Thoughts in Loops

A remarkable snippet from the conversation I had with someone I met today –

He: You are not happy with your life

Me: Nothing like that, I am happy about where I am right now.

He: No, you are not. 

Me: No, seriously, I am. I’m happy with my job… 

[Interrupting] He: It’s not about the job…

Me: I understand. I’m happy with my job, I love the place, I love the people. OK, I admit I don’t love the place where I stay but that’s not such a big deal. Basically, I am happy with stuff…but on the whole, if you ask me, I can’t say I’m completely happy. There’s something…

He: It’s incomplete.

Me: Exactly! [smiling wide as the realization strikes, thinking “That’s it, that’s what I couldn’t place all this while, there’s something missing.”]

Tries asking if he is happy, to know if he feels the incompleteness too. Seems he doesn’t, he is happy with life. Ok, so why am I not happy? Too screwed up in the head? What’s wrong with me? Wonders aloud what could be causing the insufficiency. 

[Answers my thoughts] He: Freedom! 

Me: Exactly! [Thinking “How the hell does this guy come up with all the answers for my life?”]

And, like some light just dawned on me, I realize what’s missing in my life. The freedom to live life the way I want. I don’t want restrictions. I want to be let free completely, so that I can choose between right and wrong by myself, make some mistakes, learn and live life. This realization kinda opened my eyes (thanks to the awesome guy who helped).

After seeing him off, I was walking back. On the way, I had another thought…a line that this same person had mentioned a few days ago. And, at that moment, as we moved far away from each other, that line came back to me. And I knew he was right. ‘I fear I won’t be the same anymore, after meeting you.’ I’m not the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore.

I got back sometime ago. I had these two thoughts going around in my head in loops (bits for the day). And I knew I had to blog about it. Today has also changed my perceptions about railway stations. 😉

Meme-Time !! :)

