Back to an Empty House

I must admit, I absolutely enjoyed writing the previous post. For one thing, I love writing letters. And when it’s to oneself, there’s quite a lot of introspection that goes into it, so much that it feels like an experience in itself. But then, working on a great post (if I may say so myself) has a downside. The thought of writing another one that matches up to it or even gives you the same level of satisfaction is pretty pressurising. Pair that up with the sense of laziness that constantly hits me (especially when it comes to facing a blank page!) and you’ve got one sad blog-space.

However, that’s not all. There is another reason behind my reluctance (or slackness, whatever you’d like to call it) to blog more regularly. To put it simply, it’s not the same anymore. The bloggers I used to interact with don’t write much anymore (or they have abandoned me since this place has been gathering dust for quite a while), same goes for the ones I used to ‘follow’ and truly loved. It’s a bit like coming back to an empty house.

What’s more, even the Freshly Pressed (FP) page on WordPress (WP) has changed. And truth be told, I don’t like it! Freshly Pressed was where I used to come across some of the best pieces across the WP-world. From posts that made me laugh (and click the Follow button instantly) to ones that gave me a much-needed dose of inspiration, I’ve found it all in the FP section. Not to mention the secret, vain dream of someday getting featured there. But then, its replacement — the Discover page — doesn’t seem as ‘personal’ as the older version. In fact, the collection seems too carefully curated. Apart from posts from popular blogs, the seemingly random picks are all too eloquently written and rather impersonal. Or atleast there were hardly any that I could connect with, let alone be inspired by.

In short, adding to what I said earlier, it’s a bit like coming back to an empty house in a completely transformed neighbourhood. Which is basically what pulls me back or confuses me every time I fight lethargy and open up the ‘Add New Post’ page.

Nevertheless, sometimes the urge to write just wins (as it should) and a rambling like this is what comes out of it. Hopefully, it won’t take as long next time around.

Missing Bloggers

You put in so much of your time and effort into something that means nothing but boring work to you, and instead of a word of appreciation, all you get is rebuke! Sounds familiar? Well, I’m going through a similar situation at college and it’s frustrating. It has been going on for so long that I feel sick just thinking of the whole episode. This entire month has been depressing to the extreme. Big-time-BAD start to 2015, I say! I hope things get better soon! *Fingers crossed*

Anyway, my Facebook page tells me I haven’t posted in 11 days. I thought it was time I did something about that. And, here I am!

Sometime last month, I read a post by my blogger-friend, Manu Kurup, saying he intended to stop blogging. He said it would be his last post. And, sure enough, it was. He has deleted his site. He might have had his own reasons, although I don’t know what they were. Nevertheless, his post came as nothing less than a shock to me.

I don’t remember how I stumbled onto his blog but, well, someday, I did. I wasn’t a regular reader but I made it a point to catch up on his posts whenever possible. His writing style and thoughts were what I loved the most. We might have been strangers, on a personal level. But there is something very intimate and special about a person’s writing, reading what someone else has written. It’s kind of like getting a glimpse of their mind, a reflection of their perceptions. Perhaps, that is why I feel/felt a sense of belonging with all my fellow bloggers, including Manu.

When I read his final post, I was gripped by an emotion that I can only describe as “loss”. Something akin to what I’d feel if I were meeting a friend for the last time. While I do miss his blogposts, the experience opened my eyes to a fact I had never bothered to look at. Just like we take people for granted in life, I’ve been stupid enough to think that my readers and fellow bloggers will always remain the same. I never considered the possibility that they could also leave or fade off. Now that I’ve (almost) resumed regular blogging, I notice the absence of many blogger-friends who used to comment and support me. And I miss them all!

Anyhow, for those who have still hung around, this is a confession-plus-apology of sorts, to let you know I’ll try not to repeat the mistake! Keep hanging around! 🙂

Of Laws & Books

First post of 2015! 

