Thoughts in Loops

A remarkable snippet from the conversation I had with someone I met today –

He: You are not happy with your life

Me: Nothing like that, I am happy about where I am right now.

He: No, you are not.Β 

Me: No, seriously, I am. I’m happy with my job…Β 

[Interrupting] He: It’s not about the job…

Me: I understand. I’m happy with my job, I love the place, I love the people. OK, I admit I don’t love the place where I stay but that’s not such a big deal. Basically, I am happy with stuff…but on the whole, if you ask me, I can’t say I’m completely happy. There’s something…

He: It’s incomplete.

Me: Exactly! [smiling wide as the realization strikes, thinking “That’s it, that’s what I couldn’t place all this while, there’s something missing.”]

Tries asking if he is happy, to know if he feels the incompleteness too. Seems he doesn’t, he is happy with life. Ok, so why am I not happy? Too screwed up in the head? What’s wrong with me? Wonders aloud what could be causing the insufficiency.Β 

[Answers my thoughts] He: Freedom!Β 

Me: Exactly! [Thinking “How the hell does this guy come up with all the answers for my life?”]

And, like some light just dawned on me, I realize what’s missing in my life. The freedom to live life the way I want. I don’t want restrictions. I want to be let free completely, so that I can choose between right and wrong by myself, make some mistakes, learn and live life. This realization kinda opened my eyes (thanks to the awesome guy who helped).

After seeing him off, I was walking back. On the way, I had another thought…a line that this same person had mentioned a few days ago. And, at that moment, as we moved far away from each other, that line came back to me. And I knew he was right. ‘I fear I won’t be the same anymore, after meeting you.’ I’m not the same anymore. Nothing is the same anymore.

I got back sometime ago. I had these two thoughts going around in my head in loops (bits for the day). And I knew I had to blog about it. Today has also changed my perceptions about railway stations. πŸ˜‰

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And I would run away…

Have you ever felt the need to just run away? Run away from the place you’re in right now, the situation… Actually, not run awayΒ fromΒ anything. Just run away. Take a break, a deep breath, just not let anyone know…go away to some random place. You get the idea (don’t you?)! So, have you ever felt an urge to do it? It’s been on my mind for the past couple of days. No, nothing bad happening. Just that I’m not very happy with some situations and am kinda fed up. The thought of running away to some far-off place with nobody bothering me, nothing to worry about is extremely tempting.

To be honest, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of running away. When I have nothing else to think about, I sit and think up possible plans for survival if (and when) I run away. My family’s never given me a reason to do it yet (luckily!). So, I decided that a reason wasn’t necessary. Today morning, I was seriously considering the idea. And that led me to think why I want to do it, in the first place. Well, you know what? I think it must be the sheer sense of freedom that it gives me. The knowledge that I can just let go of everything and go off somewhere, that I can just disappear one day. Knowing that I can be completely free.

Wondering why it’s necessary to run away to be completely free? Because, right now, I can’t really do what I want. Not always. I might have to keep my mouth shut so that I don’t lose my job, I might have to hold back something so that I don’t hurt some people… Doing what I want isn’t as easy as it sounds. So, loving the idea of running away should come as no surprise! I might not take off today, probably not tomorrow or the day after…but, hopefully, soon (Am I glad my parents aren’t reading this!).

Banter! Banter!

Yesterday evening, there was the Christmas celebration for all hostelers at college. And like I said, it wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. But I admit I enjoyed it, all the same! πŸ™‚ There was this dance by two guys…and I was completely besotted with one of them, after seeing it! Nothing new, of course. πŸ˜› What I liked most about yesterday was that I was going around, talking to whoever I wanted to, just being crazy, playing around like a stupid kid, never caring about who might be watching or what others might say (note: This is a place where the last two factors are important when you do something). So, in short, I was living in the moment, just having fun. πŸ™‚ And I spoke to this guy from my batch for the first time. As in, we had a proper conversation (even though it was more stupid than ‘proper’) for the first time in the past 3 years! WOW! Weird, right? πŸ™‚ I know… And he’s cute… But I prefer my Baldie… πŸ˜€

I don’t know when I will be writing my next post, since I will be going home today (the place I’m referring to is an uncle’s place, not my HOME). And that place means: no going out often, no Net, no fun, no life… in short, NO AIR! I get suffocated in that place. It’s worse than imprisonment. And worst part, that place is filled with an intense negative energy. There was a time when I used to run home every weekend, because somehow, I felt the imprisonment at home was better than that at hostel. But now, I think hostel is more like heaven compared to home! The only reason I’m going there is because my sister is also there for her Christmas holidays. And I wouldn’t want her to be alone, suffering the same situation I had to go through during previous holidays.

