Thoughts in Loops

A remarkable snippet from the conversation I had with someone I met today –

He: You are not happy with your life

Me: Nothing like that, I am happy about where I am right now.

He: No, you are not.ย 

Me: No, seriously, I am. I’m happy with my job…ย 

[Interrupting] He: It’s not about the job…

Me: I understand. I’m happy with my job, I love the place, I love the people. OK, I admit I don’t love the place where I stay but that’s not such a big deal. Basically, I am happy with stuff…but on the whole, if you ask me, I can’t say I’m completely happy. There’s something…

He: It’s incomplete.

Me: Exactly! [smiling wide as the realization strikes, thinking “That’s it, that’s what I couldn’t place all this while, there’s something missing.”]

Tries asking if he is happy, to know if he feels the incompleteness too. Seems he doesn’t, he is happy with life. Ok, so why am I not happy? Too screwed up in the head? What’s wrong with me? Wonders aloud what could be causing the insufficiency.ย 

[Answers my thoughts] He: Freedom!ย 

Me: Exactly! [Thinking “How the hell does this guy come up with all the answers for my life?”]

And, like some light just dawned on me, I realize what’s missing in my life. The freedom to live life the way I want. I don’t want restrictions. I want to be let free completely, so that I can choose between right and wrong by myself, make some mistakes, learn and live life. This realization kinda opened my eyes (thanks to the awesome guy who helped).

After seeing him off, I was walking back. On the way, I had another thought…a line that this same person had mentioned a few days ago. And, at that moment, as we moved far away from each other, that line came back to me. And I knew he was right. ‘I fear I won’t be the same anymore, after meeting you.’ I’m not the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore.

I got back sometime ago. I had these two thoughts going around in my head in loops (bits for the day). And I knew I had to blog about it. Today has also changed my perceptions about railway stations. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Thoughts, On The Way

Some people can intimidate you. It’s normal. Some books can have the same effect on you (or is it just me?). Again, normal. But, last weekend, while travelling, I realized something strange. Places intimidate me. Like hell. And when I say places, I’m not merely referring to tall buildings, huge structural wonders. I’m talking about the place,ย as a whole.ย When I travel to new (or even old) places, I realize how less I know about it. More like how much of it is left for me to know, to see. And that is extremely intimidating. For me, atleast. I know it sounds weird. But then, that’s why I’m telling you about it.

When I go to a new place, the first emotion is always fascination, the awesome feeling that comes with knowing something new. And then, realization sets in. I look around and I see how much there’s left to be seen. Last weekend, I went to a friend’s place. The journey was special, because, after a long time, I got time by myself. Completely by myself. I observed some people, looked out at the passing sights, let my mind wander and thought up a hell lot.

Another weird thought that occurred to me was when I was just leaving the city where I currently reside. For a moment, I felt this pang of emotion. I can’t explain what exactly it was. Something similar to what I’d feel when I go away from home. I felt like I was leaving a place where I (kinda) belong, a place that has begun to feel like home for me. I was surprised at the thought. Because it’s only been a month since I moved to this city. And realizing that it has already begun to fit into the concept of ‘home’ was sort of overwhelming in some ways. Seems like I’ve accepted the city, though I’m not yet sure if the city has accepted me as a part of it. It probably doesn’t make sense to you. Or maybe it does (if you’re weird enough).

 

Painting Happiness

It’s amazing how small things can help us realize great lessons. Lessons that can sometimes turn your day around! ๐Ÿ™‚ Read on, and you will understand what I’m talking about.

Well, yesterday morning, I met up with Saba. We spent almost over 5 hours or so at her place. All we did was talk, eat and watch TV for a (very very) short while. Anyway, it did a hell lot of good to me! I felt so much better, just being with her. I admit there were times when I kinda fell back into my distracted, moody phase but never for long. We spoke about a lot of random stuff – movies, songs, friends, her life, my stuff, Osama bin Laden (yeah, ย you read it right!), so on. ๐Ÿ˜€ Just wish I could have stayed longer. But she had work and we had no other option. I was in a perceptibly good mood once I got back home.

When Ann came back from school, she showed me a painting she had done. She

From the Windows Of Jupiter – Gerardo Gomez (click to know more)

isn’t really into painting, doesn’t do it so well or anything but likes to dabble at everything. And, so, she tries to paint out her thoughts in her own weird ways. Only she can make sense of her paintings. I love trying to interpret her paintings with crazy thoughts. [Note: The painting on the right looked like a really happy one probably because of the vibrant colours, which is why I chose it.]

