Being A Victim of Carnal Imprisonment

[Written yesterday]

The day was good. I took the first step towards a new plan, work is going great, I’m considerably happy and, my blogging is getting back on track. I admit I’m getting busier at work, which has its positives and negatives. I have lots to be occupied with, enough and more to do…but that also means I get very less time to relax, I can get easily stressed out. Which is why I’m thinking of new plans to add some life to my day.

The bit for today comes from the stress I’ve been feeling at work. Post-lunch hour, I feel very lazy and find it difficult to feel as enthusiastic as I do during the earlier hours. Anyway, past two or three days were exceptionally tiring. More than just tiring, I get this dull headache and want to go home so badly. Yesterday, it was worse. During the past three days, I have been feeling suffocated, kind of stifled (finally, found the right word).

So, a couple of days ago, I was experiencing this suffocated/stifled sensation and I stepped out onto the mini-balcony area for a while. I felt so much better, feeling the wind on my skin, being surrounded by so much space…and all of a sudden, I felt restricted by my body. Because, at that moment, I wanted to go out, run, fly…and I felt like my body was holding me back, chaining me! Then came a thought that surprised me…the voice in my head talking to myself – “I want to break free, get out of my body.” It was a very new thought – amusing and also shocking, in some ways. That day, I distinctly felt like someone who was imprisoned in her own body, like I literally wanted to get out of my body and give some life to my soul.

The concept of ‘soul’ has always been kinda…beyond understanding, reasoning and explanation. Yet, sometimes, you have experiences that sort of point at its presence. Like the one I had a couple of days ago. Honestly, it’s the first time I’m going through a thought/experience of that sort. Which is why it ended up being the bit! 

Ever felt like you want to get out of your body? Crazy question, I know. 

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Down. And I Don’t Know Why!

Yesterday, I was almost about to blog about this. But then, I thought it would be too emotional, too personal. After all, this is a blog, not my personal diary. I know this will be read by so many others and I wouldn’t want them to get bored with TMI about my emotions. So, I stopped myself from it. But today, I was checking out other blogs using the WordPress Reader, in an attempt to find some thread to blog about. While deciding which one to pick first, I saw the first few lines of a blog post. It sounded SO much (read: SO SO SO SO much) like what I was going through and I immediately knew I’d connect to it.

I read it. I loved it! I can’t tell you how much. I know it will seem negative and depressing to most of you, but I loved it because I know what the blogger is going through; because I echo everything she has said in the post. I don’t know if it’s mean to say this (I already told this to the blogger, anyway) but it felt comforting, in a lot of ways, to know that I’m not alone in my weird situation, that there is someone else going through the very same. Reading that post did quite a lot to lift my spirits a tiny bit higher. 🙂 I’m so glad she (the blogger) decided to post it, even though it was way too personal. Thank you so much, hastywords. This is the post I’ve been talking about, the post that inspired me to write the one I’m writing now – Mess In A Dress.

So, after reading that post, I’ve decided that I can blog about what I’m going through. The fact that someone else has already done it gave me courage. But apart from that, I also realized that there may be others out there who are feeling the same as me and I might be able to reach out to them, give them a little comfort, and let them know they aren’t alone. I know some of you will get bored…it’s going to be depressing for some. I suggest you turn back now, if you think you don’t want to deal with this (like you don’t have enough of your own, right?). Now (assuming there’s no one crazy enough to continue reading), I guess I’m free to ramble on to myself (love talking to myself!).

Well, I’ve been feeling so weirdly down, disturbed, confused and irritated for the past few days. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my usual spat of down-time. Whatever it is, I hate it! There’s this good friend of mine who has been asking me what the reason is, trying to help me as much as he can… How can he possibly help me when I don’t know the reason myself? It is frustrating when you know that you’re hurting your loved ones, and you can’t seem to do anything to stop it. I want to try to open up, but can’t seem to get the words out. It’s all there in my head, just can’t seem to bring it out (though it seems to be working over here!). How do I tell someone that I’m disturbed but don’t know why?

I don’t feel like doing anything, talking to anyone; nothing seems to make sense right now. I know I have so many loving souls around me, yet I can’t feel happy. I’ve tried figuring out why but haven’t got an answer yet. It’s surprising, though, how I can’t talk about this to any of my close friends but can tell it out so publicly here on a freaking blog!

Exactly, baby! You’re so right!

Well, so…that’s my problem. I’m disturbed, feeling so low and frustrated but I don’t know why. I feel almost suffocated by the overload of distress in me. I feign a happiness I don’t feel, I smile and talk pleasantly while inside, there’s this immense heaviness pulling me down, tearing me apart from within.

I’m not expecting any of you to flood me with comforting comments or anything. Hell, I don’t even expect you to read this! I suppose this was just an attempt to let out what’s in my head, what’s been there for quite a few days now. And if anyone reading this is experiencing the same down-time: “Hey there, I know how you feel. But I guess it’s ok. They say there’s a brighter side to everything. Maybe we should just stick together (all of us depressed souls) until we get to that side.”

 

P.S: I’m already feeling kinda better. 🙂

Bored (Yawwwnnnn!)

So, Easter’s just around the corner. I don’t think I’ll be with my family for Easter, though. I will, probably, be with a couple of friends. Especially since I’m having an exam right the day after Easter! 🙂 Iactuallystudied for the previous exam (yesterday’s) and it was quite easy for me! 🙂 So, that was motivation enough to make me study for the remaining exams.

My day started off kinda bad. Because: (1) I couldn’t sleep well last night, and was feeling very very drowsy. (2) I got this bad news about a viva-voce thing being scheduled from 20th onwards, which would ruin some of my plans!

I wouldn’t say I’m completely out of it, but, yes, I’m feeling kinda better. I just found something that made me smile! 🙂

Sometimes, when I blog, I feel like I’m diary-writing. Like, just now, I was almost going to begin my sentence with ‘Diary’; I happen to write like I’m talking to a person. 🙂 I know that sounds childish, but I love it.

Today was boring, even though Merlin and I were out the whole day! In fact, I think I’m too bored and dull to write anything intelligible for the day! 🙂 I hope I come up with something better for tomorrow. I don’t know WTF I have just written (and am on the verge of publishing). But this is what happens, sometimes, when I’m feeling moody and dull. Bear with me, for now. Better times are sure to come by, SOON!

Dull…Drained…

I’m kinda blank right now. I don’t know what to write about. Basically because there’s nothing new happening. After College Day I have had a couple of lazy days, sleeping or watching movies or just doing nothing. I spoke to Kiran a couple of days ago. We were talking after quite a while. And it felt good! Like, really good! 🙂

Our model exams began today. Not a big deal, to be honest. Actually, at this point, if you ask me, I’d say life’s a little too monotonous. It’s going good, I know…I’m happy, I admit. But there’s that distinct sense of emptiness and dullness, especially since College Day got over! So, I don’t know what to say. I’m literally blank! Somehow, the idea of leaving college is all that I can think of these days. Prominently, that is. And that thought drains me out in a way that leaves me blank. Like now. Today was good. I had an exam, it was ok; went out with Merlin, had lunch, got some stuff for a friend’s birthday party tonight (we’re planning to surprise her! :)). Although I should add that I’m not very enthusiastic about it, on the whole. Probably because I know we don’t really matter so much to this particular friend. I wonder if she will even remember us, after she leaves from college. Whatever! Not like it matters, you know.

So, I know this isn’t really fair. But I promise I’ll come up with something better for the next day. For now, this will have to do! 🙂