One of my blog-friends – Tom Baker from Morningerection – has been doing a Meme for the past couple of years. And guess what? I’m part of it this year! Basically, what it means is some 20 questions are collected and bloggers participating in the meme are supposed to answer them in a blog post. These are the questions and my answers for the meme of July 2012.
Meme July 2012
1. When you were a child what was the hardest or scariest thing in the world (i.e. movie, book, chore, etc.) to you that as an adult is neither hard nor scary?
Ans. As a child, I was scared of the dark and the scariest thing was when I had to go into a dark room or pass through a dark corridor! I guess all of us might have experienced this at some point or the other. Thankfully, I have grown out of that fear.
 2. If you were offered the chance to be a cooking star on a Food Network show, which of these three would you choose for a mentor: Bobby Flay, Giada de Laurentis or Alton Brown?
Ans. I don’t know any of them. But even with a mentor, I don’t think I’d exactly shine as a ‘cooking’ star (I’m so not into cooking!). 
3. What is your favorite theme offered by your blogging platform that you are not using and what theme do you absolutely hate? Provide links to both along with your explanation.
Ans. From the few themes I’ve checked out, I loved Beach and Fruit-shake, because  they are such bright themes, with  lot of colours! Why I don’t use it…well, I guess I’m really comfortable with the current theme I’ve chosen. I just don’t feel like changing it. 🙂 
I don’t hate any themes. But my least favourites would be Piano Black and Monochrome. They both seem too dark and dull. I’ve felt that they kinda take the fun out of reading. I did use Monochrome initially but found it too dull for my taste.
4. Who is someone from your past that you are sorry you lost track of?
Ans. There are a lot of people whom I lost track of (by the way, I’ve regained contact with some through FB), but nobody special enough to feel sorry about. But there’s this favourite teacher of mine  – Sangeetha ma’am – who left school, and now, I have no idea where she is. And I feel sad about having lost track of her. She’s the only one I can remember right now.
5. What would you take to a deserted island?
Ans. My diary and pen, if I get to take only one thing. If I can take more, then..well, there will definitely be lots more. 🙂
6. If you could get into the mind  of anyone (living or dead) and read all their thoughts, whose mind would you choose to raid?
Ans.  There are a lot of people whose minds I would have loved to peek into. But, for now, I’d like to go for Hitler. I find him fascinating in a very odd way and would like to get into his mind, read his thoughts and kinda…know him. 
7. What are the entire contents of the top drawer of the table directly next to your side of the bed?
Ans.  Lots of books and some magazines.
8. What is the one thing you have in your dorm, apartment, or house that you never want your parents to find.
Ans. I have a bag which has all my previous diaries. I’d never want my parents to find it!!!!
9. Your daughter is having a sleepover for her 12th birthday. Around 8:00 pm a thunderstorm knocks out power. How do you entertain twelve pre-teen girls when all the cell-phone batteries have died?
Ans. I would join in with the fun and go all crazy with them (I’m sure I’ll be really young & stupid at heart even when I’m a parent!)… We could sing out crazy songs at the top of our voices, have a game of ‘Truth or Dare’ (it’s always fun, especially in the dark!!), maybe tell some scary stories (if the girls are up for it!)…lot of options! 
10. What aspect/trait about your personality are you most sensitive about (as in, you wouldn’t stand anyone criticizing about this one aspect)?
Ans. I hate people commenting on how I need to eat more, get healthier! I love the way I’m. Basically, I hate it when people make fun of anything related to my appearance. I suppose that’s natural. Also, I love healthy comments but I cannot stand anyone making fun or unnecessarily criticizing my writing (blog included).
11. Mr. Tom Baker has had two previous virtual nude dinner parties. He is now inviting you, his blogger friends to his home for a real nude dinner party. This is not a virtual dinner party; it is the real thing with all expenses paid and the usual five course dinner prepared by him. Will you or will you not be present at said nude party?
Ans. Sorry, Tom. But I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. 
12. What one piece of movie memorabilia from which movie would you love to own?
Ans. Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak 🙂 Always wanted it, ever since I read about it and saw it in the movie! 
13. If literary characters were real and you could interview any one of them, who would it be and what’s the first question you would ask?
Ans. There are a lot of characters I would love to talk to (interview sounds too serious!). First one to come to my mind right now (because I was talking about this last day) is Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock Holmes’ brother. And the first question I’d ask him – “Are you single?” Because I truly love Mycroft; he’s one literary character I’d love to date! 😉  And yes, Robert Langdon, too! 
14. If you had to choose a theme song for yourself from only the Classical genre, which song would it be?
Ans. I’m not familiar with songs in the Classical genre. So, I don’t think I can answer this question. But, if I could choose any song, the first song to come to mind is ‘Soulmate’ by Natasha Beddingfield. Whenever I hear that song, I think it’s so ME, so much like what I have in my head. 
15. What is your most quirky habit?
Ans. I’ve a few quirky habits. My favourite one is – I’m addicted to the question/word “Why”. I cannot stay for long without asking ‘Why’ even if the situation/context is stupid. 
16. When was the last time you took the time to act like a child and what did you do?
Ans. I think I (almost) always act like a child. I always blurt out nonsense like kids, end up doing a lot of crazy stuff, love getting into silly troubles, ask silly questions… 
17. If there was ever a past relationship, (friend or otherwise), that you could go back and mend, would you? Who would it be with, and why?
Ans. Yes. There was this guy who was one of my closest friends in college. But we grew apart because of certain issues. By the time we tried to talk, it was too late; our worlds had grown too far apart. So, if I could go back and mend a relationship, I would mend our friendship. Because I miss it a lot!
18. What would you do if all of your followers left comments daily and would be it be too much for you to handle? Would you hire someone to answer comments for you?
Ans. I’d only be happy if my followers started doing that. It would never be too much for me to handle. And hire someone to answer comments? Hell, NO!
19. Do you know how far back your ancestry goes on either side of your family tree? How far?
Ans. Uhh…this is embarrassing, but I’m afraid I know only until my grandparents, on either side! Nothing beyond it. I’ve heard my dad talk about his grandparents, does that count? 
20. If you could compare yourself to anything in the universe, what would you compare yourself to? Why?
Ans. I’d choose to compare myself to the Phoenix. Like the mythical bird that ignites itself at the end of its life span and then is reborn from its ashes, I’m a person who is constantly reborn from my own depression and suffering. Everytime I encounter sorrow, I try to derive strength from that pain and come back to life. 🙂 

Moving On Can Be Super-Scary!

I just have two more weeks left! I don’t believe this. I can’t believe almost two months have gone by so fast! I’m already going crazy, thinking of the hell lot of stuff I’ll have to do once I get back. And apart from the tension, one emotion that’s been disturbing me is the sorrow of leaving. Once I start working, I have no idea when I’ll be able to come here on a vacation like this. For now, I’m just pushing aside that thought. For later.