Anyway, this particular painting had a yellow dome-like structure in the middle with some black lines outlining it. Thanks to her help, I understood that it was supposed to be a gate. Underneath the gate, there were thick streaks of yellow, blue and black (horizontally). Ok, like all of you, I was clueless when she showed it to me. And I asked her what it means (she loves explaining her paintings!).

Firstly, it depicts a kind of fantasy world. According to her, the layers/streaks of colours show the different layers separating the ‘world’ from the ‘gate to happiness’. Black stands for sadness & negative emotions while blue is a more positive layer and yellow, of course, denotes happiness. I LOVED the whole idea (I always love her ideas, they are so novel and different).

But, when I looked closely at the painting, I noticed another possible interpretation. It could have been a painting of how our mind is… The layers represent different emotions, starting from the depressive, negative thoughts (black), the slightly positive ones (blue) and then the happy ones (yellow)…finally leading to the gate of happiness, which lies deep within all of our minds. Only when we navigate through these different, deep layers and go deep into our minds will we find happiness. Happiness is found within, after all.

This is what I meant by the very first sentence…how small things can teach us great lessons. How the seemingly silly painting by my little sister could make me see something so profound and immense! I know I’m sad, and now, I’m trying to overcome it…by going deeper into myself…because that’s the only way out. ๐Ÿ™‚ I already knew it, but I guess I had to be reminded. I won’t find joy (that lasts) anywhere else, for it lies within.

So, what’s the one great lesson that you have learnt from a quite small/trivial incident?ย 

 

This is another picture Ann drew. I LOVE it. Maybe because it’s from a different angle and perspective. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Forgiving Yourself…

A month or so ago, I read an article on the importance of forgiving yourself. If you do not forgive yourself, then you will always lead a life of remorse, never being able to feel happiness…and most importantly, you will find it difficult to forgive and accept others’ mistakes. Today, certain incidents reminded me of this article. It brought to my mind the need to forgive myself.

As every normal person, I have erred a LOT. Natural, of course. But I have committed so many mistakes, knowingly and unknowingly, that may seem far beyond worthy of forgiveness. There is one such mistake that, I knew, might be unforgivable. Yet, I have been (almost) forgiven. It really touched me. Because, to be honest, I have not been able to forgive myself yet. So, I felt it’s incredibly good of the person in question to be able to forgive me. That was like a bolt of realization for me. I understood that I still hadn’t forgiven myself. And now, I’m trying to do that.

It’s true, all of us make mistakes. Some maybe big, grave ones; some small and trivial. I’m trying to tell myself that mistakes happen, that I need to move on, nevertheless. And that feeling guilty is not going to change anything. It will do no good, to me or anyone else, for that matter. What use is it if another person forgives me but I cannot forgive myself? I’m glad I realized that I have yet to purge myself…that was something like seeing light in the darkness, since I was ignorant to it until now.

All of us need self-forgiveness. So many of us wreck our lives by reproaching ourselves for past mistakes. If we could just tell ourselves that it’s OK, that we need to move on, forget and forgive, then we would enjoy a peace of mind so profound and enriching. As you read this, think…Has there been any incident or mistake for which you haven’t forgiven yourself? If yes, then, know that it’s time to let go of it. Whatever you did or didn’t do is over. It has passed. Now, nothing can change what has happened…not your remorse, not your tears, your self-punishment or anything else. Life goes on, dude. Let your mind move on, don’t hold it back and imprison it to that particular moment or instance. Forgive yourself, give yourself another chance. Release yourself from the self-inflicted tortures you are going through. Take your time, but when you take the final decision, it should be to forgive yourself. Smile, laugh, be happy. Let go of your mistakes. Believe yourself to be renewed. And go on with a zeal and rejuvenated spirit to live. Life is waiting for you. Go ahead and live FULLY!

Sometimes, I learn from my own writing. It might sound kind of crazy. But I believe that’s something great. I realize a lot of important lessons from my own writing, deriving inspiration for the life ahead. Like now. As I write out, I feel a kind of joy within and I know I’m gradually letting go… Writing everything out has given me some insights that I desperately needed at this point. It has helped me grow as a person, maybe very imperceptibly, but in a significant way, nonetheless. I find it amusing how one’s own writing can provide inspiration to oneself. Damn! I love myself! ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ve been lost in thoughts, the whole day. I have been quite dull for the past few days. Maybe, the magic of self-forgiveness can change things. Or perhaps, it already has. ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you get to experience this awesome sense of happiness in your lives, too. You just have to let go of whatever is holding you back, forgive yourself…and TADAAA… Problem solved!! ๐Ÿ˜› Life rocks!