Thoughts in Loops

A remarkable snippet from the conversation I had with someone I met today –

He: You are not happy with your life

Me: Nothing like that, I am happy about where I am right now.

He: No, you are not. 

Me: No, seriously, I am. I’m happy with my job… 

[Interrupting] He: It’s not about the job…

Me: I understand. I’m happy with my job, I love the place, I love the people. OK, I admit I don’t love the place where I stay but that’s not such a big deal. Basically, I am happy with stuff…but on the whole, if you ask me, I can’t say I’m completely happy. There’s something…

He: It’s incomplete.

Me: Exactly! [smiling wide as the realization strikes, thinking “That’s it, that’s what I couldn’t place all this while, there’s something missing.”]

Tries asking if he is happy, to know if he feels the incompleteness too. Seems he doesn’t, he is happy with life. Ok, so why am I not happy? Too screwed up in the head? What’s wrong with me? Wonders aloud what could be causing the insufficiency. 

[Answers my thoughts] He: Freedom! 

Me: Exactly! [Thinking “How the hell does this guy come up with all the answers for my life?”]

And, like some light just dawned on me, I realize what’s missing in my life. The freedom to live life the way I want. I don’t want restrictions. I want to be let free completely, so that I can choose between right and wrong by myself, make some mistakes, learn and live life. This realization kinda opened my eyes (thanks to the awesome guy who helped).

After seeing him off, I was walking back. On the way, I had another thought…a line that this same person had mentioned a few days ago. And, at that moment, as we moved far away from each other, that line came back to me. And I knew he was right. ‘I fear I won’t be the same anymore, after meeting you.’ I’m not the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore.

I got back sometime ago. I had these two thoughts going around in my head in loops (bits for the day). And I knew I had to blog about it. Today has also changed my perceptions about railway stations. 😉

Meme-Time !! :)

One of my blog-friends – Tom Baker from Morningerection – has been doing a Meme for the past couple of years. And guess what? I’m part of it this year! Basically, what it means is some 20 questions are collected and bloggers participating in the meme are supposed to answer them in a blog post. These are the questions and my answers for the meme of July 2012.
Meme July 2012
1. When you were a child what was the hardest or scariest thing in the world (i.e. movie, book, chore, etc.) to you that as an adult is neither hard nor scary?
Ans. As a child, I was scared of the dark and the scariest thing was when I had to go into a dark room or pass through a dark corridor! I guess all of us might have experienced this at some point or the other. Thankfully, I have grown out of that fear.
 2. If you were offered the chance to be a cooking star on a Food Network show, which of these three would you choose for a mentor: Bobby Flay, Giada de Laurentis or Alton Brown?
Ans. I don’t know any of them. But even with a mentor, I don’t think I’d exactly shine as a ‘cooking’ star (I’m so not into cooking!). 
3. What is your favorite theme offered by your blogging platform that you are not using and what theme do you absolutely hate? Provide links to both along with your explanation.
Ans. From the few themes I’ve checked out, I loved Beach and Fruit-shake, because  they are such bright themes, with  lot of colours! Why I don’t use it…well, I guess I’m really comfortable with the current theme I’ve chosen. I just don’t feel like changing it. 🙂 
I don’t hate any themes. But my least favourites would be Piano Black and Monochrome. They both seem too dark and dull. I’ve felt that they kinda take the fun out of reading. I did use Monochrome initially but found it too dull for my taste.
4. Who is someone from your past that you are sorry you lost track of?
Ans. There are a lot of people whom I lost track of (by the way, I’ve regained contact with some through FB), but nobody special enough to feel sorry about. But there’s this favourite teacher of mine  – Sangeetha ma’am – who left school, and now, I have no idea where she is. And I feel sad about having lost track of her. She’s the only one I can remember right now.
5. What would you take to a deserted island?
Ans. My diary and pen, if I get to take only one thing. If I can take more, then..well, there will definitely be lots more. 🙂
6. If you could get into the mind  of anyone (living or dead) and read all their thoughts, whose mind would you choose to raid?
Ans.  There are a lot of people whose minds I would have loved to peek into. But, for now, I’d like to go for Hitler. I find him fascinating in a very odd way and would like to get into his mind, read his thoughts and kinda…know him. 
7. What are the entire contents of the top drawer of the table directly next to your side of the bed?
Ans.  Lots of books and some magazines.
8. What is the one thing you have in your dorm, apartment, or house that you never want your parents to find.
Ans. I have a bag which has all my previous diaries. I’d never want my parents to find it!!!!
9. Your daughter is having a sleepover for her 12th birthday. Around 8:00 pm a thunderstorm knocks out power. How do you entertain twelve pre-teen girls when all the cell-phone batteries have died?
Ans. I would join in with the fun and go all crazy with them (I’m sure I’ll be really young & stupid at heart even when I’m a parent!)… We could sing out crazy songs at the top of our voices, have a game of ‘Truth or Dare’ (it’s always fun, especially in the dark!!), maybe tell some scary stories (if the girls are up for it!)…lot of options! 
10. What aspect/trait about your personality are you most sensitive about (as in, you wouldn’t stand anyone criticizing about this one aspect)?
Ans. I hate people commenting on how I need to eat more, get healthier! I love the way I’m. Basically, I hate it when people make fun of anything related to my appearance. I suppose that’s natural. Also, I love healthy comments but I cannot stand anyone making fun or unnecessarily criticizing my writing (blog included).
11. Mr. Tom Baker has had two previous virtual nude dinner parties. He is now inviting you, his blogger friends to his home for a real nude dinner party. This is not a virtual dinner party; it is the real thing with all expenses paid and the usual five course dinner prepared by him. Will you or will you not be present at said nude party?
Ans. Sorry, Tom. But I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. 
12. What one piece of movie memorabilia from which movie would you love to own?
Ans. Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak 🙂 Always wanted it, ever since I read about it and saw it in the movie! 
13. If literary characters were real and you could interview any one of them, who would it be and what’s the first question you would ask?
Ans. There are a lot of characters I would love to talk to (interview sounds too serious!). First one to come to my mind right now (because I was talking about this last day) is Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock Holmes’ brother. And the first question I’d ask him – “Are you single?” Because I truly love Mycroft; he’s one literary character I’d love to date! 😉  And yes, Robert Langdon, too! 
14. If you had to choose a theme song for yourself from only the Classical genre, which song would it be?
Ans. I’m not familiar with songs in the Classical genre. So, I don’t think I can answer this question. But, if I could choose any song, the first song to come to mind is ‘Soulmate’ by Natasha Beddingfield. Whenever I hear that song, I think it’s so ME, so much like what I have in my head. 
15. What is your most quirky habit?
Ans. I’ve a few quirky habits. My favourite one is – I’m addicted to the question/word “Why”. I cannot stay for long without asking ‘Why’ even if the situation/context is stupid. 
16. When was the last time you took the time to act like a child and what did you do?
Ans. I think I (almost) always act like a child. I always blurt out nonsense like kids, end up doing a lot of crazy stuff, love getting into silly troubles, ask silly questions… 
17. If there was ever a past relationship, (friend or otherwise), that you could go back and mend, would you? Who would it be with, and why?
Ans. Yes. There was this guy who was one of my closest friends in college. But we grew apart because of certain issues. By the time we tried to talk, it was too late; our worlds had grown too far apart. So, if I could go back and mend a relationship, I would mend our friendship. Because I miss it a lot!
18. What would you do if all of your followers left comments daily and would be it be too much for you to handle? Would you hire someone to answer comments for you?
Ans. I’d only be happy if my followers started doing that. It would never be too much for me to handle. And hire someone to answer comments? Hell, NO!
19. Do you know how far back your ancestry goes on either side of your family tree? How far?
Ans. Uhh…this is embarrassing, but I’m afraid I know only until my grandparents, on either side! Nothing beyond it. I’ve heard my dad talk about his grandparents, does that count? 
20. If you could compare yourself to anything in the universe, what would you compare yourself to? Why?
Ans. I’d choose to compare myself to the Phoenix. Like the mythical bird that ignites itself at the end of its life span and then is reborn from its ashes, I’m a person who is constantly reborn from my own depression and suffering. Everytime I encounter sorrow, I try to derive strength from that pain and come back to life. 🙂 