It might sound stupid to some and crazy to some others. Even I’m amazed at what I’m about to embark on. I have absolutely no idea about what to do or how to go about with things, once I get back to India. I’m planning to move to a city that’s completely new and strange to me. I don’t even have close friends there! And I have no plan, not even a rough idea of how I intend to make this happen. Am I scared? Hell, yes, I am. Am I tensed? Yes, very much, even though I’m keeping a large part of it for later.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to find a place to stay, live by myself, manage everything by myself in a completely new city… I did NOT tell my parents about how scared I’m. I don’t think I ever will. They are already pretty freaked out and tensed. They tried tempting me with the idea of working over here. But I stayed firm on my decision. Anyway, I don’t want them to know I’m super-clueless, too. All that worry could be injurious to their health. 🙂

I did talk about this with some friends. Some of them said they believed I could do it, that I’d be able to pull through these situations. But a couple of my closest friends (one of them being Saba) were really concerned and asked me to think well before deciding. Saba, in particular, was super-worried. She tried her best to talk me into staying here. And, to be frank, she made me think about a lot of aspects that hadn’t occurred to me. Anyhow, eventually, she supported me in my decision. Not because I convinced her or anything (I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that!). But because she knows me.

For one thing, I’m firm (read: stubborn) when it comes to my decisions. Another thing, as she rightly pointed out, is that if I fall for my parents’ suggestion and stay back, I’ll never be able to feel fully happy. I will always wonder how things would have turned out had I gone forward with my plan. And it will keep gnawing at my happiness. So, she told me that it’s better that I go ahead with my decision. Otherwise I’ll never be happy. 🙂 I love her for saying that!

I’m aware of the risk I’m taking. I know things can go wrong. Very wrong. But, let’s just be positive. And, even if something goes wrong, I know I’ll deal with it somehow. That’s what life is about, after all. That’s how you learn to live! Exactly why I want to take this risk. I want to get out of the comfort zone that I’ve been in all these years, know what it is like to live by myself, deal with problems on my own…experience life. 🙂

Lot of hopes, dreams…and yes, a tiny bit of worries. Let’s wait and see how things turn out to be! 🙂

5 Things I Hate About Horror Movies


After watching Amusement (refer an earlier post to know what I’m talking about!),  there were a lot of things that struck me as weird in horror movies. Thoughts that I had in my head for quite sometime but never paid much attention to. So, after the irritating experience with this particular movie, I thought I’d put up a post about it. And here I am!

I’m going to list out 5 things I hate about horror movies. I might be able to come up with more than 5 but I think I’ll stick to 5 for now. 🙂 This is totally my personal perceptions; you might think different, of course. These are things that I have found irritating about horror movies. Most horror movies. Even though there maybe exceptions, I can’t think of many, to be honest. So, now that the disclaimer part is over, let’s get on.

1. They do not scare me – I guess there might be a lot of people out

there who get shit scared by horror movies; even by those slight, sudden movements in them. I love horror movies and watch a lot of it. But, frankly, I haven’t yet seen a movie that can truly scare me. There might be certain instances (not many of them, though) that make me start or shudder…but nothing that will actually give me the chills. Maybe it’s kinda wrong of me to blame horror movies for not scaring me, since almost everyone else seems to find it scary enough. Anyhow, I’m talking about what I hate in them, and I cannot NOT say this. When I sit down to watch a horror movie, I want to get scared. That’s what such movies are meant for. It gets a little frustrating and ummm…unsatisfying, when nothing much seems to be happening each time. Come on… you watch a comedy and, throughout the movie, if you don’t find anything much to laugh about, wouldn’t you feel the same?

2. Unnecessary background music – Sometimes, while watching a horror movie, I’ve noticed that the background music can get a little too jarring. And I hate the fact that the music is kinda like a warning… For example: Imagine this usual scene from a movie – “a silent house, girl walking in…music starts, warning you something is about to happen (as if you can’t already guess!), increases tempo…and BAM! Girl sees a figure/whatever.” I’ve felt that even though the music is supposed to enhance the spooky effect, it only serves to spoil the actual sudden gasp that could have come if the music hadn’t been there. This is my personal opinion, though. I’ve noticed that you can actually ‘watch’ a horror movie and predict the scenes/moves with your eyes closed, just listening to the music. And my friend does that. So, I know!

