. You don’t know if you can open up, trust or be yourself with someone. After a certain point, you get tired of being careful, and wish you could let your guard down. You long to see a face you know, a face that would beam with recognition on seeing you. I’m going through that phase right now. The initial excitement of being at a new place, meeting new people and all that has subsided (begun to, actually), giving way to the homesickness that I had been ignoring all this while.

I miss people, being around people I know. I miss my family. I miss places, knowing where to go, seeing familiar places & spots. I know it will pass. Until then, I just have to deal with it. 🙂

Have you ever experienced anything of this sort? If yes, how did you get over it?