Moving On Can Be Super-Scary!

I just have two more weeks left! I don’t believe this. I can’t believe almost two months have gone by so fast! I’m already going crazy, thinking of the hell lot of stuff I’ll have to do once I get back. And apart from the tension, one emotion that’s been disturbing me is the sorrow of leaving. Once I start working, I have no idea when I’ll be able to come here on a vacation like this. For now, I’m just pushing aside that thought. For later.

It might sound stupid to some and crazy to some others. Even I’m amazed at what I’m about to embark on. I have absolutely no idea about what to do or how to go about with things, once I get back to India. I’m planning to move to a city that’s completely new and strange to me. I don’t even have close friends there! And I have no plan, not even a rough idea of how I intend to make this happen. Am I scared? Hell, yes, I am. Am I tensed? Yes, very much, even though I’m keeping a large part of it for later.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to find a place to stay, live by myself, manage everything by myself in a completely new city… I did NOT tell my parents about how scared I’m. I don’t think I ever will. They are already pretty freaked out and tensed. They tried tempting me with the idea of working over here. But I stayed firm on my decision. Anyway, I don’t want them to know I’m super-clueless, too. All that worry could be injurious to their health. 🙂

I did talk about this with some friends. Some of them said they believed I could do it, that I’d be able to pull through these situations. But a couple of my closest friends (one of them being Saba) were really concerned and asked me to think well before deciding. Saba, in particular, was super-worried. She tried her best to talk me into staying here. And, to be frank, she made me think about a lot of aspects that hadn’t occurred to me. Anyhow, eventually, she supported me in my decision. Not because I convinced her or anything (I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that!). But because she knows me.

For one thing, I’m firm (read: stubborn) when it comes to my decisions. Another thing, as she rightly pointed out, is that if I fall for my parents’ suggestion and stay back, I’ll never be able to feel fully happy. I will always wonder how things would have turned out had I gone forward with my plan. And it will keep gnawing at my happiness. So, she told me that it’s better that I go ahead with my decision. Otherwise I’ll never be happy. 🙂 I love her for saying that!

I’m aware of the risk I’m taking. I know things can go wrong. Very wrong. But, let’s just be positive. And, even if something goes wrong, I know I’ll deal with it somehow. That’s what life is about, after all. That’s how you learn to live! Exactly why I want to take this risk. I want to get out of the comfort zone that I’ve been in all these years, know what it is like to live by myself, deal with problems on my own…experience life. 🙂

Lot of hopes, dreams…and yes, a tiny bit of worries. Let’s wait and see how things turn out to be! 🙂