3. Unrealistic moves – What I mean by this point is – in most horror movies, the characters make some really unrealistic moves. Like, when you’re alone in a house and you hear a very scary noise, would you  actually go towards the noise and check out what it is? Or would you just stay in your bed, eyes closed,  hiding under the blanket? I would do the latter, any day! At night, if I happen to wake up, and I hear some weird noise, I DO NOT get up to go check on it. Then, how come all  characters in  all horror movies do it? Even the small kids seem to have quite a lot of guts! I know the movie wouldn’t progress if the person didn’t go towards the sound/whatever. But I’m just too tired of watching the same stuff in every horror movie!

4. They aren’t exactly ‘horror‘ movies – Most of the movies that were supposedly horror were more like slasher movies. Just a lot of creative killing.  That isn’t horror. That can’t really scare you (not me, atleast).

Horror for me would mean supernatural stuff… A crazy guy going around killing people in crazy ways is not my idea of horror.  Movies like Saw, Final Destination, Sorority Row and Nightmare on Elm Street do not scare me. More than half of the movies that are labelled as horror aren’t really that. And, sometimes, the killings are too gruesome, like they have been made gruesome to make it seem scary.

5. Story-line is the same – Almost all horror movies have the same story line. It’s so predictable. One fine morning, something starts happening, people start getting killed, a main character starts thinking there’s something odd,  goes around trying to find out, finally finds out that some long-dead person or someone with a past vengeance is doing the whole thing. And in so many cases, the ultimate reason/story behind the killer’s vengeance isn’t all that great. You’re left with the thought: “WTF? That’s it? I mean, did he go around killing all those people for this stupid reason?” I hate that!

So…guess that’s it. 🙂 Let me stress the point, again, that these are my personal opinions and I’m sure so many out there will disagree. Anyway, this is what I’ve felt. And these are elements I hate in horror movies! Tadaaa… 🙂 Have a Horrific Weekend ahead!




Are You Afraid To Die?

Yet another day…that brings me closer to the end of college, closer to the start of a new phase in life. 🙂

Yesterday, the father of one of my classmates passed away. He had been hospitalized for a while, so I think it wasn’t too much of a shock. But losing a parent, especially at such a young age, is never less traumatic just because you were already kinda warned. All of us went to her place for the funeral. I’m not personally very close to her, yet it broke my heart to see her sitting there, holding in the pain that she was going through. Coming in contact with death always has a somber effect on my mood. I sat there, watching the people coming and going while my friend sat there, probably lost in memories or thoughts. I thought about how it could have been my parent or somebody else’s…how we were so close to losing someone close to us. I thought about how short our lives are…yet how we never seem to see it! After the funeral, I saw the relatives and others coming out and was surprised to see them chatting with others they knew. They were all solemn and serious one moment, and right after stepping out, it seemed like they had completely forgotten about whatever happened inside. They were busy talking about their kid’s classes or that person’s marriage or this person’s new car. All this, while my friend was crying her heart out over the loss of her father. Of course, it wasn’t their loss, it was her’s and only her’s.

I asked a friend who was near me, about why they behaved so indifferent. She replied that death is not something people want to dwell over. That’s when I realized that loss and death are not concepts that people like to think about, until it happens to them. They prefer ignoring that certain fact until it arrives at their threshold. We know we will all die someday, any day, in fact. Yet that is something we (almost) NEVER choose to think about. Maybe because we don’t want to acknowledge the possibility of having to die someday soon, or perhaps we are just plain scared. I’m a person who constantly thinks about death…not that I want to die. But whenever I want to do something and don’t know if I should, I ask myself: “If I die today/tomorrow, will I regret not doing this?” And that gives me my answer, within an instant!

I see death as an inspiration to live – live more, live better. The possibility of death happening any minute, any second, makes me want to live now, this moment. I don’t want to leave behind regrets or anything that I’d have liked to do. So, I try my best to do what I love and love what I do, just so that I won’t have to die with any regrets. It drives me to do things that I might not have done otherwise, to build relationships that I wouldn’t have cared about otherwise, to be happy as much as possible. Because you can never be sure about tomorrow. And frankly, I don’t think I care about dying tomorrow. I have reached a point where I can say, with complete certainty, that I am not afraid to die. I ask this question to a lot of friends. I have come across very few who say they are not afraid to die.

