The Stranger in My Life

I’m in a live-in relationship. With a stranger. No, don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s a boyfriend. Nor is it a girlfriend. Just a stranger. Someone I live with, someone slightly beyond a roommate. Which is why I call it a live-in relationship and not sharing the same room.

We don’t talk much, just casual comments once in a while or if I get lucky, we might have a quarrel, yell at each other. That’s the maximum level of conversation between us. Not even a decent talk. We don’t know much about each other, what’s happening with the other, each other’s friends, lives, worlds… In fact, we are not a part of each other’s worlds.

Kinda like how it is now…

We stay under the same roof, sleep in the same room…yet, we are strangers to each other. I am not trying to exaggerate when I use the word ‘strangers’. I mean it. There is no other word to describe what we are. Because we aren’t even close enough to be called friends or acquaintances.

She was someone I used to know, though that feels like long ago. Someone who knew me inside out; someone whom I knew so well, too. We used to have endless talks about everything, literally everything… So many evenings of senseless prattling, late-night movies, going out together… She knew everything that was going on with me, and I was  the one person she confided in. Like BFFs – best friends forever. Hah! Only, forever didn’t last for long!

I don’t know when that bond started fading off. But fade off it definitely did. I’d put most of the blame on the distance and the fact that she had new people in her life to replace me. Anyway, by the time I noticed the changes, it was too late. I did try, in whatever way I could, to regain the bond we once had. But just when I think things are getting better, she would prove me wrong. As if trying to tell me, indirectly, that we’ll never be the same. And so, now, I’m living with a stranger. Who used to be a hell lot more for me. Whom I miss like hell!

 

5 Reasons Why Being The Eldest Is Difficult

I’ve heard a lot about how life is generally kinda difficult for the middle child. She (I’m basically talking about girls, but I guess this is applicable to boys too) has to outdo or atleast match the achievements of the eldest child and, at the same time, set an example for the youngest. And then, there are (jealousy) issues about lack of attention, importance and…most significantly – lack of love (according to the middle child: apparently, parents exhaust all of this on their first child and don’t have enough for the other kids). And as if this weren’t enough, she also has to deal with the normal teenage & adolescent problems that are part of growing up!

OK, now, don’t assume I’m a middle child. I’m not. But I can very well imagine what they have to live through. Anyway, what I intend to emphasize here is: it’s super-hard being the eldest child as well!  I’m the eldest of three girls. And as much as I enjoy it, there are so many instances when I wish I didn’t have to go through some stuff just because I’m the eldest. Trust me, it is definitely hard being the eldest. I love my sisters. Hell, yes! They mean the world to me. I suppose having them is what makes this a little easier for me.

So, why do I say being the first-born has its problems? We’re getting to that.

1) Since I’m the eldest, parents/relatives/elders expect a lot from me – responsibility and maturity while taking decisions, living life, doing anything; doing things right (so that my sisters can learn from me, yeah right!!), so on. To be frank, I think it’s too much burden on me and, sometimes, it’s hard to live upto their expectations.

2) I’m supposed to know everything. I’m supposed to lead my sisters on the right path and I’d have to know everything if I’m supposed to guide them properly. Nobody seems to care about what I know; all they can do is point out what I don’t know!

3) I know that every decision I take will have a direct impact on my family. And I can’t let it be a negative impact. That’s enough reason to worry about what I’m doing, whether it’s the right thing or not, blah blah. Frankly speaking, I HATE IT! As if I don’t have enough to worry about already! I can’t take a single decision without thinking more than twice about it. Yes, I don’t want to hurt my parents. But I wish they wouldn’t expect so much from me, that they would just let me explore life and live it, even if it means falling down or failing once in a while. With all these expectations, there’s too much on my mind. And there are times when I wish I could just do something to take it all off my head! I’m going through a similar phase right now. And it sucks!

4) This particular point is what triggered me to write this post right now – my siblings think I’m the only one important to dad and mom. OK, I understand why they feel this way. I’m the first child and I happened to be bright at school; so, my parents always had a kind of pride in me and some special affection. And now that I’ve been (mostly) away for the past 3 years, they tend to show a little extra love. So, you see, I know why my sisters feel the way they do. But they don’t try to see that dad and mom love them, too… All they see is the extra affection I get. I’ve tried to make them understand but in vain. I don’t blame them. Just hope that, someday, they will see what I was trying to tell them.