I think Sir Isaac Newton was a genius simply for formulating the First Law of Motion – the Law of Inertia. Not that his other achievements are less brilliant, but I think the First Law is my all-time, top favourite. I see it manifested in so many ways, all around me, particularly in me. I wonder if Newton must have thought about the implications of his law in a personal aspect. Most people continue with their state of rest or activity (read: routine) unless acted upon by another force, which, I believe, could also be internal ( like, self-motivation, inspiration). My blog would be a perfect example. I remain lazy and “busy” until some sort of external/internal force comes into play. Once I get into the routine of regular blogging, I tend to continue it (like now). Until evil forces deter me. In this context, evil forces would be anything that keeps me from blogging. So, that’s the application of Law of Inertia in my blogging habits.

Much to my embarrassment, my WordPress Annual Report says that I’ve put up hardly 10 posts in 2014. And, trust me when I say I feel truly bad about it. I hope 2015 turns out to be a better year for my blog and that I’ll be better able to overcome the sinister powers (including lethargy & laziness).

I finally completed ‘The Fountainhead’ by Ayn Rand. Thanks to my schedule and lack of effort, it took me almost 5 months! That’s nothing less than atrocious, I’d say. But I’m glad I persisted. Because it’s one hell of a book! I absolutely loved it. I agree it has serious content in the form of concepts and philosophies which might seem a little too complex at times, but I enjoyed it, nevertheless. I was drawn to some of the concepts, like, for instance, the perspectives about selflessness as “the lack of self” and selfishness as “self given prime importance”. Another thought that appealed to me was the need of man to create for himself, rather than for others.

The book has some of  the strongest characters I’ve ever come across. In fiction, that is. I’m not going to harbour the fantasy that such people could exist in real life! I highly doubt there can be individuals like Howard Roark and Dominique Francon who are so rooted in their principles. I loved the character of Gail Wynand as the man “who could have been”. At the risk of sounding sentimental, I’ll admit that my heart went out to him, reading of the pain he suffered when he realized his power over people would prevail only as long as he said what they wanted him to say.

While reading, I have the habit of underlining whatever catches my attention. My copy of ‘The Fountainhead’ is filled with very frequently underlined parts. Which clearly indicate how much it has captivated me. So much that I think I’ll need a bit of time before I move on to another book. And, even when I do, I know the characters of this one will still be etched in my mind.

Stepping back into real life, my college will reopen tomorrow…which means: back to the same, hectic routine. But I’m going to try and overcome the force of “busyness” so that I can continue in this state of activity. 🙂

 

The New Year Post

Last day of the year. It has an almost ominous ring to it. Yet, it represents the birth of a new year, bringing along new hopes and experiences. If you think about it, New Year is, in essence, just a marker of the passage of time. But it holds a certain sense of charm which makes it special. The joy of the season, gifts, meetings, greetings and smiles everywhere…quite infectious, right? 

Perhaps that’s why there is a general notion that New Year should be celebrated with all the splendour and merriment possible. Honestly, I find it slightly pressurizing. Most of my New Year days have been pretty much normal, bordering on boring even. Except for a couple of times. I don’t even remember what I did for most of the New Year days, in fact! I bet that tells you enough. 

This year is going to be no different. Or so I think. I’m going to spend tomorrow exactly as I spent the past two days – reading, watching a couple of movies, blogging (*fingers crossed*) and doing whatever else I want to. I feel oddly dismal when I say this in answer to my friends’ recently regular questions about my New Year plans. As if it’s wrong to spend New Year like a normal day. So, then, I decided I’d blog about that…about how New Year day can be anything you choose it to be. More to console myself than anything else.

It can be a day for relaxing, working, loafing around or anything at all! You don’t have to be out partying or celebrating. You can just as well spend the day at home, doing what you want, without feeling sad about it. After all, it’s really just another day. I guess its ‘newness’ depends on how you feel, not necessarily on what you do. I don’t even believe in the thought that January 1 of every year represents a new beginning. If anything, it can help refresh you to continue. If a new beginning is what you want, it can happen any day, any moment of the year. You shouldn’t have to wait for one particular day (unless you’re stubborn and really want to!). 

