Moving On Can Be Super-Scary!

I just have two more weeks left! I don’t believe this. I can’t believe almost two months have gone by so fast! I’m already going crazy, thinking of the hell lot of stuff I’ll have to do once I get back. And apart from the tension, one emotion that’s been disturbing me is the sorrow of leaving. Once I start working, I have no idea when I’ll be able to come here on a vacation like this. For now, I’m just pushing aside that thought. For later.

It might sound stupid to some and crazy to some others. Even I’m amazed at what I’m about to embark on. I have absolutely no idea about what to do or how to go about with things, once I get back to India. I’m planning to move to a city that’s completely new and strange to me. I don’t even have close friends there! And I have no plan, not even a rough idea of how I intend to make this happen. Am I scared? Hell, yes, I am. Am I tensed? Yes, very much, even though I’m keeping a large part of it for later.

I seriously don’t know how I am going to find a place to stay, live by myself, manage everything by myself in a completely new city… I did NOT tell my parents about how scared I’m. I don’t think I ever will. They are already pretty freaked out and tensed. They tried tempting me with the idea of working over here. But I stayed firm on my decision. Anyway, I don’t want them to know I’m super-clueless, too. All that worry could be injurious to their health. 🙂

I did talk about this with some friends. Some of them said they believed I could do it, that I’d be able to pull through these situations. But a couple of my closest friends (one of them being Saba) were really concerned and asked me to think well before deciding. Saba, in particular, was super-worried. She tried her best to talk me into staying here. And, to be frank, she made me think about a lot of aspects that hadn’t occurred to me. Anyhow, eventually, she supported me in my decision. Not because I convinced her or anything (I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that!). But because she knows me.

For one thing, I’m firm (read: stubborn) when it comes to my decisions. Another thing, as she rightly pointed out, is that if I fall for my parents’ suggestion and stay back, I’ll never be able to feel fully happy. I will always wonder how things would have turned out had I gone forward with my plan. And it will keep gnawing at my happiness. So, she told me that it’s better that I go ahead with my decision. Otherwise I’ll never be happy. 🙂 I love her for saying that!

I’m aware of the risk I’m taking. I know things can go wrong. Very wrong. But, let’s just be positive. And, even if something goes wrong, I know I’ll deal with it somehow. That’s what life is about, after all. That’s how you learn to live! Exactly why I want to take this risk. I want to get out of the comfort zone that I’ve been in all these years, know what it is like to live by myself, deal with problems on my own…experience life. 🙂

Lot of hopes, dreams…and yes, a tiny bit of worries. Let’s wait and see how things turn out to be! 🙂

A Dose of Down-Time :(

Today is one of those days. I’m feeling so low. OK, not without a reason, I admit. Some issues have come up with the schedule and it’s getting on my nerves…which is VERY VERY BAD! Because I’m not in the mood to deal with anything of this sort, at the moment. But of course, Mr.Life (or is it Ms. or Mrs.)  has this way of flinging problems my way whenever I’m trying to deal with another. Does he/she think it’s funny? Because if he/she does, then it’s NOT! It’s seriously not funny to have to worry about something when I’m already a little low…when I want to be happy… Mr. Life, I think you should quit your job and let some awesome people (=ME, obviously) take over! I could do so much better than you! So, if you want to keep your job, pull yourself together, and get your act right!

Ha! That felt a lot better. It always helps me calm down when I have someone/something to shout at… 🙂 So relieving! What do you do to let out steam? (Just in case you love shouting out, like me, consider this a perfect platform for your pent-up anger! Always welcome, people!)

I’m sorry I won’t be coming up with interesting thoughts or experiences today, because all I want to do right now is let out the frustration I’m feeling. And I think I did that quite fine, for now! It’s weird how my blog has become something like a place where I (kinda) talk to myself (since I’m not saying all this to anyone in particular; I’m just saying it, right?)…I blurt out whatever’s in my head, good, bad, happy, sad, everything. It’s weird how I find joy in it! And now, I come over here just to shout out my anger, at nobody in particular! Isn’t that, like, super-cool? Thank you, WordPress! You rock! Happy weekend, people! 🙂

P.S : Maybe Friday the 13th is actually unlucky for me! Anyway, Happy Friday the !3th, everyone! 😀

The Question is… To Change Or Not To Change!

