A Dose of Down-Time :(

Today is one of those days. I’m feeling so low. OK, not without a reason, I admit. Some issues have come up with the schedule and it’s getting on my nerves…which is VERY VERY BAD! Because I’m not in the mood to deal with anything of this sort, at the moment. But of course, Mr.Life (or is it Ms. or Mrs.)  has this way of flinging problems my way whenever I’m trying to deal with another. Does he/she think it’s funny? Because if he/she does, then it’s NOT! It’s seriously not funny to have to worry about something when I’m already a little low…when I want to be happy… Mr. Life, I think you should quit your job and let some awesome people (=ME, obviously) take over! I could do so much better than you! So, if you want to keep your job, pull yourself together, and get your act right!

Ha! That felt a lot better. It always helps me calm down when I have someone/something to shout at… 🙂 So relieving! What do you do to let out steam? (Just in case you love shouting out, like me, consider this a perfect platform for your pent-up anger! Always welcome, people!)

I’m sorry I won’t be coming up with interesting thoughts or experiences today, because all I want to do right now is let out the frustration I’m feeling. And I think I did that quite fine, for now! It’s weird how my blog has become something like a place where I (kinda) talk to myself (since I’m not saying all this to anyone in particular; I’m just saying it, right?)…I blurt out whatever’s in my head, good, bad, happy, sad, everything. It’s weird how I find joy in it! And now, I come over here just to shout out my anger, at nobody in particular! Isn’t that, like, super-cool? Thank you, WordPress! You rock! Happy weekend, people! 🙂

P.S : Maybe Friday the 13th is actually unlucky for me! Anyway, Happy Friday the !3th, everyone! 😀

Recurrent (& Insane) Thoughts

I know the sudden disappearing came without warning. But, it was unintended, which is why I never got to warn. 🙂

Anyway, I’m back. I have had an awesome bunch of 5 days at Merlin’s place. It was seriously like a second home. I felt so comfortable and at home. We didn’t exactly do anything much except talk, sleep and talk a lot more. There was one time when we went on talking, late into the night and slept off by 4am or so. Apart from all that, these few days have also brought us closer in a very special way. We got to know a lot more about each other… And guess what? Remember the problems I mentioned about in my previous post? All the worries about not having time and stuff? It’s all solved! I’m so relieved! Just hope nothing new comes up to bring back my worries. 🙂

These past few days haven’t been eventful in the general sense. But, emotionally, they have been truly remarkable. So much has been happening with me…and I’ve been thinking like hell. Thinking A LOT!! And realizing a lot, too; thanks, partly, to Merlin. I’ve been reanalyzing the way I feel for some persons, how I had taken it on until now, so many such thoughts. Not just about people or emotions, but also about future, life and a lot more.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

I’ve been thinking about where I’ll end up. That happens to be something I have always wondered about…yet can’t come up with a satisfying enough possibility in reply. Recently, one of my teachers mailed me saying (among other things) he is waiting for the day when he will see me in a good position, one that I deserve, befitting my talents and abilities. I was touched. But confused. Because I don’t exactly know what position I should end up in. There is so much that I want to do, so I don’t really know what I’d like to end up as. A writer? Yes! A psychologist? Sure (I guess I have never mentioned it but I’ve always loved psychology and wanted to do a lot in it)!! Basically, if you ask me, what I want most is to be someone who has contributed substantially (in my own way) to the world…someone who has made a difference in people’s lives, touched them in some way…someone who has done her part in making the world a happier place. That’s what I want, ultimately. Though, I wonder what kinda ‘position’ that would make me end up in. 🙂

I’ve always loved the thought of having a cause to live for, work for and maybe, fight for. It could be anything. In normal life, I guess it would be something like a particular assignment, some specific work, a project to be completed, anything. I’ve noticed that once I get a particular task to be completed, I put myself into it, fully. My thoughts and efforts seem to be concentrated solely on that task, and I never seem to stray until I complete it properly. That’s exactly what happened with the Class Exhibition thing, last month. But I’m talking about having a cause that’s far higher, beyond trivial tasks and stuff. Like, for instance, I’m fascinated by the lives people must have led during the freedom fighting times. Be it anywhere. Since I’ve learnt specifically about the whole Indian freedom fighting era, I guess I’ll be referring to it. For people of those times, everything they did must have revolved around the concept of attaining freedom. Their lives must have been completely devoted to the cause of freedom…not just for themselves, but for all. Their work, efforts, thoughts, everything was focused on this cause. All of them must have tried to contribute to it, even if it were in a small way. In the end, when the goal was achieved, each Indian must have had the happiness of knowing that they had done their part in this achievement, that it had been their cause, too, however indirectly it may have been.

I’ve always been in love with that thought. The thought of having a cause as strong as that…something that I could focus on, work for and live for. I guess it’s quite impractical in the present world…but, you never know. Or maybe, I could create something of my own to work for. Anyway, this was one thought that kept coming back to mind during the last couple of days.