So, yes, I’m going to have a seemingly boring and definitely lonely January 1st. But I’m going to try and be happy about it. Because, well, it’s the start of a brand new year. I’m sure it will have quite a few awesome days to make up for the very first. And, anyway, I’m going to spend the day with stuff I really love – books, movies, blog. 🙂 

Moral of the post – In case you have no New Year plans, do not despair. You can always join me!

Happy New Year, everyone! However you decide to spend the day, make sure you enjoy it! 

Peekaboo!

The perfect tagline for my blog would be “Now you see me, now you don’t”.

The past two months, in particular, have seen a flurry of activities. I met Kiran, went to RAK for a while, came back and joined college (I enrolled for a PG course in Journalism). It feels like I’ve just entered another phase. A good one, I should add. There was this particularly bad ‘down-time’ that I went through, recently, and it has just begun to pass. Which, I thought, translated to – new blogpost!! But that is not the only source of motivation for this sudden comeback. The faculty at my college are pretty insistent that we should start being active on Twitter and have a blog as well. I took it as a sign that I should get back to this space, especially because I had also been getting questions from unexpected people about my disappearance.

The course is something I’ve had in mind for the past two years. Going back to college seemed like a good idea. Who wouldn’t want to go through that experience once more (unless you were in a college you hated)? Nevertheless, I found (and still find) it difficult to break out of my carefully built cocoon of laziness. Waking up early, sitting through classes…and then, ASSIGNMENTS! The last time I remember, I was the one dishing out homework to hapless students! And now, I’m on the receiving end. Life sure has a way of getting back at you!

Having said that, I can’t deny the fact that I enjoy what I’m doing…the daily assignments, the sudden surge of new information (about a hell lot of stuff), the consequent thoughts, even the dabbling at Twitter. In fact, I’m almost on the verge of becoming a Twitterdict (not enough to take over my love for blogging, though!).

So, here’s to good times and more blogposts! (You’ll see me soon, I assure you!)

 

Rain, Rain, Come Again :)

It’s night-time. Dark, silent (almost) and a tiny bit eerie. I don’t remember the last time I stayed up to blog. Since afternoon, there have been so many thoughts in my mind that I can’t help but sit down and let them out. Considering how lazy I can be, it surprises me that I’m staying up to write about some random thoughts I had earlier during the day. Maybe the fact that I could not go to sleep without doing this shows how much of an impact these thoughts have had on me.

I had been feeling quite low for the past couple of days.

Today afternoon, while walking back home with a friend, it started drizzling. It wasn’t unusual (it has been raining on and off during the past few weeks) or sudden (it has been cloudy for a couple of days). But it changed something within me. It felt good. I felt an urge to stay out in the rain for a while longer. It evoked a kind of happiness in me that I can’t seem to explain. It was not an overwhelming emotion…just plain happiness. A good feeling within, just a sense of being content and happy with wherever I was at that particular point in life. I went up to the terrace and sat there for a while. The rain had stopped by then but I knew it wouldn’t be long before it returned. At that moment, sitting there, watching the sky and lost in thoughts, I felt a deep sense of contentment with life. Almost like I was living solely in that moment. Even though I believe in the concept of living one’s life fully and in the moment, I have to admit that I hardly ever come across moments like this. And when I do, they touch me far deeper than ever; they leave me filled with thoughts that demand to be let out! (Right now, I feel flooded by so many thoughts, I don’t know which ones to let out!)

Since it was the rain that led to this “outpour” of thoughts, I suppose I’ll let rain take the limelight here. Today, while it was raining, I had so many thoughts going through my mind…and when I paid attention to these passing thoughts, I realized that they were mostly vivid memories, all related to rain. Some of them were almost long-forgotten. I thought I’d list out a few, to pore over on some other rainy day.