I really don’t know what to write about. Nothing has happened during the past few days. Actually, that’s not true. A lot has happened during the last week. But nothing that’s blog-material. I’ve been through a few disturbing incidents and am feeling quite low. I just hope the down-time isn’t back! 😦

Recently, I got to know something that a couple of my friends said about me to a mutual friend. They said that I have changed (sounds a lot like new information!). They think I have become less serious, less concerned about the future and other issues. The way they put it was: “Earlier, we could approach her for solutions to problems or intellectual stuff…But now, all she says is ‘Big deal/Leave it, man…blah blah’.” To be honest, I felt kinda hurt when my friend told me that. Hurt because they couldn’t understand me or accept me the way I am. But then, when I thought about it, I realized that I can’t blame them. They haven’t understood me, because they don’t know me. Yes, I have changed, like I explained in detail in an earlier post. So, maybe they cannot accept the way I am now. But I have changed for good. I have become more myself, now, more true to the person I am…and more importantly, I am what I want to be. I love the way I have changed, I love what I am now. So, if they think the ‘earlier-me’ was better and want me to change back to it, they mean to say they can’t accept me the way I am. This is me, this is what I am. Earlier, there were instances when I had to suppress this ‘true-me’ because I was just beginning to get comfortable with everyone and needed to accustom myself to everything. Now that I’m comfortable, I have, slowly, begun to come out of the shell and be more of myself. And that has, apparently, disturbed some friends who happen to stick to conventional ways of behaving (and believe everyone else should do the same). That just proves they cannot love me for who I really am. I don’t blame them. But I want them to know that this is me, and I’m not going to change it just because you can’t understand it. I’m so happy with the fact that I have begun to be myself, and I love it too much to let go of it for some people who don’t see who I am. They see what they want me to be. Sorry, guys. But you have to live with it.

Sort of what I'd like to tell all those out there!

About the change you are referring to…Yes, I have changed. But in a way I’ve loved and enjoyed. Being yourself involves knowing who you are, discovering yourself, being comfortable with it and letting it out. And that is exactly what I have done. It has been a beautiful journey – the one of being myself. I loved all the realizations that happened on the way, all that I learnt about myself. It’s all been such a great experience and I feel SUPER-GOOD, now that I’m being true to myself. Yes, I don’t worry too much about anything now. I admit I have my own issues bothering me, tormenting me when I’m alone. But I don’t let them ruin my happiness for long. I have realized that there’s no use worrying about something you can’t change. I am concerned about my future. But not in a way that I’ll spend hours fretting about what’s going to happen or what I’m going to do. I have a very good idea of what I want and I’ll do what I can to get there. What good is it going to do, right now, if I sit and torment myself, thinking about it? I admit, there used to be a time when I did that. But I have learnt that it does no good. Only outcome would be that I’ll be left in a depressed, confused and frustrated state of mind (precisely because I can’t do anything).

So, I stopped bothering too much about things that are out of my control. And also about problems that come up in day-to-day life. I have noticed that when a problem occurs, it gets solved after a while. Either by itself (by some natural miracle or something :P) or somehow someone (mostly myself) comes up with a solution. But I always used to worry myself to death over each small, silly or serious problem that came up. Until recently, when I started realizing the futility of the whole thing. Problems come and go. You can’t stop them by brooding over them. So, I stopped being over-depressed by them. When a problem comes my way, I do get disturbed. I won’t say I stay all cool and composed. I might spend some

Don't waste your life worrying over trifles

time pondering over it, trying to figure out what to do, how to get out of the mess. Mostly, it goes on for a day or so, depending on the magnitude/seriousness of the issue. But I tell myself there must be some way out. And sometime, sooner or later, I do find it and move on. Problem solved! So, where’s the need for all that unnecessary lot of despair? And that’s why I try to tell my friends that the problem may seem all huge and terrible…but once you calm yourself and believe that you can get through it, you will know that it’s no big deal…

So, I tell you not to worry so much/not make something a big deal/something in those lines because it’s no use doing all that. Just let it be. If you look at it positively, it’s not always that you get problems (I can already see some furious faces :D). You know it won’t stay forever. When you stop bothering so much, you will find a lot more peace of mind…and that almost always helps in coming up with a solution! Now, you know why I changed and how it happened. I’m going to be this way, for I love myself. Don’t expect me to change back to what I was, what you liked. With all due respect, I’d suggest you go find someone else (someone who doesn’t have an identity or a life for himself) for that kinda thing.

I can’t believe I actually wrote so much. And here I thought I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Well, I guess I write best when I’m provoked! 🙂

I Don’t Know What This is About…’Coz it’s about A LOT :)

Written yesterday evening, in an attempt to empty my mind.

The day was dull, if I had to describe it in one word. All around me, people are facing major problems in their friendships. Everyone’s hurt due to some reason or the other…almost all revolving around their friends. Some have realized that they were painfully wrong about the ones they called ‘friends’…some have been accused of having changed too much when all they have done is be themselves. So, it’s problems all around me…and I do what I can to help. And me? Well, I’m not hurt. Nor am I facing a major dilemma. But I have to admit, this isn’t really a clear-minded time for me. There are a couple of issues kinda bothering me. But thankfully, nothing major. Not yet, atleast. Something that REALLY makes me feel weird, lately, is seeing a lot of couples around. I seem to be running into them wherever I turn to…and it feels awkward, probably because I’m single and can’t really stand too much of the mushy stuff.