I say I don’t have the fear (of death) because I know I have done what I wanted to do, until this moment. If I had to die right now, this very minute, I would be fine with it. Because I know I have lived my life, I have done whatever I wanted to, done the maximum I could with the available situation/resources/time. Yes, there’s a lot more that I’d like to do, so much of it, in fact. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is how much you lived your life. I have had my (more than) fair share of fun, laughed a lot, known, given and got lots of love, made others happy, made some awesome friends, learnt so much… Basically, I have lived. To the full, until this moment. Period. I don’t see why I should be scared to die now. Yes, I’d like to tell my loved ones that I love them a lot, before leaving. But that doesn’t really matter, because I’m sure I’ve already made it clear to them. Moreover, my diary says enough of it for them to know that they mean a lot to me.

So, I think the fear of death comes when you haven’t really lived your life fully, when you feel you haven’t done half of what you wanted to do, when you know you’re yet to live life. I may not have done much, in another person’s perspective. But I know I’ve lived life and that’s more than enough for me. If you have always pulled back from doing something or kept something for later or are waiting to sort out a fight with a loved one (keeping it for the next day and then the next)…in short, if you’re keeping ‘living life’ for later, then stop it now. And start living. For, you never know about tomorrow. Love, laugh, live. Be happy. Kick out that fear of death; it will only stand in the way of living, anyway. And be able to say that you have lived, done what you wanted, what you can, until now…

P.S : When I say I’m not afraid of death, I’m referring solely to my death. I do NOT mean to say that I’m OK with any of my family members or friends (dear ones, in short) passing away.

The Secret to my Fear

Last day, I was reading a post (The Truth About Bees) in Tinkerbelle’s blog (it’s my top fav blog; do check it out when you can, you’ll love it!). It reminded me of how all our inexplicable or unnatural fears might have their roots in our childhood. You may never realize it, never even think about a possibility like that. Or maybe you have thought about it but can’t remember any childhood experiences that could be responsible for your fears.

Last week, at Goa, I got to encounter one such fear of mine. I had mentioned it in my blog post about the trip but it never struck me as unnatural, for some reason. While at the beach, the few friends who were with me were trying to go as deeper into the sea as they could. They enjoyed being dragged back to the shore by the huge waves, at times. All of them seemed completely comfortable and were, evidently, having a great time. Except me. I did enjoy it, I must admit. But whenever a wave took me off my feet, I felt this sudden panic, a kind of clutching fear at my chest and one thought running in my head – I’m going to drown. I was holding onto the hand of a friend but that did nothing to reduce the intensity of my ‘terror attacks’. He kept assuring me I wouldn’t get carried off or drown or anything of that sort. I would nod my head and smile at him. And then, the next wave would come along, bringing back the horror, all over again. Everyone tried to convince me I would be safe. I just didn’t know why it was impossible for me to accept it and have fun like them. After we got ashore, I never bothered to think about it. Until a couple of days ago.I have finally unearthed the possible root to my fear.

When I was 4 years or so, my family and I had gone to this beach (I don’t remember the details clearly, it’s all a vague memory right now). I was completely fascinated by the sea and couldn’t wait to get into the water. I was holding my dad’s hand and going into the water, slowly. At some point, I think I got toppled over by the waves or something. The next thing I knew, I had fallen down and my head was under water. I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know what to do. My dad did pull me up right then. It might have lasted for hardly 2-3 seconds but during those couple of seconds, I felt a fear so terrifying that I couldn’t possibly put it into words. If you have read Deep Water by William Douglas, you will know exactly what I’m talking about. Anyway, I can also remember another similar experience from my childhood (during the same time period, I think) when I fell into the water and went through a crushing terror. So there, I have solved the mystery of my fear of the sea (or any water body, for that matter).

When I read Tinkerbelle’s blog post about a similar topic, I was surprised. I had just recently figured out the reason for my own fear. And I felt inspired to write about it. I have been asking my friends, too, if they have any unexplained, mysterious fears. And I have asked them to try thinking back, try to find out if some event in their childhood could be connected to it. Almost all such fears that we experience now can be connected to some such situation we went through as a child. So, in case you have wondered why you’re so scared of something, try to think back into your childhood. The answer might lie there! Now, that reminds me…what could possibly be the reason for my unnatural fear of cockroaches/spiders/creepy-crawly creatures??? 🙂

Photography by Martin Vincent

So, do you have any such unexplained fears? And have you realized what could be the reason for it?