So, tell me one (or two) recurrent thought(s) that’s been in your mind for the past few days. It can be absolutely anything!

The Question is… To Change Or Not To Change!

I really don’t know what to write about. Nothing has happened during the past few days. Actually, that’s not true. A lot has happened during the last week. But nothing that’s blog-material. I’ve been through a few disturbing incidents and am feeling quite low. I just hope the down-time isn’t back! 😦

Recently, I got to know something that a couple of my friends said about me to a mutual friend. They said that I have changed (sounds a lot like new information!). They think I have become less serious, less concerned about the future and other issues. The way they put it was: “Earlier, we could approach her for solutions to problems or intellectual stuff…But now, all she says is ‘Big deal/Leave it, man…blah blah’.” To be honest, I felt kinda hurt when my friend told me that. Hurt because they couldn’t understand me or accept me the way I am. But then, when I thought about it, I realized that I can’t blame them. They haven’t understood me, because they don’t know me. Yes, I have changed, like I explained in detail in an earlier post. So, maybe they cannot accept the way I am now. But I have changed for good. I have become more myself, now, more true to the person I am…and more importantly, I am what I want to be. I love the way I have changed, I love what I am now. So, if they think the ‘earlier-me’ was better and want me to change back to it, they mean to say they can’t accept me the way I am. This is me, this is what I am. Earlier, there were instances when I had to suppress this ‘true-me’ because I was just beginning to get comfortable with everyone and needed to accustom myself to everything. Now that I’m comfortable, I have, slowly, begun to come out of the shell and be more of myself. And that has, apparently, disturbed some friends who happen to stick to conventional ways of behaving (and believe everyone else should do the same). That just proves they cannot love me for who I really am. I don’t blame them. But I want them to know that this is me, and I’m not going to change it just because you can’t understand it. I’m so happy with the fact that I have begun to be myself, and I love it too much to let go of it for some people who don’t see who I am. They see what they want me to be. Sorry, guys. But you have to live with it.

Sort of what I'd like to tell all those out there!

About the change you are referring to…Yes, I have changed. But in a way I’ve loved and enjoyed. Being yourself involves knowing who you are, discovering yourself, being comfortable with it and letting it out. And that is exactly what I have done. It has been a beautiful journey – the one of being myself. I loved all the realizations that happened on the way, all that I learnt about myself. It’s all been such a great experience and I feel SUPER-GOOD, now that I’m being true to myself. Yes, I don’t worry too much about anything now. I admit I have my own issues bothering me, tormenting me when I’m alone. But I don’t let them ruin my happiness for long. I have realized that there’s no use worrying about something you can’t change. I am concerned about my future. But not in a way that I’ll spend hours fretting about what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do. I have a very good idea of what I want and I’ll do what I can to get there. What good is it going to do, right now, if I sit and torment myself, thinking about it? I admit, there used to be a time when I did that. But I have learnt that it does no good. Only outcome would be that I’ll be left in a depressed, confused and frustrated state of mind (precisely because I can’t do anything).

So, I stopped bothering too much about things that are out of my control. And also about problems that come up in day-to-day life. I have noticed that when a problem occurs, it gets solved after a while. Either by itself (by some natural miracle or something :P) or somehow someone (mostly myself) comes up with a solution. But I always used to worry myself to death over each small, silly or serious problem that came up. Until recently, when I started realizing the futility of the whole thing. Problems come and go. You can’t stop them by brooding over them. So, I stopped being over-depressed by them. When a problem comes my way, I do get disturbed. I won’t say I stay all cool and composed. I might spend some

Don't waste your life worrying over trifles

time pondering over it, trying to figure out what to do, how to get out of the mess. Mostly, it goes on for a day or so, depending on the magnitude/seriousness of the issue. But I tell myself there must be some way out. And sometime, sooner or later, I do find it and move on. Problem solved! So, where’s the need for all that unnecessary lot of despair? And that’s why I try to tell my friends that the problem may seem all huge and terrible…but once you calm yourself and believe that you can get through it, you will know that it’s no big deal…

So, I tell you not to worry so much/not make something a big deal/something in those lines because it’s no use doing all that. Just let it be. If you look at it positively, it’s not always that you get problems (I can already see some furious faces :D). You know it won’t stay forever. When you stop bothering so much, you will find a lot more peace of mind…and that almost always helps in coming up with a solution! Now, you know why I changed and how it happened. I’m going to be this way, for I love myself. Don’t expect me to change back to what I was, what you liked. With all due respect, I’d suggest you go find someone else (someone who doesn’t have an identity or a life for himself) for that kinda thing.

I can’t believe I actually wrote so much. And here I thought I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Well, I guess I write best when I’m provoked! 🙂