Anyway, since morning, I was craving for a cup of coffee. For some reason, I never seemed to get enough time to go and have one. So, I thought I’d go out and have it, after class. I mentioned coffee in my post, even…and that just intensified my longing. I felt like I could already smell it. After everything, I ran out with my friend, Merlin, to grab my cup of coffee. But, again, we couldn’t get it because of some reasons (which, amazingly, pops up right when I’m craving for it). You might wonder how hard it can be to get some coffee. Well, it seemed to be unnaturally hard, this particular day. Finally, when I reached hostel, the first thing I did was have a cup of coffee. Damn! That felt heavenly! The blessed aroma, the colour, the taste…and the rush I feel when it gets into my system! Coffee rocks! Anytime, any day! It felt super-good, especially since I had been craving for it so badly.

Another major craving I had today was for chocolates – lots of it! I didn’t get to have lots. But I did have enough to satiate my longing for the day. That’s one miracle that can always make me feel better. I can’t stop gushing about the pleasure it gives me. Truly heaven! And today (ie,

Love them, love them, love them!

yesterday), very aptly, is Chocolate Day (my friend said so)! I saw some pictures of delicious-looking chocolates…and I can’t stop thinking about them! Sometimes, all I need to turn my day around are chocolates. And maybe some coffee. 🙂 And a book…And a friend… OK, I think I’ll stop at that. No, wait, add some music to it, too… Guess that should be it… And perhaps…Ahh, never mind!! 😀

So, like I said, it’s wonderful to give in to your cravings…indulge in some guilty pleasures. Especially when things around you are going bad. These are ways to bring some spot of joy into your day, after all.

You know, it feels really odd to have almost all your friends in a relationship and busy with their (respective) guys. There’s no more girls’ days out, no more together-time. It’s mostly just couples’ time (with just 2 more months of college left, everyone wants to spend as much time together, ie. with their guy, as they can) and single souls like me and Merlin are left to have fun on our own. Not that I’m complaining. We (single souls) have plenty of fun when we can! 😉 But it’s just that I miss those group stuff…

By the way, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I have never liked the idea of keeping aside a day for expressing one’s love. Honestly speaking, I have never had a proper Valentine’s Day. Yeah, I have given and received cards & gifts. But nothing like a proper Valentine’s Day. I find it weird that we keep aside a particular day for love. Isn’t it supposed to happen everyday? Anyhow, I have to admit there’s a certain happiness when you get a card on V-Day, you kinda feel good with all the ‘love in the air’, seeing people (read : couples) around you so happy. Of course, it’s a different case altogether if you are single, or worse, recently single. But, I guess, V-Day is about love, any kind of love. So, you don’t necessarily need a guy/girl to make it perfect. A day out with your best friend or group of friends can be fun, too. Another element of V-Day is gifts!! I love getting them. Who doesn’t? But I prefer getting something a little personalized rather than the usual stuff (stuffed toys, perfumes, so on). I mean, the person should have given a little bit of thought to it, while selecting the gift. If you think about it, you can deduce how much a person has understood you from the gifts they give. Even if you choose something as usual as accessories, you could try to find something of a certain style the receiver might like, or maybe stuff of their favourite colour(s). That would show you have spent some genuine effort in the gift-selecting. I’d love a thoughtful gift…something that plainly calls out the person’s love and affection.

Gifts I’d love to get are:

  • Books, diaries, pens – I love reading and writing. So, these are the first options anyone who knows me would think about. Anything to do with books works perfectly fine with me. 🙂 I should warn you, anyhow…You’d probably be hugged to death!
  • Chocolates – Ahhhh! I don’t think I can ever stop talking about it! Gift me chocolates, any day! And I will be super-happy! Like super-super-happy! 🙂

    What I'd like for this V-Day 😀

  • Anklets – Part of my new craze. I love these funky, crazy anklets, especially ones with lots of colours. 🙂
  • Nose rings – Another one of my new-found crazes. I’m seriously in love with them. Get me ones with different colours and I’ll be jumping with delight!
  • T-shirts with crazy writings… Basically, anything that defines me. And anything that a person chooses with me in mind.
  • Or just surprise me! I’d LOVE that, too!!! 🙂

Basically, I select gifts for my friends by going around from shop to shop, looking for something that will remind me of them. Mostly, I find some stuff that will kinda leap out at me (when I think of the person), something that calls out their name, their identity. It’s fun!! What gifts would you love to get? And do you enjoy picking out gifts for your loved ones?