Anyway, the point is: I don’t know when I will be writing next. Until then, do miss me. Have fun. And wish you all a Merry Christmas!! πŸ™‚ Hope the season brings you joy in abundance.

Steering Through Sheer Homesickness

Today, when I read what I posted last time, I was like “OMG! What crap did I post?” I don’t know if it made sense to you. And in case you’re still trying to make sense of it, don’t worry, it won’t be often that I go so crazy as to write total insensible bullshit! Mostly, I stick to writing plainly stupid bullshit! πŸ˜€ Well, my weekend was great! I had one day of fun and another of pure lazing around. I would have loved one more day, though. But the prospect of going another day without blogging made me change my mind and look forward to the next day. πŸ™‚ I definitely know a couple of readers who missed me. πŸ˜‰

Since the very first day I joined college, I have missed home so intensely. During the first few weeks, I cried it out. There were many a nights on which I would curl up under my blanket and cry silently into the pillow, wishing I could somehow go back home and not have to come back to this hell. I used to feel instantly homesick when I listened to ‘Someone’s Watching Over Me’ by Hilary Duff because that’s a song that reminds me very intensely of home and the good ol’ times. Eventually, I got used to the homesickness. I still missed home but I slowly learnt to live with it. I found a handful of great friends, who helped a lot. It felt really comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in my sorrow. And who wouldn’t wish for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of all this misery? I did…and I will always be grateful for the friends I found here.

The first year was hard for me. Being uprooted from the place I call home, I found it difficult to cope with the atmosphere at college and especially with the ‘traditions’ and way of thinking prevalent in Kerala. I could not stand the stifling customs and norms according to which I was expected to behave. Apart from my family and friends, what I missed most terribly was the freedom I enjoyed back at home. I was born and brought up in Ras-Al-Khaimah (UAE). Even now, when I fill in my details, I cannot think of any place other than RAK which can fill the blank against Homeplace/Hometown. I know it may not be home forever…but that is where I belong.

 

Over the past 3 years, I have realized and come to understand a lot about myself. For instance, I never knew I could withstand so much of pain. Every time I came back after a vacation (inevitably to RAK), it would take me weeks to get over the fervent longing to be back at my home, with my family. Somehow, I managed to live through the struggle of those weeks with a strength that still surprises me.

If you ask me whether I’m fine with it now, I would say, to be very honest, I AM NOT! I still miss home so badly…my dad, mom, sisters…the evenings my sisters and I used to sit and talk…mom pestering me to have food…the boring Fridays…the heat during the summers…the slight fog during the winter mornings…Christmas time (!!! :()… I miss the way we used to listen to music 24*7 in the room (that’s something I MISS with a super-capital M)…hanging out with friends, checking out guys and once in a while, getting into trouble…the way I used to talk to friends over the phone for hours…the awesome food… Most of all, I miss the freedom I enjoyed there. I felt so damn free… I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I was never so bothered about what others would say or think; not as much as I have to be bothered now, anyway. I could stay out with friends for as

Home, very truly, is where the heart is!

long as I wanted (provided dad didn’t know :D), I could sit up late into the night reading or watching movies or listening to music or talking or doing WHATEVER I wanted! I miss that so damn badly!

This place has a way of getting to your nerves, suppressing you…suffocating you so terribly that you can’t stay in your senses for a moment longer. Here, I have had to ‘smother’ myself to a certain extent or quieten myself in a situation where I would have liked to speak out. All because of the conservative people and their rules…because they can’t live and let live. I had never felt so demotivated and depressed as I felt then. I’m glad I finally sorted it out and came out of that phase. And the most important thing, I never let myself be changed by the rules, customs or anything. I’m so glad I always remained true to myself, never giving in to the pressure of this place and its people. I can’t say the same for some of my friends, though.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, just don’t let anything force you to change. If you are happy with yourself, then you have no reason to change. Nothing or nobody is worth that much effort. And anyway, people who truly love you will accept you for who you are and not demand you to change. When you go through hard times in life, try to be strong and be true to yourself. I still miss home, especially right now, since it’s Christmas time (which is family time, for me) and because all my best friends are there right now…without me! 😦 But I know it will pass, like always. Maybe not completely. In fact, never completely. But I will be able to survive, live through it all with a smile…because eventually, I know I will get home…reach that place where I belong, where I’m truly happy, where I’m free to be myself.