Rain reminds me of:

1) How I used to long for rainy days during childhood. I loved floating paper boats in the puddles, getting drenched in the rain (although that rarely happened) or just listening to the rain falling outside. Since rain wasn’t very common, I used to love whenever it rained, even if it meant mess and mud and dampness.

2) Schooldays! I loved going to school on rainy days. Inspite of the fact that I hated getting my feet wet, I enjoyed rainy school days. I used to love the small puddles on the school ground. Not the messy corridors, though. We used to make excuses or happily carry out errands for the teachers, just to get out of class and go out in the rain.

3) Quite contrary to school time, I hated rain during college. Perhaps because there was an excess of it! I dreaded going to class on rainy days. I hated the muddy paths, the drenched uniforms, the cold, everything! One distinct memory is of an instance when one moment, we  (classmates) were all walking slowly, ‘navigating’ around muddy puddles and talking, and the next moment, it started raining cats and dogs, and we ran to find shelter, splashing mud all around (need I add we ended up looking very much pitiable).

4) Songs. Experiences – Every time it rains, the first song to come to mind is Unnai Kandane (Parijatham). It has become almost synonymous to rain. Apart from all the memories of travelling on rainy days or of curling up in the bed, listening to the rain outside, another rainy experience I’ll always remember is the one I had while I was at Kochi – going up to the terrace with a PGmate/friend and enjoying the rain.  Evidently, it was good enough to make me blog about it. The memory and the post, in particular, have immense significance for me!

5) And now, rain will always remind me of today and the happiness it brought forth in me. Because it happened at a point when I badly needed it. Or perhaps, because it made me see things I had been overlooking, like the need to be happy by oneself.

So, what does rain remind you of? 

 

 

(A bit of) Straightening Up :)

Apparently, one post was all it took! I already feel like I’m back to blogging.

During my active-blogging-days, I used to go through each day, see everything partly through a blogger’s eyes. I used to always be open to wandering thoughts and ponder over how to write it out. Each passing thought or incident went through a sort of scrutiny, just in case it was something I could blog about. And, I seem to be back to that stage now. I keep thinking of what I could possibly blog about; I write down interesting sentences I build up in my head, jot down random thoughts; I observe people, places and situations much more closely. Do note that this happened just hours after my previous blog post. And, then, it struck me…I feel like I’m back on track. Almost, I suppose.

The past few months were much like a whirlwind of activities. March was my last month at school, as a teacher. And I was completely caught up with everything. Completing portions, spending time with the kids, finishing up the tasks. It was quite hectic but I didn’t really mind. Probably because I knew that I wouldn’t get to experience it again. April was more of a roller-coaster ride. I finally got to Bangalore (a place I’ve had in mind for the past two years!) and before I knew it, everything had fallen into place much more perfectly than I had expected to. I’ve almost settled in with the new atmosphere, place and people. Like any roller-coaster ride, I also had some down-times, instances when I was emotionally low. But then, I know it will pass (even though it seems to be taking its own time in doing so).

The only writing I did in the last few months was in my diary…the normal rant about incidents, emotions, day-to-day events, random thoughts. Even those entries were not regular. Still, I kept at it. For the sake of the joy and solace it gave me every time I wrote something.

A week or so ago, while writing out about the day, I realized that it had been ages since I wrote a poem. There was a time when I used to have books/diaries filled with poems and now, I can’t remember the last time I wrote one! That’s when it struck me that I hadn’t really been writing, in the true sense of the word. Whatever writing I did in the diary barely helped in keeping the spark alive. It felt like I had been trying to keep myself just alive, barely so…and not nurture it back to life completely. Like managing to stay afloat but never taking the effort to reach ashore.

So, now, I need to get out of the rut and..well, write. For real. 🙂 Thoughts and ideas are always welcome. (I could seriously use some help!)

What does writing mean to you? What does it do for you? 🙂