5) Sometimes, dad tells me certain decisions and asks for my suggestions or just wants to know what I think. Because, I guess, he thinks I’m old enough to be included in the serious decisions of the family. But I go blank when he does that. Half of the time, I don’t know why exactly he is doing what he’s doing and I don’t know what to tell him as suggestion/thought. I go blank, totally! When that is the last thing expected of me. Ah, expectations again!! Sigh!

So, you see…it isn’t all that easy being the eldest child. There should be an Elder Child Syndrome too. Or maybe there is (already googling). I admit it has its ups…but the downs are inevitably hard! Anyway, I bet the little brat (aka my little sis) will soon be coming up with 5 reasons why it’s hard being the youngest! 😛 Inspite of all this, if I’m given a choice to decide who I want to be in my next lifetime (assuming I’ll have one), I’d still want to be born as the person I’m right now (eldest and everything included), without a second thought!

Related articles

• Middle Child Syndrome (azizzar.wordpress.com)
• What Your Birth Order Says About You (momentmatters.wordpress.com)

Missing the BRATS…

I’m actually sort of tired of writing too much sensible, thoughtful stuff. Sometimes, a break seems so essential…and delicious! 🙂 So, I thought I would take the so-called break and write some random bullshit that comes into my head.

I miss my sisters a LOT! Both of them are younger to me, one by 2 years and the other by 8 years. Right now, the youngest one is alone, since we (the elder two) have come down for our studies. And I know she is going through a lot of loneliness… Inspite of the age difference, both of them are very much like my best friends. We weren’t very close, initially. But somewhere along the way, I started growing closer to them. And that is when I realized that they need me. Being the eldest, I could help and guide them through life’s phases, preparing them, in a way, for the situations I have been through and which they will, inevitably, go through.

I have wondered how 3 girls of such different characters could exist under the same roof. But I guess, it’s our diversities that hold us

Sisters - bonded for life... 🙂

together. I share almost all of my experiences with both of them…and it’s amazing to see their reactions, at times. Janet (the older of the two) has a way of giving sensible opinions, always reproaching me for being the stupid twit I am. Ann (the youngest one) thinks a lot like me and is happy to just listen to my ramblings, though there are instances when she can be super-sensible too. That leaves me looking like the youngest one in the family! 😀

Our personal worlds are so different. Yet, I know that we will always be a part of each other’s worlds. More than a blood relation, there is something far stronger bonding us together. For one thing, I know that they are two persons I can turn to at any time of the day, with anything, without any fear of being judged, knowing that they will stand by me through almost everything. I absolutely love the bond we share. It is something I rarely find among sisters. Which is why I’m proud of both the brats, and our special bond.

Ann is crazy about Hilary Duff..

There is a certain energy around, when the three of us gets together, very palpable and intensely felt. While I was in school, back at home, we used to spend evenings, listening to songs, talking away about anything and everything. Sometimes, I have kept Janet up at night, not letting her sleep, forcing her to listen to my nonsense. Every new incident or experience in my life was shared with them. I used to discuss every decision, every plan that came up in my head. The late night movies (especially, horror movies); shopping together – playing hide & seek or singing along while at the mall, observing people and thinking up stuff about them; silly fights, serious fights, making up; Ann’s various accidents (Tankado!!); all the stupidities we have been through…there are so many memories with them that I hold close to heart. I miss them all so badly. Especially when I read ‘P.S I Love You’, I got reminded of my sisters a lot!!

After I joined college, a considerable physical distance has crept up between us. But I do keep in touch with both of them, not wanting to miss anything in their lives. I still confide in them and tell them almost everything that happens to me. I want to be there for them always. But I realize that I have come into a different phase of life – one that does not allow me the luxury of spending a lot of time with my sisters. Yet, our bond has withstood the test of time and distance. It doesn’t matter if we are faraway, if we don’t get much time together. We know that what we share will remain the same. Next time we get together, I know that all the time that passed in between will become irrelevant. We will always be the three crazy idiots, then and now.

Although, I can’t help admitting that I miss them, and the times we used to have, back at home. I laugh out loud thinking of all the funny instances we had, I smile at the memory of their subtle expressions of love, I cringe at the various fights we have had…But whatever maybe the thought, I think of them with a painful longing, a wish that I could get them all back once more. 😦 Life would not have been so great (and so much FUN!!) if I hadn’t had them with me. Had I been asked to list out some of the best things that have happened to me in life, my sisters would be among the first few!! 🙂 Sisterhood rocks! And this is to the two brats who add joy to my days: I love you little devils, both of you…always have, always will. You are the best… 🙂 Miss you both like HELL!!