Thoughts in Loops

A remarkable snippet from the conversation I had with someone I met today –

He: You are not happy with your life…

Me: Nothing like that, I am happy about where I am right now.

He: No, you are not. 

Me: No, seriously, I am. I’m happy with my job… 

[Interrupting] He: It’s not about the job…

Me: I understand. I’m happy with my job, I love the place, I love the people. OK, I admit I don’t love the place where I stay but that’s not such a big deal. Basically, I am happy with stuff…but on the whole, if you ask me, I can’t say I’m completely happy. There’s something…

He: It’s incomplete.

Me: Exactly! [smiling wide as the realization strikes, thinking “That’s it, that’s what I couldn’t place all this while, there’s something missing.”]

Tries asking if he is happy, to know if he feels the incompleteness too. Seems he doesn’t, he is happy with life. Ok, so why am I not happy? Too screwed up in the head? What’s wrong with me? Wonders aloud what could be causing the insufficiency. 

[Answers my thoughts] He: Freedom! 

Me: Exactly! [Thinking “How the hell does this guy come up with all the answers for my life?”]

And, like some light just dawned on me, I realize what’s missing in my life. The freedom to live life the way I want. I don’t want restrictions. I want to be let free completely, so that I can choose between right and wrong by myself, make some mistakes, learn and live life. This realization kinda opened my eyes (thanks to the awesome guy who helped).

After seeing him off, I was walking back. On the way, I had another thought…a line that this same person had mentioned a few days ago. And, at that moment, as we moved far away from each other, that line came back to me. And I knew he was right. ‘I fear I won’t be the same anymore, after meeting you.’ I’m not the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore.

I got back sometime ago. I had these two thoughts going around in my head in loops (bits for the day). And I knew I had to blog about it. Today has also changed my perceptions about railway stations. 😉

And I would run away…

Have you ever felt the need to just run away? Run away from the place you’re in right now, the situation… Actually, not run away from anything. Just run away. Take a break, a deep breath, just not let anyone know…go away to some random place. You get the idea (don’t you?)! So, have you ever felt an urge to do it? It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. No, nothing bad happening. Just that I’m not very happy with some situations and am kinda fed up. The thought of running away to some far-off place with nobody bothering me, nothing to worry about is extremely tempting.

To be honest, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of running away. When I have nothing else to think about, I sit and think up possible plans for survival if (and when) I run away. My family’s never given me a reason to do it yet (luckily!). So, I decided that a reason wasn’t necessary. Today morning, I was seriously considering the idea. And that led me to think why I want to do it, in the first place. Well, you know what? I think it must be the sheer sense of freedom that it gives me. The knowledge that I can just let go of everything and go off somewhere, that I can just disappear one day. Knowing that I can be completely free.

Wondering why it’s necessary to run away to be completely free? Because, right now, I can’t really do what I want. Not always. I might have to keep my mouth shut so that I don’t lose my job, I might have to hold back something so that I don’t hurt some people… Doing what I want isn’t as easy as it sounds. So, loving the idea of running away should come as no surprise! I might not take off today, probably not tomorrow or the day after…but, hopefully, soon (Am I glad my parents aren’t reading this!).

Banter! Banter!

Yesterday evening, there was the Christmas celebration for all hostelers at college. And like I said, it wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. But I admit I enjoyed it, all the same! 🙂 There was this dance by two guys…and I was completely besotted with one of them, after seeing it! Nothing new, of course. 😛 What I liked most about yesterday was that I was going around, talking to whoever I wanted to, just being crazy, playing around like a stupid kid, never caring about who might be watching or what others might say (note: This is a place where the last two factors are important when you do something). So, in short, I was living in the moment, just having fun. 🙂 And I spoke to this guy from my batch for the first time. As in, we had a proper conversation (even though it was more stupid than ‘proper’) for the first time in the past 3 years! WOW! Weird, right? 🙂 I know… And he’s cute… But I prefer my Baldie… 😀

I don’t know when I will be writing my next post, since I will be going home today (the place I’m referring to is an uncle’s place, not my HOME). And that place means: no going out often, no Net, no fun, no life… in short, NO AIR! I get suffocated in that place. It’s worse than imprisonment. And worst part, that place is filled with an intense negative energy. There was a time when I used to run home every weekend, because somehow, I felt the imprisonment at home was better than that at hostel. But now, I think hostel is more like heaven compared to home! The only reason I’m going there is because my sister is also there for her Christmas holidays. And I wouldn’t want her to be alone, suffering the same situation I had to go through during previous holidays.

Anyway, the point is: I don’t know when I will be writing next. Until then, do miss me. Have fun. And wish you all a Merry Christmas!! 🙂 Hope the season brings you joy in abundance.